OK, so maybe it’s not exactly revenge to read that muscular men have more sexual partners and tend to lose their virginity at an earlier age than untoned dudes. But payback time’s a comin’: turns out skinny guys actually live longer. Ain’t no party like a retirement-home party!

According to a recent evolutionary psychology study from the University of Pittsburgh, “The beefier the man… the more sexual partners he had. [But] compared to skinnies…muscular men also tended to producer fewer infection-fighting white blood cells and less of an important immune molecule.”  Point, emo dudes.