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December 18

Do I really want to be with this guy the rest of my life?

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 11:02 am

The Predicament of the Week from November 30, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been in the same relationship for 3 1/2 years. Lived with him for 3 years, owned our house jointly for 1 1/2 years. About a year ago, I started feeling like maybe we should be considering marriage — I was happy in the relationship and it seemed like the natural progression of the relationship too. I was very open about it and told him how I felt — his response was that he wanted to enjoy his 20s (he is now 29, I am 26) and that he didn’t know if he ever wanted to get married, and he wasn’t sure yet if he wanted to marry me. He said that he saw his parents have problems, a lot of friends and their parents have problems, and he wanted to be sure it was the right step to make.

I accepted this answer. In the meantime, it has given me a lot of time to focus on my own feelings and wants and needs, and has given me a chance to see things about him that I don’t like, or at least recognize the fact that there were things I was unhappy about. For one, he and I do not spend a lot of time together: I am a part-time student as well as working full-time, so I am in class two nights a week. However, on two of the other nights, he goes to happy hour with his friends — ALL NIGHT, then drives home, and in his drunken stupor, wants sex. UGH. What a turn-off. I have told him how I feel about this, and he says its no big deal, that he can drink if he wants to, etc.



October 4

I can’t keep it up

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 9:13 am

Frustrated on November 9, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m 33 and like a schmuck I’ve been dating a 31 year old man where I work for going on three months now. Things seemed to be going pretty darn good between us on every level, except the romance and sex level. “T” seems to have a problem “maintaining a woody.” Because we got along SO well in every other way, I didn’t want to just dump him. I was hoping this would work itself out. Maybe it was the newness of the relationship. Maybe he had been burned in the previous one, whatever. Well, it hasn’t gotten better. It’s to the point where I don’t think he wants to even initiate anything with me because he knows that it will be disappointing.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot, BG, and I came to the conclusion that if I was a guy with this problem, I would be the first in line at a urologist’s office trying to find out what the hell was wrong with me. I would be at a shrink’s office delving into the dark recesses of my psyche to try and figure this out. I would be sooooo bummed about this, that I would be doing everything in my power to fix it. In the meantime, if my “plumbing” wasn’t working great, and I had met this woman that I professed to be crazy about, I would do everything else possible to keep her satisfied. You know what I mean?

But nooooo. He doesn’t do anything. He would rather find a way to avoid having to have any kind of sexual contact with me at all. In the three months that we’ve been together, we’ve had maybe eight sexual encounters. I’m sorry, but in every other new relationship I’ve had, that occurs in the first week!



July 27

Ready to give up and move on at 69

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 9:32 am

Unsettled on October 26, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been widowed 14 years and have been seeing this widow for 12 , yes, 12 years. At first it was great and we have had great times, but over the years I always felt that my needs were not met and she finds it difficult to talk things out. I’ve made my needs known and quite a few times she would try to change and would for a while, but would then go back to being unaffectionate and not thinking about me and not doing all the nice things I do to her and for her. She cannot share her thoughts and feelings and I never know what is on her mind. If we have a disagreement she puts her head in the sand and thinks it goes away. If I go on a trip I bring her back a little something. The times she’s gone away, she didn’t think enough of me to bring a little something, even like a rock or some dried flowers from where she was. I have had to beg her for any little kindness or consideration, which she has come to expect from me and which she does get.

I made out a form and asked her to share herself by filling it out. It had 4 parts:

#1 What can I expect from this relationship?

#2 What do I get from this relationship?

#3 What can I do to make this a better relationship?

#4 What can my partner do to make this a better relationship?



January 13

True Confessions: I’m Staying With Him Because He’s There!

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 9:15 am

truecircleDear Breakup Girl,

This may sound pathetic, but I haven’t been single a day in my life since I was 15. I’m 26 now. I’ve had several boyfriends, it’s just that they’ve overlapped one another. I didn’t do this purposely (consciously), it just ended up this way. Anyhoo, I think I might be having an identity crisis. I just want to be alone, autonomous, independent, you know what I mean? But I’m in this relationship with this guy, and we’ve been together for about 5 years. I don’t think I’ve been in love with him for a few years, though. I think I just stayed with him because, well, that’s what I always did. So now we’re all wrapped up in this whole relationship business, and it really is like a business, joint checking, bills, car payments, etc. I feel stuck and trapped and confused. My girlfriends say, “Oh, you just get like this. You’ll get over it and marry him.” I need some unbiased advice. I know this guy wants to marry me, and I have to believe it’s because he knows he can’t do any better, or maybe he just wants it more than I do. I don’t know. That’s a terrible thing to say, but that’s the way it is. (more…)


December 30

Is it him, or my past?

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 10:01 am

Sorting it out on September 7, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been with my boy for 2 years and I really love him. We were supposed to get married this year, but decided we were perhaps pushing things a little too far too fast and postponed the date to an as-yet-undecided future day. We both want this relationship to work but to do so, I feel we need to resolve a huge problem that is overshadowing us:

I don’t like to be physical with him very much anymore.

I was sexually abused when I was very young and I know this impacts me in some way(s) every single day, though how it manifests itself in my day-to-day life, I am never sure. I have never tried to block the abuse from my life, to ignore it or pretend it never happened. Nor have I ever tried to use it as an excuse or a part of a poor-me martyrdom act.



October 31

This week at Happen: My sex drive keeps dwindling…

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 9:01 am

MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

This week Lynn hears from Cold Front, who’s seen the same problem crop up over the years in all of her serious relationships:

I feel so sure about my feelings, but a year or more into the relationship I seem to lose interest and the desire for sex with my partner.

Is this weird or natural? Lynn examines three possibilities. Read the full letter at Happen, then come back here and tell us what you think below!


September 14

My boyfriend likes me only marginally

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 8:31 am

Getting out on August 10, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

Hmmmm…well, first it took me forever just to get up the nerve to write to a cartoon character, and then Lucy had her “not seeing any silly geekgirls” sign out at the psychiatric booth, so here I am, sending an urgent missive to Breakup Girl.

I’m Breakup List fodder for sure, I suppose. I live with my bf of 2.5 years; he likes me only marginally, sometimes, and totally ignores me the rest of the time. He won’t even have sex with me unless it’s dark and, I’m not making this up, he has a pillow over his face.

I am completely amazed that I put up with this, but here I am, snug in my routine and having a difficult time removing myself from what is a most crappy situation. What I need is something to inspire me to get out. Now. Any suggestions? What is the best Leaving Procedure? I haven’t done this before! Thanks!

— Geek Without a Clue

Dear Geek,

Lucy doesn’t know what she’s talking about, anyway. Plus I’ll save you a nickel.

You want Inspiration? Get out now, and you stand a chance of having an actual boyfriend one of these days. Or just… being content, with or without a side of Boy. What BG is guessing is that: that you have, buried in your psyche, some idea that you don’t deserve — or will never do — better. WRONG. I’m saying that not only to be perky and positive, but also because, well, it’s hard to imagine doing worse.

You want Procedure? Say: “I’m moving out. You can keep the pillows.”

Breakup Girl

P.S. I really don’t mean to be flip, but it — the actual Procedure, anyway — is that simple. You need help dealing with Aftermath, you write me back.


April 29

Am I superficial?

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 8:58 am

Wandering eyes on June 22, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m 20 years old and have been dating a girl for about a year and a half. I know in my heart that we’re in love. My problem is that I’m not as attracted to her body. She’s overweight and my looking at other girls is distracting my focus on our relationship. She knows how I feel and I feel guilty because of this. I have a strong urge to experience the girls I’m attracted to, and not just physically. I don’t like flings. I don’t want to break up for such a superficial reason, but it is increasingly frustrating. How should I deal with this? Sometimes I feel too selfish, and other times I feel too selfless. I care about both our needs strongly.

— Drew

Breakup Girl’s response after the jump…


August 13

I don’t rate alone time any more

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 9:24 am

Signs of trouble on April 6, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been dating this guy now for one and a half years as of tomorrow. I am truly in love with him and my heart aches when we are away from each other. The one problem is that it seems that he doesn’t have the same feelings anymore. He feels that we should treasure the time we have together no matter if it is with his friends (which it always is) or on the phone for ten minutes. I do not consider this quality time. He feels that he needs time with his friends (which he does) but he spends every night of the week from way before I get there to after I leave. On the weekends his friends are always there. Day and night, I have no idea when he gets to sleep. In order for us to have sex we have to go to his room where his friends are on the other side of the wall and can hear everything that is going on.



April 23

Flickering Flame

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 8:01 am

Weighing the options on March 23, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

Frankly, I am losing interest in my husband; he is not the man I married. We have known each other for a number of years and have been married for about two. The passion is gone. We rarely see each other because of his job and mine (about 12 hours a week if we are lucky). We have had numerous discussions and he leads me to believe he is no longer attracted to me because I have have gained weight (30 lbs.) since we married. The reasons for my weight gain are numerous: #1 would be the period of unemployment prior to my current job and the fact that there is absolutely nothing in the town we live in and I have no friends here. My true concern is how do I keep the flame alive? I have tried seduction, homemade meals, talking, time alone — frankly I am fresh out of ideas.

— Q


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