Females confuse me. Sure, I know it’s a two-way street — we confuse females, and you in turn confuse us. It just seems that lately, you’re all out to win some “let’s confuse Brad” contest. Here’s the deal: I liked this girl named Tina, and I was planning to ask her out. A friend of mine opened his big stupid mouth the day I was planning to do it, and she got a mutual friend to approach me and tell me that dating me would be “awkward,” and that she feels like she’s known me too long to date me.
Well, fine. I’ve been fed that tired old line before, and I suppose I’m getting used to it.
Then Lynore came along.
It was right after Tina began avoiding me. Lynore likes this guy named Stu, and Stu had just broken a big date with her to go out with a girl one tenth as wonderful as Lynore. Lynore was, needless to say, angry and bitter. She needed someone to lean on, and that person was me. (I am always a shoulder in these kinds of situations…but what can I do?) It started out, you know, hug hug hug. Then, for no discernable reason, she started holding my hand. And she wouldn’t let it go. She started slipping her arm around me and snuggling up to me. This went on every night for a few nights. Then, the other night, she invited me to dinner at her house, and she BAKED ME A CAKE.
Hi. I know you’ve written about Friend Boys, but so far no one has seemed to share my curse, so my variation on the theme hasn’t been addressed. I hope you can help.
My problem is this: I believe a solid romantic relationship is built on a solid friendship. The main reason I feel this is that when you date, pretense and airs are, well, up in the air. When you get to know someone as a friend, you get to know the real them, because they have no reason to put on airs. Also, while I’ll check out the hottie in the tight red dress, I could never find myself attracted to someone on any level beyond the physical unless I really know her. Unfortunately, this has left me on the business end of a bad Catch-22.
See, whenever I get to know a woman well enough to develop feelings for her and try to bring the friendship to a “new level,” she says that I can’t because I “know her too well,” and vice versa.
Women are constantly complaining about never knowing what their man is thinking, or that he never knows what they are feeling, or that he is just too confusing, and yet, when presented with someone whom they are very close to, and who knows them so well (and again, vice versa), they say, “Uh-uh, no way.” Sigh.
Why is it that every time you treat a guy like he is a decent, civilized human being he turns out to be a monster? And whenever you treat him like crap he is down on his knees begging for your love and care? I really wonder: will we good, nice, decent girls ever find that sort of guy who cares and really would sacrifice his favorite TV show for us (let alone sacrifice his life like in “Titanic”)?
— Lost White Lilly
Guys! Hello! “Titanic” is a movie! Not real life! I mean come on, do you think that big strong boat really would have sunk so easily? Puuuuuure fiction.
Hi, I just replaced the phone after a two-hour conversation in which the subject was “male bashing” (perhaps you know of it). My “girl”-friend had just been told by her steady that he had only wanted her for one thing (take a guess). Yes, I was as disgusted as she was and it set me thinking. I am used by a lot of people as a comfort from the tough times and although I am not unhappy, I am sick of hearing about all guys being chauvinistic pigs who look for one thing in life. I have gone out with two girls for a grand total of four days and after both, I was given the good old friends line. I know this is similar to other letters, but it is slightly different. I am not bad looking, I have a decent sense of humor, and consider myself romantic (flowers, candy, letters). The problem is, no one wants to accept me as more than a friend. I don’t see what my problem is. Although I am used as a stuffed toy when times are tough, it is not a position I would change for the world. Why is it that a) all the women around me seem to make the same mistakes even though I warn them, and b) How do I get over that “friends” line? It destroys me inside, and leaves me feeling inadequate as a guy, but more like a used tissue. What can I do to make myself appealing? Should I change or accept the fact that I will only ever be a friend?
Thank you kindly for all your help.
— Unlucky in Love
I have a problem with not wanting to hurt anyone, even at my own expense. I know I must bite the bullet and break off clean rather than drag/lead on a relationship after it’s gone sour. I become what the girl wants me to be and when I want to be myself she thinks I’m going psycho when in reality I was just a facade to her in the first place. I guess I just have to learn to be myself first and find a girl who likes me for me and not who they want me to be. In a way I guess I don’t really have a question, I just needed to talk. Thanks BG. I really appreciate your ears.
A Hopless Romantic at Purdue
P.S. I also am a classic case of “nice guys finish last.” I don’t drink or smoke (anything) and I’m waiting until I’m married to have sex.
I do have a question after all. All of my relationships have lasted over two years. I’m now trying to find one that I can be myself in but every woman I know says does this just before I ask them on a date. They give me a big hug and say, Sometimes I’m even told that I’m their best friend. Yet some seem to flirt with me anyway, but when I ask them on a date they are always busy. I have 100s of great female friends and not a single romantic one. Minus one clinging vine that I have to cut loose. We broke up four months ago and she still thinks we are going to get married. (I feel like Wayne in “Wayne’s World” with Stacey.) My question is this. If a girl says “You are such a great friend,” should I give up on a romantic relationship or do women just get kicks out of confusing men? Thanks again.
Dear Hopeless Romantic,
No, thank YOU. You — along with your brethren all over the world who share this same waking nightmare — have provided me with one of the best articulations I’ve ever seen of
The Curse of the Friend-Boy.
First of all, OUCH. They hug you too? Yeesh. That adds insult to intimacy. Who knew niceness could be so harsh?
Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 10:09 am
MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.
This week Lynn embraces Mr. Hug, a guy who finds himself offering emotional support to unhappy women, but who wants so much more.
I recently crossed paths with a high-school crush (girl #2) who is hanging onto a particularly lousy ex. I tried to put aside my crush — which she’s aware of — and become the guy whose shoulder she cries on. … It’s hard, but I’ve adjusted to being lonely.
Can Lynn help this nice guy finish first? Read her tough love over at Happen, then come back here and offer your own advice in the comments.
This recent study suggests that women looking for mates think altruism is…sexy.
No surprise here. At BG HQ we like nice guys! As this classic letter affirms, being a good person does not have to mean being the (sad trombone) Nice Guy who doesn’t get any play. (Pay close attention to the comments section there–good additional insights about confidence vs arrogance.)