September 6, 2012
Totally territorial on November 2, 1998…
Dear Breakup Girl,
Recently I got to know a wonderful American guy over the Internet. We spent a while exchanging erotic e-mails while his then new girlfriend was out of the country. (In our defence, he was very unsure about the relationship with his girlfriend at the time, and I was foolishly convinced he was falling as deeply in love with me as I was with him).
His girlfriend came back to the US and they began to get closer. Then, he came over to Ireland on a sales conference and he and I actually met. We got on wonderfully and I really thought this was “it.” Notwithstanding the immense sexual tension between us, we didn’t do anything. I was glad of this, because he would have been a lesser guy than I thought he was if he had cheated on his girlfriend.
We discussed how inappropriate the erotic e-mails had been, and decided to go back to being just friends.
Here’s my quibble: we met on a Website bulletin board, which his girfriend has recently taken to frequenting. Now, she can read whatever she wants on this site, but I hate seeing her write in. I can cope with her in the realm of the theoretical, but really don’t want to read all about how she and he met and fell in love. I feel that she is straying into my turf, and am becoming increasingly territorial about it. (I should, of course, just not read the posts, but the masochist in me finds it hard to do).
Am I crazy, or is it understandable to have”our” Website, the way others have “our” tune?
And more to the point, can I/should I do anything about it?
Jealous in Ireland
BG’s response after the jump!
February 23, 2012
You say you want a resolution on September 21, 1998…
Dear Breakup Girl,
It’s been just shy of two months since my ex-fiance and I broke up. He’d been cheating on me with some girl from the Internet as a way of avoiding the fact that we weren’t getting along as well as we used to. The relationship was troubled way before Ms. Naughty Chat came along: she was just the catalyst for what I didn’t want to believe was the inevitable. He’d given up on me long before I’d given up on him… he calls it “being further along in the grieving process” which frankly makes me want to puke from all the pop-psychological flavor of the statement.
Despite all that both of us did to f**k things up between us, both of us (really, truly) do want to be friends, because we were actually really good friends before everything fell apart and it would be a waste to not try to get some of that back, even though the romance will never be there again. (I miss him like that, too, but I don’t trust him in that department anymore.)
Part of the problem with this is that I feel that a lot of stuff between us is unresolved… there’s a lot of unanswered questions about why and when and how that he hasn’t answered yet. He says that it’s as answered as it’s going to be (i.e. hardly at all) and that we should try to move on. This reminds me of that ugly-ass statement that floated around in the political world a few years ago: “Now is a time for healing.” Except that politicians only said it after things like the Rodney King verdict and after bombing some country. The implied thing here is “Okay, I know I’ve just punched you in the gut, and you really either want to know why, or punch back, but NOW IS A TIME FOR HEALING, meaning you’ll just have to be a good sport and get over it.”
April 26, 2011
Getting out of bed on June 22, 1998…
Dear Breakup Girl,
I recently met a guy online who was so sweet and a real friend, or so I thought. He had good reasons for breaking up, but he says he wants to be friends, which is fine with me, but he is avoiding me. I am older than him, and this has really destroyed my ego. I should mention that I have been stuck in the house for 3 years, I have a herniated disc, sciatica, and arthritis in my hips, and I am much too young for this. I am in almost constant pain; my friends have sort of cut me out of their life, because I was bed-bound for so long. The last two weeks were great; but now the pain is coming back even worse.All the guys I meet online (which is ok with my husband, so long as I am faithful) are really nice at first, but after awhile when my back acts up, they get impatiant, which I can understand, as being in so much pain is a drag, for me, and for my friends. My husband is just not the romantic type and I need some happiness in my life (we fight frequently)! Yet I have no wish to hurt or leave him. What do I do, Breakup Girl? I am very depressed, I’m even taking Prozac, and because of the pain I’m in can’t work. There is also another guy online that I have feelings for but he doesn’t treat me very well. And one other that shares a relationship with me that is so special. Can you give me some advice? I do not wish to hurt anyone, but it seems that I am the one being hurt. Help!!! Thank you so much, I hope one day to be well enough in body, mind, and spirit to help others with their problems. I was able to do that at one time, but since this pain began, I cannot even help myself. If there is anything you can do to help me I would be so appreciative, and also on the road to recovery and helping others again as I used to. Light and Love.
But wait, there’s more.
Dear Breakup Girl,
I wrote to you earlier this morning. I am sorry if my letter wasn’t the most coherent…I only discoverd you today and didn’t even know the format the letter should take. My problems run even deeper than I stated in my earlier letter. (more…)
June 14, 2010
MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.
This week Lynn answers What Should I Do in L.A. who’s stymied by a boyfriend who portrays himself as single online. But since he’s never met the women he chats with IRL, it’s not so much the cybercrime, it’s the coverup:
The first time I caught him, he said it was because he needed someone to talk to. The second time, he said he was trying to catch me cheating.
Yes, this one is more about trust issues than cheating. Read the full letter at Happen magazine, then add your two cents in the comments below.
December 24, 2009
Oh noes! Flirty messages from old flames are troubling enough to current spouses, but for some married people, the temptation of having all your old flames just a click away may be too much. Divorce attorneys are reporting now that at least 1 in 5 divorce petitions cite Facebook as proof of an affair or inappropriate behavior.
We get emails from people worried about IM and text messages from exes, which certainly isn’t new, so as easy as Facebook makes it to reconnect with old flames, it’s no surprise that those inclined to stray are finding it easier to do so with more people, more often.
“The most common reason seemed to be people having inappropriate sexual chats with people they were not supposed to,” says Mark Keenan, Managing Director of Divorce-Online, in the Telegraph UK article reporting these findings.
Some cheaters are flaunting their misbehavior, and even informing their jilted spouse of their impending divorce by updating their relationship status.
While I believe that it’s possible to be platonic, mutually respectful friends with exes, I can also empathize with those who really kinda hate Facebook. Hate how ghosts of nightmares past seem to come back from the grave complete with slutty profile picture and a comment for everything that’s said and done, and how “it’s just Facebook, it doesn’t matter” starts to sound pretty weak when every word has an audience of hundreds or thousands.