The Predicament of the Week from September 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am 38 years old, and have never been in a REALLY serious relationship before. A few short-term romances, a few really good friendships that might have been… I had accepted, and was quite happy with the fact that I probably would never marry, and would spend my life alone.

About 10 years ago, I met a guy who became a fairly good friend. There was always a little spark of something there, and whenever we were at the same party, or just ran into each other, we talked to each other to the exclusion of everyone else. If someone else happened to be around they faded into the background while we gazed into each other’s eyes and talked. But, we were both busy, and he never pursued anything, so I accepted that the feeling was probably all on my side, and I moved on with my life.

3 1/2 years ago I moved away, and 2 years ago was in town on business, and left him a note to say hello. I told him where I was staying, and to call if he got a chance, but I never really expected to hear from him. That night, he called, and invited me to dinner and a swim at his house. I went, and we had a lovely time in the pool, and over dinner, and I went back home thinking about him. One incident in particular stood out. While he was giving me a tour of the house, I was sitting on the bed looking at a book, and I asked him a question, and looked up and smiled at him as I asked it. He was gazing at me with such intense emotion in his eyes, that it left me confused. When I looked up he glanced away quickly, and he couldn’t answer my question. He nodded, with his head still turned aside, and I could see his Adam’s Apple bob as he swallowed. I’m pretty sure it was not a lustful look, but a hungry, lonely one. One that said “Could you possibly love me as much as I love you?”

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MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

This week Lynn hears from Cold Front, who’s seen the same problem crop up over the years in all of her serious relationships:

I feel so sure about my feelings, but a year or more into the relationship I seem to lose interest and the desire for sex with my partner.

Is this weird or natural? Lynn examines three possibilities. Read the full letter at Happen, then come back here and tell us what you think below!

Asked and answered on August 24, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I dated a guy for five months and spent basically 24/7 with him. We had a great relationship — in all ways that he even discussed me moving 300 miles away with him.

One day he says to me that he thinks that I want more out of this relationship (ie: marriage) and that it was over. Of course I was shocked and hurt and devestated, but I understood where he was coming from. He never got love and attention at home and wasn’t sure he could give it or even understand it. He says he would like to remain friends and could he call me. I agreed.

Now the problem. Every time we talk, the discussion seems to end up on sex. We did have a great sex life, but we haven’t been together that way in 5 months. I don’t know what he’s thinking. He talks to my friends about me and is constantly asking me if I’m dating.

I’ve told him that all of the above is none of his business but it continues. Should I just say “This is too much. You’re not acting like a friend — more like a jealous boyfriend! Which you’re not, and I can’t do this anymore!” or what? Help!!!

— Shannon

Dear Shannon,

That is exactly what you should say.

Love,
Breakup Girl

A long one from August 24, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

It’s my first time on your website, and I think it’s great that people could write to someone and get some advice. (I found that my friends have given me pretty biased opinions about my situation!)

I went out with this guy for three, almost four years. We started going out when we were 15, which I realize now was too young. It ended pretty badly . We have broken up and gotten back together many times before. We actually broke up, but kept dragging the relationship on before we really went our separate ways. We had a really close relationship; there was nothing I could keep from him. He was my bestfriend. I lost my virginity to him and he lost his to me. We did everything together and we were inseparable. Towards the end, I had doubts about my feelings towards him. I started to have feelings for another guy that I was friends with. Basically, I ended up telling my boyfriend that I couldn’t see him anymore because of the other guy. He wasn’t too impressed. I wanted to be the one to tell him because people in my school always talked, and I figured it was only a matter of time before he heard. He yelled and cursed at me, and I ended up hanging up on him, bawling my head off. He kept trying to call me back, but I refused to talk to him. He dropped a letter off at my house an hour later.

(Two days before this happened we slept together and it was amazing. I guess he felt more for me than I did for him though) He wrote that he would always love me, but at the same time he would never resent anyone as much as he resented me for what I did. He really lost respect for me when I did what I did, and I fully understood that.

Anyway, I never ended up with that other guy because not too long after that I found out that I was pregnant. I come from a very Catholic and very strict family. There was no way I could keep the child considering the person I needed to be there hated me, and it was my own fault he did. I had to get an abortion and I did. Only one other person knew of this.

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A bit confused on August 17, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I broke up with my last girlfriend a little over a year ago, and haven’t had any kind of satisfactory relationship since then. I’ve dated one girl four times but have not have not been intimate with anyone. My last relationship ended badly from my perspective from a lack of sensitivity about my needs and feelings; she would say we didn’t have sex often enough.

Since the breakup my attitude has been good, but because of a couple of rejections since then, and my last relationship ending badly I have been feeling a strong sense of alienation from the opposite sex and have had a harder time approaching new women. I have as of late started to question my sexual orientation and have been looking at pictures of transvestite/transexual girls on the net. My question is could these feelings be caused by rejection by women in the hopes that a trans-gendered female would understand my feelings and needs better? Or am I gay and have been suppressing those feelings for 42 years? I have always beeen attracted to a smaller percentage of women compared to the “normal man” and do not usually feel sexually aroused unless there is an emotional attachment also. (I am not turned on by men at all.) Should I explore these new feelings?

— Confused

BG’s advice after the jump!

Dear Breakup Girl,

I recently met this really hot guy. We hit it off right away, flirting left and right. He came over a few times, and we made out. He’s a few years older than me, so right off the bat I told him I am not going to have sex with him, and I’m not. He said okay, and we are still “proceeding” with the “relationship.” It seems that I always call him to come over, and he only calls when I tell him to. Is he just in it for one thing, to get as far as he can? He kinda has a reputation as being a player. Should I still proceed, knowing that he probably just wants one thing? Does he, or is he changing? I know he’ll never pressure me for sex, and he’ll respect my decisions about how far we go. What do we do? HELP!!!!!!!!

— Confused

Dear Confused,

If he were “changing,” he’d be calling you and taking you out on actual “dates.” Also, you wouldn’t be putting “quotes” around words like “relationship.”

Love,
Breakup Girl

This advice was originally published on August 3, 1998.

Trying to upgrade on July 27, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Thanks for being “all that” in the area of compassion, insight, humor, maturity and fun!

This question may be a little risque even for BG but i’m going to give it a shot because I got myself into one heck of a pickle and I need superhero insight right about now. Pleeese!

I met a guy one day who agreed to give me a ride home from work (my first day on the job) and he did. Now mind you, I at the time was just a few short months out of a 6 year marriage from hell and felt that I owed myself a little vacation from real life) and after a little conversation (very little) he and I eased quickly onto the topic of sex and went so far as to actually do it. No you didn’t miss anything, I had actually just met the guy (please don’t tell Breakup Mom. It’s was something had I been in a clearer, stronger more “myself” frame of mind I would never, ever have done), and BG it was so good that…well let’s just say I had no transportation problems for about a year after that. We started spending regular time together like at his place watching t.v. and me or him fixing us sandwiches and just normal things like that but other than a little conversation here and there about the ozone layer or something we didn’t really talk much and get to know each other. The whole time we were doing this I was realizing that if I had let nature takes its course with us in a normal working together situation that he and I could have had a very special platonic friendship.

A few months ago he broke it off with me when one of his relatives died (I had the floozie nerve to try to be there for him), a loss that he took incredibly hard and left me feeling like I’d lost: 1) a potentially good platonic friend, 2) the obvious loss of his company and 3) the loss of what “could have been” had I not just thrown it away on a one night stand that went into overtime.

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Taking things to the previous level on June 22, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Do you think a relationship that is essentially based on sex has any chance of becoming a “real” relationship? How does one make the transition from weekend partner to “girlfriend?”

— Kathleen

Dear Kathleen,

Excellent question. Now, at the risk of sounding old-fashioned (I’m going to wax sentimental about sex AND use a bread-baking analogy), I will tell you that what’s hard here is the sense of going backwards and filling in a step — say, the foundation of emotional intimacy that, according to many, should precede sex — that you’ve already skipped over. Like the time Breakup Girl was about to put a loaf of bread in the oven and looked back over at the counter and realized she’d forgotten to put the yeast mixture in the batter. D’oh! I had to squish it — the most essential ingredient — back in and re-blend it all smoothly. It worked, but it was really, really hard. I was lucky — the chemical balance of the gluteny goodness had not yet been irrevocably upset. So in your case, well, try it, but be circumspect. What you could do is, um, not have sex. How about a movie? A sundae date at the soda fountain?Just talking? (I told you, old fashioned.) Give it a few whirls, see what happens. Do you have something to talk about? Yes, or no? There’s your answer. In this case, anyway.

Love,
Breakup Girl

These days, the stories we hear about kidz and the technology are often cautionary tales: strangers! sexting! TEXT NECK! But Nancy Schwartzman — producer and director of the in-the-works film xoxosms — wants to tell a different, more salutary tale:  about  (young) people forging relationships that may start as virtual, but are very, very real.

“xoxosms is about first love, long distance and Skype. It looks closely at one young couple who — like many — met online and fell in love before ever meeting each other,” says Schwartzman. “There’s a tension between their ‘digital intimacy’ and real life, and the film explores the way the digital world, full of intimacy, bonding, sweetness, is a way to mitigate the hard stuff of growing up and having sex. A way to be close without things getting too confusing.”

The documentary tells the true love story of Gus and Jiyun — a home schooled 19-year-old from a religious family in small-town Illinois and a 19-year-old Korea-born New York City art student — who met nearly a year ago in possibly the only place two people so different might ever find each other: The Internet. Over the past 18 months, they have built an intensely intimate world via Skype, AIM and iChat. They are each other’s very first loves, and through the Internet, they have established a connection that feels as real as if they were right there beside each other.

Help xoxosms have a happy ending! You can kick in a few bucks here to help Schwartzman & co. complete their project. (They’re already over halfway there, with 19 days to go!) You can share your story at their Tumblr, “Without the Internet We Never Would Have Met.” And you can watch the trailer, oh, right now!

What she said (emphasis added):

Whether withdrawal of consent is what actually happened here is impossible to tell, so I’m not suggesting that Assange is a rapist or that these charges are 100% definitely on-point; I have no idea. But neither do the commentators who are saying that Assange did nothing more than have sex without a condom. And it’s important to counter the “haha sex by surprise those crazy Swedes” media narrative with the fact that actually, non-consensual sex is assault and should be recognized as such by law. Consenting to one kind of sexual act doesn’t mean that you consent to anything else your partner wants to do; if it’s agreed that the only kind of sex we’re having is with a condom, then it does remove an element of consent to have sex without a condom with only one partner’s knowledge. To use another example, if you and your partner agree that you can penetrate her, it doesn’t necessarily follow that she has the green light to penetrate you whenever and however.

I’m not particularly interested in debating What Assange Did or Whether Assange Is A Rapist, and I’d appreciate it if we could steer clear of that in the comments section. Rather, I’m interested in pushing back on the primary media narrative about this case, which is that women lie and exaggerate about rape, and will call even the littlest thing — a broken condom! — rape if they’re permitted to under a too-liberal feminist legal system. In fact, there are lots of good reasons to support consent-based sexual assault laws, and to recognize that consent goes far beyond “yes you can put that in here now.” It’s a shame that the shoddy, sensationalist reporting on this case have muddied those waters.

There.