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January 24

True Confessions: We Can’t Get Married in a Catholic Church!

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 10:25 am

truecircleDear Breakup Girl,

I’ve been dating the same guy for a long time. We have an exclusive relationship and have been in love since even before we started going out. We’ve always talked about getting married and we’re beginning to plan in more detail.

Now I always envisioned getting married in this huge church with all my family and all of his family there under the eyes of God and a priest and about 29 bridesmaids and the whole lot. I don’t want to be married in some banquet hall somewhere or some ugly little non denominational chapel by a Justice of Peace (or whatever the hell the alternative is.) I’m Catholic, practicing (even though my parents don’t) since high school, I do community service and the whole nine yards. I believe strongly in God and I even believe that one of my prayers is what brought me and Bill together in the first place. Most of my prayers have been answered….and I’m a happy camper. I don’t go to church EVERY week, or even as often as I used to and don’t get me wrong–I’m no religious fanatic. I just think it’d be nice to be married in a Church. (considering that I never went that often I guess I appreciate it more.)

Which comes to Bill. I always knew he wasn’t practicing ANYTHING even when I met him in high school. That never bothered me one bit (since a lot of really devout religious people in my school were driving me insane at the time…..repent your sins or else you’ll be sent to hell! God doesn’t care if you’re young he doesn’t make exceptions! You have to go to Church twice a day every day or else you’ll be shining Satan’s shoes!) (That’s not really that much of an exaggeration!) Anyway, we fell in love and everything has been wonderful ever since…but I mentioned I wanted to get married in Church, he thinks it’s impossible, and I think he’s right. And it’s breaking my heart.



January 20

True Confessions: I Do Not Have a Boyfriend … And I Couldn’t Care Less!

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 9:29 am

truecircleDear Breakup Girl,

In an little less than six months, I will be thirty. I have an exciting career, many hobbies, friends and lots of other really cool, ultimate total stuff. I am happier with my life and my self than I ever have been in my entire life. (You can hum “I am Woman” for this letter if you want!! )

(I hope Breakup Mom is proud.)

I do not have a boyfriend, a fiance, a husband. My problem, BG?: I really couldn’t care less. No really, I mean it.

Assorted members of my family are doing that “Your’e getting up there…” routine. Friends are trying to push me out the door with their brothers, the mailman and (I think) the local Blockbuster manager. They are saying man-trap things like “Your standards are too high” — You don’t want to be alone, do you?” — and my personal favorite: “Aren’t you concerned with starting a family?” I’ve also got a couple of friends who are totally freaking out and would marry just about anyone — they make me really really want to yack.

I am planning a solo trip to the City of Lights (Paris) for my birthday & have lots of things to look forward to. In my professional life, I am far too busy to really deal with a boyfriend for now (or the god-awful hunt for one). I’d rather go antiquing, take a yoga class, get a massage or read another travel book in my personal search for the ultimate baguette. My attitude is: if I find him while doing something I like to do — then I have a better chance of meeting someone with common interests than I do of meeting someone at a Saturday night singles dance thing, complete with the Electric Slide and Jello shots.



January 18

True Confessions: Double Trouble!

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 8:36 am

truecircleDear Breakup Girl,

Okay, this is kinda (well actually is) rather lengthy and complicated, but here goes. Currently I’m a SWM 20, sophomore in college. At the beginning of the summer semester two new girls, twins, although not identical, moved into the dorms. We met one Sunday morning at church and I was informed that they were going to the same college as me and we ought to get to know each other. All fine and well. Now the fun begins. As the only available college boy in the church at the time it was assumed immediately and automatically that one of the twins and I were going to end up hooking up. Rumors flew about who liked who and the like and it all became a lovely little mess. Extremely short: I liked one and the other liked me. I now know.

So one night, a friend and I stop by the dorms to see them the twin I liked (further referred to as t1) and we had a deep conversation about her life and mine and past relationships and that genre of discussion. It was a bit emotional, at least from my standpoint. So we made arrangements for the four of us to go out the next evening to show them around town, so to speak. However, t2 had already laid claim to me (according to the sisterly and womanly laws governing men, I later found out) so t1 agreed to backoff. T2 used this time get to know me and one night voiced her affections for me audibly. –and physically. (Hold on now, not like that, she kissed me. Okay, a lot, but …). She requested that I at least give the relationship a try, and being the want-to-be-a-nice-guy type that I am, I agreed.



January 17

True Confessions: Sherman is Under Some Kind of Spell!

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 9:35 am

truecircleDear Breakup Girl,

I am 15 and I have been best friends with Kristin since the sixth grade. Last year she moved to the next town, where I have met all her new friends and become very acquainted with them. One boy in particular really catches my eye, Sherman. He had a relationship with a girl named Jessica who also lives in the neighborhood but nothing went on beyond peck kissing. So they broke up cuz Sherman wasn’t “gettin any” and then they suddenly became so intense and began being really touchy-feely. Jessica, being a snot-nosed little tease, tells everyone she wants to sleep with Sherman but won’t even kiss him so she won’t appear to be a slut.

Anyways, so one week I went to Kristin’s house and Sherman and I kept stealing those little “looks” at each other. One lucky evening I was fortunate enough to grab a moment outside on the front porch with Sherman. I told him I thought Jessica was a tease and that he should drop her, to which he replied that he was planning on it. He asked me if I had a boyfriend back home to which I replied no and then we got into this big long convo about what we’re looking for in the opposite sex. SOOO… I was sure something was going to happen out there on the porch but JESSICA opened the door and asked Sherman to come in and watch a movie with her.

The few nights after were the same as the first few, staring, twirling hair, brushing elbows… blah blah blah… then I went home.



January 16

True Confessions: He Dumped Me Because He Cheated On Me!

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 9:34 am

truecircleDear Breakup Girl,

This guy that I was seeing ended up breaking up with me. He told me that he didn’t want a girlfriend right now, but he still wanted to go out sometimes. I just found out today that the real reason he ended our relationship was that he cheated on me. I still like this guy a lot and if he asked me back out I would probably tell him yes. Do you think this is the wisest thing to do?

— Heather

Dear Heather,

Not so much.

Breakup Girl

This advice was originally published September 14, 1998.


January 9

True Confessions: I’ve Had a Stellar Love Life … NOT!

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 9:33 am

truecircleDear Breakup Girl,

Okay, Breakup Girl, this is my first letter asking advice EVER to anyone about all of this, so… well, I hope you have time to read a long one. If not, toss me.

I’m a 17 year old guy. I’m too skinny, I’ve got acne, but I’m a great friend with an irresistible sense of humor (or so I’ve been told). Oh, and I’ve had a stellar love life, absolutely wonderful! NOT. My last relationship crashed and burned. On the SIX MONTH ANNIVERSARY, to the day, because things weren’t going anywhere and we were getting frustrated with each other. And the three girlfriends I had before that ended when (in chronological order):

1) She lied to me about loving someone else, thus being unable to continue going out with me. (Fortunately, we had only been going out for, oh, 4 hours, just long enough for her to realize I had never had a girlfriend before and had no idea she was coming on to me. This one later turned psycho-slutty, having sex with anything that breathed, including ME, offering phone and oral sex with me as late as a year after. She also tried to break my best friend and his girlfriend up… sick-o.)

2) She went out with me for six days, kissed me, then refused to talk to me — forever. No reason at all, except one I heard that went through three people that went, “She gets bored with guys quickly.” Ne’er heard word from her since.

3) She left. I fell for a girl on the second to last day of a summer camp. She lives about 120 miles away part-time (and over 400 the other part) because of her split parents. Saddest thing about this one was that it was the best time out of all four girlfriends I’ve had… I haven’t heard from her since, and my letters don’t come back with “Address unknown” or anything on them.



August 31

True Confessions: I moved to his island … only to be deserted!

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 9:20 am

truecircleDear Breakup Girl,

Ten years ago I had a very passionate, very wonderful relationship with a man I’ll call Rex. We were very much in love, and, being in our mid-20s, were also immature and somewhat foolish. I broke up because of something that, from my perspective, was totally his fault. I kept all his love letters (we lived on different islands) and when I re-read all of them recently, I discovered that our breakup was as much my fault as his.

Last year I found out that Rex was moving to an island near mine. Not coincidentally, I moved to the same island. I began to fantasize about him and the possibilities for a relationship with him — a more mature and committed relationship.

Well, we saw each other for the first time since the breakup a few months ago, and the meeting was … electric. The spark was still there. However, what I did not know until then was that Rex is here with a “partner.” I later found out that Rex will be asking this woman to marry him.



August 30

True Confessions: He says that he’s not being unfaithful to her …

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 8:36 am

truecircleDear Breakup Girl,

Deal: seeing boy for six months, not serious (i.e. never really considering future possibilities) although we spent all our time together. All. He met a girl who lives far away, decided he is ‘in love’ and has been conducting a long-distance relationship with a woman he has met once. Of sorts. He still sleeps at my place (though there is no sex) and we eat together, walk the dog together, trying to proclaim to the world and to ourselves how comfortable we are with being … Just Friends.

His girlfriend (somewhat understandably) goes ballistic when my name is even mentioned, and so he no longer mentions my name to her.

He is completely infatuated with her, but is completely completely unwilling to change things between us. He says that because we are no longer actually having sex, he is not being unfaithful to her … though we still sleep in the same bed and I wake with his arms around me … I know that’s terrible, but HE’S the one who has changed things so shouldn’t HE be the one who is responsible for making sure things change?

Wait, there’s more after the jump!


August 26

True Confessions: She has bad breath!

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 9:04 am

truecircleDear Breakup Girl,

I’m single, affectionate, smart, 25, employed (web designer), the whole nine that in theory should be dripping in women. The first part of my lunacy today is an ex I broke up with about a year ago, who I am beginning to think I cared for more than I wanted to admit. I broke up with her because she was nagging me and making me drive to her (LA to North Hollywood) but would never come to my house (she claimed I live in a bad neighborhood). I found out after the breakup that she had been cheating on me (which was stunning, in that I was at her house with her at least 5 nights a week). A year after we met, before the cheating info and after the breakup, I left a rose with no petals, an order of albacore sushi (her favorite) and a bittersweet poem on her doorstep. She claimed she didn’t understand it, we stopped talking at all. It troubled me.

Yet I wake up most mornings thinking about her. I go to sleep imagining us cuddled up together. A yearafterwards. I have dated and dealt with other people, I am actively pursuing someone very unlike her now … why can I not stop thinking about this self absorbed butterscotch bundle of infidelity? My friends almost puke every time I mention her name and hosted a celebration when I broke up with her. It’s insane.

Part 2 — I broke up with this older woman because she was conniving and hatched an elaborate plot over $5. She continued to call for … er, “visits” off and on for months, and has recently halfheartedly tried to pursue me seriously again. Remember I said my friends hate the first girl? It’s practically a jihad against this one, well known to leave 4-10 messages/day on my machine when she’s twitchy. On top of all that she has bad breath! Yet I haven’t told her to bugger off. Is it just physical? I feel so shallow just thinking that may be it.

— Bad Karma

Dear BK,

Lunacy, Part 1: You can’t stop thinking about Butterscotch Bundle because you did not get to have the last word. You tried, but as you said, she didn’t really even get the sushi-gram (so L.A.!), and plus, that all happened beforeyou got the cheating memo. That is what is driving you nuts. And fair enough.

Lunacy, Part 2: If it is just physical with Halitosa McCoy, you are hardly the first person to go there. (In the world, I mean; I don’t know about her past.) Get off your own case. And off the phone with her.

I don’t think you’re insane; I think somehow you’re getting some mileage with your buds by being The Guy with Heinous Girlfriends. It’s always good for a laugh, I’m sure, and also for … avoiding commitment. I’m just saying.

Breakup Girl

This advice was originally posted on August 3, 1998.


August 25

True Confessions: He gives me hope … then tears it away!

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 8:53 am

truecircleDear Breakup Girl,

I started dating at a very young age (14 years old). My parents let me date this guy whose name is Jesse. We went together for a year and a half. We went through this little stage in which we would break up, then change our minds so on and so forth. Well we have been officially split for about 2 months. My best guy friend Chris is one of Jesse’s friends so of course I hear about him often, even though Chris doesn’t talk a lot about Jesse (he knows that it hurts me). Well recently I was shopping with my friend Christine and I saw Jesse at the mall with one of his guy friends. It had been a long time since I had seen him and it was good and bad all at the same time. We didn’t know how to act since we were there together, but not really together (you know what I mean). So me and my friend were going to leave because she knew I felt awkward around him, but he said he wanted a hug before I left. I was wrong when I thought that would be okay. Of course those sparks started flying. He told me how much he missed me and all of those lines that make a girl happy. Well Jesse decided to go and talk to my father, who happens to be a big man, and ask him if Jesse and I could go out soon. (My family does not like him.) Well my 16th birthday party was coming up the following weekend and my dad agreed on my behalf that Jesse and I could go out after my party. Well here I am thinking this is great. All of a sudden he doesn’t like to call as much. He met someone else in those moments of time before he could see me. He still calls every once in a while. At one time I was his everything. Now I am nothing. There is so much more to this story, but should I just say forget him and move on. He still gives me hope at times, and then turns it away. I love him and I guess that is why it hurts so bad! HELP!!!!

— Jennifer

Dear Jennifer,

If Jesse was willing to lay it on the line with your big scary disapproving dad, then, well, yeah: you’d think that you were about to be upgraded to his “everything” again. But my hunch is that he was running on leftover sparks from that mall-hug — sparks that since then, for whatever heinous awful painful no-good very-bad reason, have gone out. In terms of giving you hope, I think he is just trying to be nice. Which is … nice. But not a sign. Still, at least it indicates that you are not nothing to him. You are someone he still cares about, at very least — and with so many other nightmare breakups going on around us, hey, that’s something.

Breakup Girl

This advice was originally published on August 3, 1998

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