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Dear Breakup Girl,

Sunclytie back again. Great advice on the parentally-opposed SO, by the way; I really appreciated it.

But all good things must come to an end and I had to leave Britain--meaning that SO and I broke things off amicably. Now I have a new boyfriend with
interesting problems. What would relationships be without problems?

Over the summer I started working at this great craft/art gallery. It was a good job, I was doing well and having a great time. One bright day, the owner's son (G.) came into the store. My jaw dropped. He was extraordinary--good looking, funny and sweet. I noticed too he kept giving me the eye. It was pleasant,
but I didn't think much about it. Later on he came back into the store with his best friend because they needed to find a locksmith; we chatted a bit, flirtatiously. There was pretty heavy flirting going on, actually. I did some investigative reporting and found out he was a computer programmer, a musician
on the side and 31 years old. I'm a senior in college and was 21 at the time. He seemed a bit old, but what harm would a cup of coffee do? I called him and he agreed to meet me. That night we went out for dinner instead of coffee--at a really nice place, for which he paid. We went out for dinner again. And again. We started hanging out regularly. Things were going beautifully.

Then I found out about J. At first J. was a girl with whom he had "a casual relationship." As things got more serious between G. and me, he told me that their relationship actually was rather serious too. I got angry at him for lying to me and tried to break it off before anyone got hurt; weeping, he begged me to stay with him. I thought about how I felt about having an open relationship, and figured that since I would be leaving in such a short time that it really didn't bother
me. Besides, G. made me feel good about myself for the first time in a long time; that was worth sharing, wasn't it? I made some ground rules; no other girlfriends, I could date whomever I liked, and trying to put this on a different emotional level other than having a good time together was verboten.

G. agreed and things have been going pretty well since. I get to see him more often, so I don't receive many of the drawbacks of the open relationship.
A major problem, though, is that I know about J. but J. doesn't know about me. I feel a little guilty about this. She's also 30 and I'm 22 now. How will I feel when I turn 30 and there are all kinds of girls in their early 20s casting about for my boyfriend? But I'm happy with G., so I try not to think about it.

However, new flies are appearing in the ointment. Last weekend, J. and her best friend came to visit him here in town. I found myself resenting not being able to call him; I actually needed to, and she was there, and it wasn't pretty. That night G. called me back and told me that an ex-girlfriend of his, who lives across the street and is pretty inimical towards him, came up to J. and asked her if she knew about the "other woman." Then she got in her car and sped away. G. was pretty shaken up about this and didn't want to see either J. or myself; he sent J. home and told me, after I'd been looking forward to seeing him, that he needed
some time by himself. This made me feel pretty bad too; after all, my demons kept telling me, this is your fault that he's in this situation. But this situation is one of his own making; he didn't have to become involved with me; nobody was holding a gun to his head, right? Right?

So. He wants to see me, he wants to spend time with me, but he also wants to be with J. Should I continue to make things easy for him? Should I confront
the woman across the street so she doesn't continue to make his--and by extension my life--unhappy? Are open relationships in and of themselves bad? I don't usually feel jealous; this was an unusual thing. I should mention too that his father, who is still my employer, doesn't know about G. and I, which is strange to me.

-- Sunclytie

Dear Sunclytie,

Are open relationships in and of themselves bad? Not if there's anyone actually in one who's not writing to me.

More to the point, is this one bad for you? Not if "making things easy for him" is making things easy for you. Hmm.

Sure, relationships come, by definition, with complications. But I'd really like you to come by one where you're "the," without "other." Somewhere, your conscience -- who's smarter than your "demons" -- knows that too.

On an inextricably related note: his father doesn't know? Beside the point. Does your mom?

Love,
Breakup Girl

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