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Dear Breakup Girl,
I'm 28 years old, female, and bisexual. My chief hobby of the moment is acting
in community theatre. I broke up with my girlfriend of 1.5 years about four
months ago. The chief impetus of this was that I started massage therapy for
stress relief, and began to change some of my emotional habits, which included
being a doormat. I have and continue to discover many things about myself, including
the belief that I am capable of finding my soulmate regardless of gender.
Recently I went to rehearse part of a couple dance with this other actor (let's
call him Renowned Warrior, which is what his real name means). So we went to
the parking lot, and RW says that he doesn't have a chance to eat before he
comes to rehearsal, and do I know of anyplace besides the usual hangout to get
a bite. I started to give him directions to another place, and after I was finished
he looked at me quizically and asked if I'd like to go with him. So finally
this lass clues in and picks up on the fact that RW is looking at her rather
intently, and manages to say yes. We rehearse and stand in the hallway talking
and discover that we're both single (good thing), and go out to eat.
I of course had to check with another friend to see if this was an interest
thing, and considering that he didn't ask anyone else along, I figured it was
a safe assumption. We had a very good talk over veggie burgers, and wound up
moving out to the parking lot where we stood and talked until 1 in the morning.
RW had indicated that he was interested by paying me compliments, such as: "Wow,
you lost 50 pounds? Well, you look great now," and "I was happy to
find out you were 28, and when I asked why, he said, "Because I though
you were cute."
Now, RW is a hunk of a man, ten years my senior, broke up with his girlfriend
of seven months about the same time as I, has a ten year old daughter, and is
probably the most sensitive and gentle and talented person of the male persuasion
I've ever met. I took to him immediately. This was two months ago (roughly).
We also discussed when we could get together and rehearse more, and settled
on that Sunday. He then suggested some sort of an "activity" to make
a day of it, like dinner and a movie. Now to any resonably aware female, this
means "date," though I overanalyzed it over the next week, and finally
came to the conclusion that I should see how it played out. It went fine, and
during the movie I slipped my arm under his (since it was a scary movie), and
he didn't move away or anything. We then sat in front of my house in his car
and talked (really!), and he said that he had some issues about his ex, and
that he wanted to explore dating, but wouldn't want anything physical to happen
until he'd resolved his rebounded-ness. I respect this, when one is ready, and
not before, one should go out and do things again. I was disappointed, but prepared
to be patient, since he'd touched my heart in little ways already.
So rehearsals progressed and he has gone out of his way to wait after rehearsals
to talk to me, even if it is only a short goodbye, and he makes certain to give
me a hug when there isn't anyone else around. Otherwise, in the close community
theatre atmosphere, things may get blown out of proportion. I became agitated
maybe three weeks ago and asked him if he was still interested. I tend to overanalyze.
He answered very considerately, saying that he was still dealing
with his issues (like thinking about his ex, buying the kind of cookies she
likes etc.), and didn't want a romantic relationship until he'd gotten to know
"the person" in all their seasons. He didn't specifically say me at
all. So I felt like an idiot, and proceeded to continue acting with decorum
around him. Not going out of my way to be flirty or touch his arm, but continuing
to talk and accept hugs from him. All this while I'm thinking about him more
and more, and am completely infatuated.
Let me say at this point that my ex lives in NC, so finding this isn't for
revenge, or because I crave a relationship of any sort, but because RW is so
extraordinary. I've kissed a whole heaping lot of frogs, and I believe he's
a true prince. So while repressing my natural tendencies, and doing the stupid
thing and waiting for him to get over his ex, I'm wondering (and this is the
meat of the problem) if I should continue to date others and if and how I should
move past it. I don't really want to, but I know I shouldn't wait for something
that may not happen. I suppose it would be easier if he didn't treat me with
such courtesy. If, after making a fool of myself, he'd been the least little
bit distant, I'd be able to get over it. Also there has never been any intimate
contact between us other than a chaste peck on the cheek, and lots of hugs.
I feel that there is an energy between us, when he looks at me, and last week
came to the conclusion that it wasn't just me being delusional. I also discussed
this with a friend at work, and this friend said that RW wanting to get to know
me better is code for: He doesn't want to date me and isn't interested. This
of course has been preying on my mind too.
But sad to say, BG, I think this is the one. The prince charming in shining
armor, and I don't want anyone else. I have a hobby (though unfortunately one
that he's a part of), I have friends and a very full schedule. Perhaps I should
take up something else (perhaps another theatre group where I don't see him
as often? ) How do I move past it?
If one of this this guy's hobbies is -- still -- buying
the kind of cookies his ex likes, then another is having what I call a Friend-Bound,
or Zipless Rebound. Where Rebound (oops!) Warrior, still battle-wearied, gets
Everything But from someone cool like you. It's the opposite of a hardcore roll-in-the-hay
purge -- more like a big huge repressed power-bonding community theater back
rub. He's a good guy, I'm sure, and I'm not saying he's not INTERESTEDinterested.
If you can stand it, enjoy the buzz for now; if you can't, sure, audition for
the other Pippin this time around. And cast glances around for a knight from
the Order of Available. Meanwhile, stay in occasional-reminder contact if you
like, and if he's that renowned, he'll slay the evil snickerdoodles and come
fighting for you.
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