PREVIOUS LETTER ||
NEXT LETTER >
Dear Breakup Girl,
I am a high-profile, professional woman, forty, fit, no children. I was married
and divorced in my twenties...too young. The one great love of my life wasn't
ready to get married and we parted when I took a job in another city. It took
me more than four years to get over it. That was 15 years ago! You can imagine,
then, how wonderful it felt to be fixed up by friends with a 53-year-old, attractive
man in my own industry, who had been in the city for two years from upstate.
He's a contemporary of mine, a high-profile "celebrity type"...who my friends
said had been divorced for two years, from his wife of 20 years. From our first
date, we had a magical time...his attentiveness and obvious interest in me were
delightful. I made him laugh constantly and we had everything in common. We
spent every day together, every weekend, and every night. He asked me to marry
him, to have his child...he wanted a little girl. We contacted a realtor and
searched for houses, we set the date for a beach wedding in Hawaii. He told
all his coworkers and his boss. I told mine. This is a small industry we're
in...in just a few days, everyone knew and all were happy for us.
Fast-forward four months...his boss told him budget cuts would mean his contract
would not be picked up. He was devastated. Time to get things in order. He had
told me he owned a house in the next city and allowed his ex-wife to live there
rent-free. She is not the mother of his grown, married children. I suggested
he ask her to move out and rent the house. He wouldn't. I started to smell a
rat the size of a Mexican Hairless.
Now, keep in mind the business we are both in requires a certain skill in investigation...so
that's what I did. You guessed it...the "house" he claimed he had bought two
years ago with the divorce settlement money he got...was also HER house -- which
he had bought with her only six months before...as HUSBAND AND WIFE.
Yep, still married. I confronted him, and he tearfully said, yes, we're getting
a divorce in January. Being either forgiving or a total dweeb, I said OK...we
can work thru this..but why did you lie to me? He said "I didn't need the aggravation."
It stung, but I forgave him for that comment.
Then more investigation revealed he hadn't even FILED for the divorce. He stopped
telling me he loved me as much. He stopped making love to me, even though he
was coming home to my place every night. He would get up in the middle of the
night and sleep on the couch. It just got very weird. My heart was breaking...and
there was nothing I could do. I had already bought his plane ticket to whisk
him away with me for Christmas in my country home...bought his presents, and
wanted to make our first Christmas together memorable in spite of his job loss
and in spite of the "problem." Then, on the 14th of December, he comes
to me and says...I'm moving to my house upstate to think until I get my job
back. I asked if he was moving back to her. He assured me he was still getting
a divorce. He assured me he had filed. He told me she had moved out of the house,
and had moved in with another guy two months ago. I told him if he moved up
there, we would be over. Tt was just too far, and we couldn't survive.
He left, only to his apartment, but I just wanted to die. I missed three days
of work. On the 18th, he called and said he loved me and missed me and wanted
to see me...would I please, please see him for dinner? We went out, cried most
of the evening, and -- I thought -- got back together. For the next few nights,
however, he would come to have dinner, sleep with me, and leave in the middle
of the night to go back to his apartment! I told him this wasn't acceptable,
and on nights we were together I expected him to stay if I was indeed the woman
he loved and not some bar hooker! The next night, he came and stayed, the next
morning, put me on the plane for my trip to the country for Christmas. I gave
him his gifts...he got me nothing. Not even a card. He said he was going to
spend the holiday alone ... but would be on the phone to me... from his estranged
wife's house in the desert!!! He assured me she would not be there. He kept
me on the phone constantly all through Christmas, hours at a time, professing
his love, and talking about how he missed me. Days later, he was waiting for
me at the airport. We kissed passionately, went home and made love -- then I
had to go to work! He told me he would be home when I got there later that night.
He called me at work and told me he wasn't feeling well; then he didn't call
me again. Very odd.
The next evening at work, he calls. He told me he was under too much pressure..and
that his wife was having psychological problems..and that he needed to "be there
for her." He said he couldn't be there for her and also be with me. It
was an eight-minute phone conversation and I was at a loss for words...all I
could say was, "It's over."
I was alone for New Year's Eve. Three days ago, he finally dropped off a box
of my belongings at my apartment with a brief note saying he missed me terribly,
but that probably didn't mean much to me...that he kept hearing that psychic
telling us "you'll think its over, but it's not..." He then left a message where
he knew I wouldn't be, saying he missed me, take care of myself, that he "had
to do what he had to do." He took at job in a city two hours away...opposite
ends of the state from his wife, by the way.
My friends are calling him a loser. His wife looks like Mrs. Doubtfire and
people who know her say she is NOT having psychological problems! My therapist
says he married his mommy. My heart is telling me I don't care about any of
this, I just want the lying, cheating jerk back in my life. All this to say:
Do you smell a character flaw in this guy?? Will he try to come back crawling
and with divorce papers?? Would I want him back anyway?? Are you finding as
much humor in this as I am??
-- Shocked and Stunned
Dear Shocked and Stunned,
I know you are -- not to mention heartbroken -- and I'm
so sorry. But, um, a Mexican Noseless could smell a character flaw in this guy.
This is not to berate you; you're certainly not the first person to have clung
and hoped and overlooked and forgave just to try and will everything to be the
way it was ... in the first paragraph.
But S&S, as I told Searching
for Logic, the deal here was broken by, well, the second paragraph
this time. Married his mommy? Reports from friend-spies (who were wrong about
his divorce in the first place)? Will he be back? Will he change? Digging for
these answers is Mexican Pointless. Why, I'd go so far as to upgrade the following
oft-stated admonition to an IMPORTANT BREAKUP GIRL MAXIM: If you have to ask
yourself "Why would this person behave in a consistently bizarre, duplicitous,
and downright unacceptable manner?" then you also have to ask yourself, "Why
am I even bothering to ask?"
And then you have to let yourself hurt hurt hurt and,
slooooooowly, heal. And try not to kick yourself --or worse, to develop a thick,
love-proof skin -- for having been Mexican Clueless. Gosh, I mean, if the first
paragraph's that good with a bad guy, just imagine the whole story with a great
PREVIOUS LETTER ||
NEXT LETTER >