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Dear Breakup Girl,
A long-winded story on the tortured theme of Friends to Lovers:
I met and fell heads over heels for a young man at my place or work and
study. We dated for a year before we both headed four states apart to pursue
our career goals. When we started, we both knew that we would be leaving in 365
days, so it was moderately noncommital and fairly unpressured. We made no plans
for a future and enjoyed the moments we had together; we filled in one
another's empty spaces.
When we parted, the perfunctory, "We'll stay in touch" / "Let's be friends"
were stated with little belief that it meant anything. But we did. Spottily at
first and then on a regular basis leading to an evolution of heavy double
entendres which has since morphed into phone sex. Eerily enough, we are
the best of friends and wildly animalian to one another. He professes devoted
friendship, unusual adoration, and a voracious sexual appetite for me. I
reciprocate but remain confused. Friends? Lovers? Some ambiguous love
He is unfortunately falling into the abominable male cliché of "I
have to know myself better before getting involved." "I'm so busy with work and
career," and the all-time favorite, "I am not ready to have a relationship."
All the self-help books in the world have not elucidated the meaning behind
these male monikers. All the while, however, he continues to tell me how much
he values my integrity, my intelligence, and the curves of my butt. Suffice it
to say, I am unclear on the message.
I really like him, and I believe he really likes me. If it were for the sex,
he could get away with a lot cheaper than our usual phone bills. And since we
barely ever circle the same state, consummation is fantasy rather than reality.
So if he values me, why doesn't he want me in a relationship with him? Instead,
we are friends who respect one another and get downright physically
touchy-feely when in the same room. What is that all about?
--Confused by the Male Psyche
Drop the books. It's not even a "male" thing. Whoever
says it, "I am not ready to have a relationship" means: "I am not ready to have
a relationship." A RELATIONSHIPrelationship, anyway. (Especially with someone
-- close to my heart/loins though she may be -- four states away.)
Sure, he likes you. LIKElikes you, even. Not to mention
"values." But unfortunately, even that doesnt necessarily add up to "I
want to do all the work that moving to and staying on the next level will take."
And by the way, of course it's -- partly -- "for the sex." Sure,
he could have cheaper phone bills, but hey, he's a busy guy. Calling for takeout
is more expensive, but there it is. At some point, one takes what one can get,
especially with someone one already feels comfortable with. Especially someone
whom one can (before) dial, not date, and (after) hang up with, not hang around
with. Way simpler. Yay, phones. "Watson, come here, I need you!" Uh-huh.
No one's in trouble here, Confused; my admittedly easier-from-the-outside
perspective is that I just don't think there's tons to explain. If you can deal
with the status quo, fine. If it's too weird and you need to lay down some sort
of define-or-desist interstate communication law, that's fine too. I just want
to make sure that you're calling a Watson who gives you what you really need.
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