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Dear Breakup Girl,

A long-winded story on the tortured theme of Friends to Lovers:

I met and fell heads over heels for a young man at my place or work and study. We dated for a year before we both headed four states apart to pursue our career goals. When we started, we both knew that we would be leaving in 365 days, so it was moderately noncommital and fairly unpressured. We made no plans for a future and enjoyed the moments we had together; we filled in one another's empty spaces.

When we parted, the perfunctory, "We'll stay in touch" / "Let's be friends" were stated with little belief that it meant anything. But we did. Spottily at first and then on a regular basis leading to an evolution of heavy double entendres which has since morphed into phone sex. Eerily enough, we are the best of friends and wildly animalian to one another. He professes devoted friendship, unusual adoration, and a voracious sexual appetite for me. I reciprocate but remain confused. Friends? Lovers? Some ambiguous love purgatory?

He is unfortunately falling into the abominable male cliché of "I have to know myself better before getting involved." "I'm so busy with work and career," and the all-time favorite, "I am not ready to have a relationship." All the self-help books in the world have not elucidated the meaning behind these male monikers. All the while, however, he continues to tell me how much he values my integrity, my intelligence, and the curves of my butt. Suffice it to say, I am unclear on the message.

I really like him, and I believe he really likes me. If it were for the sex, he could get away with a lot cheaper than our usual phone bills. And since we barely ever circle the same state, consummation is fantasy rather than reality. So if he values me, why doesn't he want me in a relationship with him? Instead, we are friends who respect one another and get downright physically touchy-feely when in the same room. What is that all about?

--Confused by the Male Psyche

Dear Confused,

Drop the books. It's not even a "male" thing. Whoever says it, "I am not ready to have a relationship" means: "I am not ready to have a relationship." A RELATIONSHIPrelationship, anyway. (Especially with someone -- close to my heart/loins though she may be -- four states away.)

Sure, he likes you. LIKElikes you, even. Not to mention "values." But unfortunately, even that doesn’t necessarily add up to "I want to do all the work that moving to and staying on the next level will take." And by the way, of course it's -- partly -- "for the sex." Sure, he could have cheaper phone bills, but hey, he's a busy guy. Calling for takeout is more expensive, but there it is. At some point, one takes what one can get, especially with someone one already feels comfortable with. Especially someone whom one can (before) dial, not date, and (after) hang up with, not hang around with. Way simpler. Yay, phones. "Watson, come here, I need you!" Uh-huh.

No one's in trouble here, Confused; my admittedly easier-from-the-outside perspective is that I just don't think there's tons to explain. If you can deal with the status quo, fine. If it's too weird and you need to lay down some sort of define-or-desist interstate communication law, that's fine too. I just want to make sure that you're calling a Watson who gives you what you really need.

Love,
Breakup Girl

 
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