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Dear Breakup Girl,

Scott (names have been changed to protect the currently innocent) and I have been together for almost four months. We are both 16 and we are always getting these nostalgic looks from older couples, remembering the days when they were the "All-American" teenage couple. We're both good students and have impossibly high standards for nearly everything we do. Oh, and I'm the typical Daddy's little girl goody goody.

Right off the bat, we had a strong sexual pull; I felt a stronger pull with him than with any guy I'd dated before. Fast forward a month. We are messing around and things get a little hot n' heavy. (For me anyway, c'mon, consider my age!) I begin to wonder if maybe my man is just with me 'cause I look so darned cute in a dress. I talk to him about it, and he assures me that while I do look impressive in black, it's my smile, cute laugh and intelligence that are the quirky things about me he likes most. Yay! I hear that and quickly dismiss any doubts I had. Almost any. (I guess that brain of mine wasn't as ready to let Prince Charming into my life.)

So I tuck this small itty bitty shred of doubt in my brain, right between the conscience and desires sections. After two and a half months of being together (almost every day), we start talking seriously about sex (we're both virgins). As I said, we are both very smart and goal-oriented, so we of course have the "safer sex" discussion and got through it without any adolescent giggling every time "penis," "condom," and "vagina" (how icky is that word?) came up. I figured that this was proof positive that I could handle adding the sexual element to our ever-closer relationship. Then we decide, "Hey, maybe we should have 'the talk' with the 'rents to let them know that we may take the step, even if they don't like it, because we want them to know we're being safe and responsible." Boyfriend had the chat with dad, I with mom. Dad says be safe. Mom says wait until you're 17 (six months) and then we'll do the Pill thing. (The news that life on Venus would be held off for six months didn't sit well with Boyfriend.)

As four months approaches, Scott and I begin to go further and further, taking "everything but" to the limit. He is the typical guy with plenty of testosterone to go around. Soon we get to the "let's-take-that-icky-shirt-off" stage, where we begin to remove more and more articles of clothing. All the while this is happening, my chick brain (complete with a large section marked off for emotional outbursts) starts to turn. My precious virginity, which I think is a concept blown way out of proportion compared to safe and responsible sex, is about to become nonexistent. And while I have always been the type that saw giving away my virginity (pre-marriage) as an OK thing, depending on the people and situation, I am the classic "nice girl." I am afraid that once I take this step, I won't feel like the innocent girl I am. So Breakup Girl, what is your take on the situation? What is your outlook on premarital, teenage sex, so long as it is done in a safe and responsible manner?

-- Princess Emotional

Dear Princess Emotional,

Okay, you are clearly one smart cookie/one long cool drink of milk. Bravissimi to both of you for the way you've thought/talked this through together and -- and wowee! Bonus! -- with your parents.

About your "nice girl" concern? Whether or not you have sex is -- ideally -- an indication only of whether or not you have a good relationship, not whether or not you are a "good" girl. End of story. (Unless you want further reading on double standards and "virginity.")

Still, if those concerns keep niggling loudly, then no nookie for now; they might just be the form that the "not ready" feeling has taken in the language section of your brain. But -- and this is as close as BG will ever come to giving teens the big ol' green light, as she is still of the opinion that many 35-year-olds should not be having sex -- if your doubts fade to the background and you do do the deed, please do feel good about it.

And about the fact that you've provided your peers among my readers with a standard by which to judge. Everyone: these two have the only kind of relationship in which anyone of you should even consider doing the wild thing. Thanks for writing, PE.

Nostalgic look,
Breakup Girl

 
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