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May 8, 2000   CONTINUED e-mail e-mail to a friend in need

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SHOUTOUTS

To Princess Emotional from Anonymous:

If your experience is not the ultimate case for abstinence (or at least, lots of delay), I don't know what is. I was overwhelmed with sadness as I saw you devolve from a Self-Assured Teenage Girl to an Insecure Woman Too Soon. Girls, you have years and years ahead of you to wonder if your man loves you or not. Why start this all-too-universal process at 16, when life can be so glorious? Princess Emotional, just because you got involved in this doesn't mean you have to stay involved in it. Take back your life and your own self-esteem, and be 16!

And from Anonymous2:

I'm concerned that you seem to be apologizing for your feelings. So many women feel ashamed of expressing how they feel. What does it mean when we accuse ourselves of being "too emotional"? It seems to me we are saying that is wrong to:

a) Express the desire for someone to tell you what they think and feel
b) Show anger
c) Express doubt, confusion or worry
d) Ask hard questions about ourselves and our significant others
e) Tell others what we want and expect of them

I won't begin to speculate about the many reasons why women in particular get branded with the "too emotional" label. (Okay, consider just one: showing you have doubts or want reassurance or want to talk, etc. seems to demand something of someone else. Instead of engaging with you to meet that need, it's easier and less threatening to dismiss the request as silly or unworthy.) Just an aside: I don't get the impression from your letters that your emotions are out of control such that you have trouble expressing yourself in productive ways, managing anger, etc. That kind of situation might call for some professional intervention. I am simply trying to say you should not adopt someone else's standard of behavior. You have a right to feel, question, and express. Your feelings are clues telling you what is working, what is not working, what you are thinking, and what you need and want. Listen to them!


To Pariah from JW:

Don't think your relationship/sex life is over after herpes. My best friend met a girl last year who has genital herpes. After the initial talk and adjustment, he discovered that she was a wonderful person who just happened to have herpes. They are geting married next month! (However, this is not a reason to stop having safe sex.)


To Jeannie from Sharkey:

It's really tough to know what to do when you're in a relationship that's really close to what you want but has a major stumbling block. I'm in my early 30s, want to get married, and that's happened to me twice now. (I just left the second one last week; the first one ended a few years ago.) To make my recent decision, I followed BG's "I Do ... or Do I?" advice: I stopped agonizing and set a date for a decision. (I gave myself about six weeks.) During that time, I tried to be quiet and patient and just observe my feelings and interactions both with my guy and in the rest of my life. I also had a person designated to listen to me as I reflected on this stuff (so maybe it's worth paying for short-term counseling if you're open to that). You may not need to; what I read in your letter was some fear of letting go, but also a loud "my gut says I don't want to raise little kids." Keep listening to that gut of yours, and good luck!


To Newbie and BG from Kat:

Reading over this letter makes me think of my parents' relationship. It sounds like them right down to the personality types! Dad has always been very non-demonstrative about his emotions (except the love for his daughter, but I think that's always an exception, hee hee). His philosophy is go forward with your brain first, and the heart will follow. Logic is almost a religion to him. Mom, on the other hand, is very into displaying emotions and likes constant reassurance of her family's feelings towards her as much as she likes to give the same reassurance herself. They have been successfully married for almost 24 years now, and still get on beautifully. Breakup Mom has it all down. Respect for each other, and knowing each other (thoughts and actions), that's how they've managed to stay together for so long. Even though Dad rarely shows how he feels, and likes to sit on the couch all day doing nothing, Mom knows that he loves her more than she can ever realize. The very fact that he married her, puts up with her (frequent) fits of irrationality, is always there for her as an ear, is a support and a friend and has worked very hard to stay married to her is indication of that.

Sometimes, all the indication you need of a person's love is in knowing him well and seeing all the little things that he is willing (voluntarily and otherwise) to do for you. In truth, I think that these little things are a much better indication of a person's commitment and affection for you than those three, simple little words. I will admit that sometimes you need that added reassurance. But when it comes right down to it, anyone can say, "I love you," but not everyone is willing to stay up with you for an entire night when you have a 103 degree fever despite the fact that they have not slept in over 24 hours. That takes real love. Cheers!

 
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