< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >
 

Dear Breakup Girl,

I was just reading your letters on virginity (pure gold as usual), and I was wondering if you could expound on a different kind of virginity for me. You see, while it is good to know that 10% of guys don't lose their virginity until they are in their early 20's, that doesn't say much about guys like me, who have also never even kissed before. Yep, I'm 25 years old and have never had even the most innocent of kisses -- a "kissing virgin," if you will.

You see, I was always a dork in grade school. I was the kind of nerdy guy who girls were too embarrassed to look at, let alone talk to. But it wasn't a problem for me then, because I was still generally terrified of the possibility of talking to girls anyway. That lasted until my college years, when I made a conscious effort to change my image. Lost the glasses, cut the hair, actually ironed my T-shirts and such. An all around un-dorkage. As it turns out, I became a decent looking guy, even referred to as a "hottie" on various occasions. But I still never went to parties (I'm very introverted), and never progressed past the small talk stage with any girls (also very shy around females).

So here I am, 25 years old, smart, funny, handsome, good job, and even the concept of holding hands is foreign to me. The situation is quite a bit different from being just a sexual virgin. People think that is just "sweet," or that maybe he's "saving himself." But a guy my age who has never participated in the old Greco-Roman liplock is just freaky. I wouldn't dare confess this to a girl I like for fear of being laughed out of the state.

There's the real problem. I don't have any regrets about my past (blatant lie); it's my future that worries me. How am I ever to find a nice, cute, normal girl my age who would have the patience to tolerate my unparalleled lack of experience?

This is where you come in, BG. I don't know what I expect you to say, and I've already read your articles on shyness. I guess I was just hoping you could give me some motivation to prevent me from spending the rest of my life alone. Sometimes I wish I had some dark abusive past which would at least give me an explanation for being the way I am. But alas, my childhood and family were perfect (shucks). So am I just a freak with no hope for the future or what? Please help BG!

--Joey "Tight Lips"

Dear Joey,

You're a bit of a freak, yes, but only because you ironed your T-shirts. Otherwise, statistically, yes, you're "different," but I can't really discern any Problem here. Only real problem, far as I can tell, is similar to the sex thing: the longer you wait, the bigger the deal it becomes. And this is, like, vast now. I know.

But there is one factor that makes your sitch easier than the sex thing. That's that when -- yes, when -- it happens, you really don't have to tell the kissee that you're a "virgin." You really don't. Need-to-know basis: nil. (The sex part, we'll cross that bridge later -- anyway, you said yourself people think that's "sweet.") And no, s/he won't be able to "tell." Kissing is not like that old catch-22 of the job market -- you don't have to have experience to get experience. No one takes a class first. All of us old-timers have never done anything but wing it. And, well, some of the old-timers -- men and women -- still kiss like Jaws. Arguably, the best, most wondrous, reverent, care-taking kissers are the novices (or those who can still channel the old days). They're the ones saying to themselves, "Ohmigodpsychepsychepsyche! We're actually kissing!" rather than "OK, now what?" So keep your mouth shut...but your lips slightly parted, also. Trust me, you'll get the hang of it.

So here's all you have to worry about: finding a "nice, cute, normal girl." Hey, without the "confession" part, that's a piece of cake! In other words, tryyyyyyy to separate the "meeting" part from the "kissing" part. Don't think about meeting a girl TO kiss, think about meeting a girl you would kiss when doin' what comes naturally. Which -- if you let it -- it will. Do a little holding with those iron-warm hands – just do it, there's no knowhow -- and the full-lip press will follow. Keep us posted.

Love,
Breakup Girl

 
< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >