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July 17, 2000   CONTINUED e-mail e-mail to a friend in need

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Dear Breakup Girl,

Well, I'm with this one guy I met through the phone. Things have gotten deep between us, to a point where I feel I love him more then anything, and he says he loves me too. But there's a problem: he doesn't know I'm in a wheelchair and wants to meet this month.What should I do? How should I tell him? Should I just let him go without knowing? I'm scared of being rejected!

--Mary


Dear Mary,

Your letter poignantly reminds us that phone/modem-only meetings offer both perk and pitfall. Perk: a way around a potential first-encounter distraction (physical "difference") or challenge (face-to-face shyness with "strangers"). Pitfall: all-too-easiness of not getting around to the hard part. And then the longer you go without, the harder it is to pipe up. Not that you've, like, messed up, Mary; this is tricky, I know.

So does our own Belleruth. What should you do?

"Depends," she says, "on how much you think you can stand it if he, gulp, disappears on you." That's IF. That is: it wouldn't be 'right' for him to freak and bail, but logically/humanly, it's a possibility. That, or when it comes to the snapshots of you in his imagination, it might take him a bit to reconcile old with new.

The other IF: "If you want a lasting romantic fantasy, with no actual face-to-face contact, then you can try find a way to avoid telling/seeing him. Which is fine, in a sense. But in another, then you're the one who disappears. It's a matter of your readiness."

Final IF: problem is, if he pushes a meeting and you hedge or bail, then you're also in the uncomfortable -- and rather untenable -- position of lying...and maybe even losing him anyway! Oh, Mary. I'd risk it. As Belleruth reassures you: "Either way, this guy is not litmus test for the rest of humanity. There is someone who's okay with wheelchairs, even if it's not him." No IFs about that.

Love,
Belleruth and BG

PS: You might find community, compassion, companions, or even COMPANIONcompanions here.

PPS: Same goes for you, Bobby who wrote this week!

 
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