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Dear Breakup Girl,
My best friend's boyfriend keeps hitting on me and everyone thinks
it's a joke! BG, this is really driving me nuts!
My best friend's old flame from parts exterior, let's call him
Valentino, appeared in town on a visit a month ago and wasted no time moving
into my best friend's (let's call her Fanny) place, proclaiming undying love
and intentions of marriage. He also wasted no time making himself obnoxious
and lecherous towards me. It started rather innocuously with a couple of threesome
jokes over copious amounts of wine. I was sober (driving) and so thought, "Ah,
he's tipsy, let him joke," and laughed along. Unfortunately, he kept making
those jokes on subsequent occasions while sober. On one occasion, two
weeks after appearing in town, he tried to stroke my leg while asking me when
I'd be available for the threesome! Fanny jokingly told him to stop, but she
obviously wasn't too upset.
So I let it pass for the sake of Fanny, who thinks Valentino is
flawless. Plus, whenever I mentioned his weirdness to my friends, they just
told me I was jealous that I didn't have a guy. I let it pass until we went
to this party last week and Valentino decided that not only would he make threesome
jokes (ugh!), but also would dance about an inch away from me. I didn't find
this amusing, but everyone else did. I started pushing him away, but he wouldn't
let up. Finally, I got mad and left.
The next day, I saw Fanny. She told me that Valentino was very
upset with me because I kept pushing him away and telling him to leave me alone.
Because she is sooo in love with Valentino and because everyone is going
on that I'm jealous, instead of saying, "Your boyfriend disrespects you and
is harassing me," I said, "You know I'm not touchy-feely, and I really can't
take it when people don't respect that about me. If he would stop this, we could
all be friends!" Fanny's reply (which scared me): "You know, Valentino is perfect,
so he expects everyone else to be." At this point, I said to myself, "Whoa...weird,"
and to her, "He's not perfect." She just ran home to smooth his feathers.
The next day, she and another friend nicely explained to me that
Valentino acts like a lecherous jerk to me because he likes getting a rise out
of me; apparently, I'm really funny when I'm mad. Now, correct me if I'm wrong
about this: (1) If he likes it when I'm mad, why is he upset when I finally
get mad? (2) What gives him the right to make me uncomfortable and upset for
his amusement? (3) What's with Fanny not telling him to lay off?
So I told someone outside my circle of friends. He said that two
things might be happening. (1) Valentino is actually serious about the
threesome and is now mad because I'm not buying in to it. And/or (2) He knows
I'm getting mad and is hoping that I'll get pissed off enough to no longer hang
around Fanny and tell her that he's basically just using her to get citizenship
(through marriage) and meanwhile have free room and board.
I can't say anything to Fanny, because right now she's in this
"He's perfect and I'm blissful and will soon be married to the man of my dreams"
state, whereby anything I say will get misconstrued by either her or him as
my being jealous and wanting to wreck their happiness. So, I have to figure
out a way not to lose my best friend and meanwhile keep this jerk away from
me (perhaps, at the same time, keeping the jerk away from her).
It's really getting horribly annoying, and I just want to know
how to fix this whole situation. Am I insane? Is there a way to salvage anything?
Should I just let her be for a while? Breakup Girl, help!
-- Mad in Montreal
Dear Mad in Montreal,
From the looks of this
article, seems that you might have wanted to call this guy "Charlie."
That, or, in another life, your friend "Fanny" was already doing his
What to do? Well, first, I'll give you a
couple things not to worry about.
1. "Everyone thinks it's a joke."
Not that there's nothing wrong with that. But I'd rather not cite ever creepier/more
unsettling examples of onlookers finding it more comfortable/easier to say "Ha,
ha!" than "Cut that out!"
2. "Keeping 'the jerk' away from her."
If she doesn't [seem to] care that he's hitting on her friend, then she's not
ready to hear anything contrary to her movie idol image.
3. All that stuff about how it's funny when
you're mad and the threesome and citizenship and blah blah blah. Of course you're
looking for answers, but this guy has crossed the line between Fun/Faux Pas/Explanations/Misunderstandings
and "What part of 'Get out of my space and go dance with your girlfriend,
you skank!' don't you understand?"
Point is, I'd say this is between you and
Rudy now. His Stolen Moments
do not have to be your silent film. Who cares what he thinks? Jealousy,
schmealousy; happiness, schmappiness. Don't defend yourself or argue those points.
You asked him not to touch your leg, he touched your leg, you're asking him
not to again. And you don't want to have to ask him AGAINagain. Period.
That, and/or avoid them -- or at least him/them
together -- for a while. Important: this would not mean you're abandoning
her or the friendship. It would mean you're trying to step back and let this
Rogue's Romance blow over rather
than up. It would send a message -- hopefully, one of many that Fanny will start
to assemble and consider over the long term; again, now's not the time for you
two to do the shoulder-shaking scene (click here
for more). And it would give you the chance to cultivate "talkie"
friendships with people who actually hear you.
"My boyfriend is a 22-year-old virgin!"