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| August 14, 2000 CONTINUED |
e-mail to a friend in need
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Your presence is crucial, but your role is tricky. Much as you may want to just yell STOP NOW, doing so may drive him/her farther away. You cannot tell this person what to do; someone is already doing that. Remember that, while it may seem passive, your support -- even as s/he chooses to stay -- is a statement. Once, while wearing her "PRESS" hat, Breakup Girl interviewed a young woman in California who'd finally shored up the chutzpah to leave a partner who jerked her around, figuratively and literally. What made her wake up and get out? The fact that her friends stuck by her, included her in their plans, and constantly reminded her -- even without saying it outright -- that she mattered. So tell her why you're concerned, tell her that it's the last time you're going to lecture her about why you're concerned, tell her that you will be there for her no matter what, and tell her that she better get her shoes on because you're going to see The X-Men. Parents Friends 8. Back to Becky So Becky? I bet you once thought that you would lose your virginity only to someone special. And I bet now you want more than anything for this one to be that guy. It must be hard to accept any alternative. Well, it's not your fault that things haven't turned out that way. And it's not your fault that he hasn't changed. The stuff he says and does to you is beyond your control, maybe even beyond his. People who love each other are in prime position to, like, push each other's buttons, but "treating each other horrible" goes way beyond okay. Becky, love can be hard, but it's not supposed to suck. It's probably difficult to trust yourself -- or anyone, or anything -- at a time when all sorts of stuff you thought you knew is getting called into question. So let me remind you: you are right. You are so, so right. "Treating people good" -- that's the idea. So is being with someone you dig talking to and look forward to hanging out with. So is being safe. Read this and this; please talk to a grownup about what's going on; let your friends keep you company. That way, you can figure out what you need to do. And you know what? I bet you've already helped lots of other people figure out what to do, too. Thanks. Love, 9. Resources National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE Abused men: centers and resources Abusers: how to stop and get help Advocates for Abused and Battered Lesbians Books by Barrie Levy: But I Love Him: Protecting Your Daughter from Controlling, Abusive Dating Relationships (book available 10/00) CDC Fact Sheet on Dating Violence Cybergrrl Safety Net (stories, info, links) Domestic Violence Links Worldwide Domestic Violence Links Nationwide Domestic Violence Links: U.S. state and local Gay Men's Domestic Violence Project It's My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence (book by Meg Kennedy Dugan) Some other sources BG used: APBnews.com, The Corporate Alliance to End Partner Violence, New York Times ("On campuses, warnings about violence in relationships," 2/13/00), Teenwire, Twist Magazine ("I Loved Him, He Abused Me," 2/2000); interviews with Barrie Levy, L.C.S.W.
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7. How can I help a friend or family member?
  
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