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Predicament of the Week
In which Breakup Girl addresses the situation that has, this week, brought her the most (a) amusement, (b) relief that it is happening to someone else, and/or (c) proof that she could not possibly be making this stuff up.

Dear Breakup Girl,

Where to begin? I started dating a woman around Thanksgiving 1996. She is a businesswoman in NYC and has a store and a loft over it where she lives with her 10 year old daughter. Things were going well for us and the three of us were inseparable for months.

My girlfriend was working with someone and laid out a lot of money to get the job done. The person she was working with told her that she would not be paid until he got paid. It was now Feb 1, 1997 and she worried that she couldn't pay the rent on her store or home. So, I lent her the money to pay the bills, under the agreement that she would pay me back immediately after she got paid for the job. I gave her $5,000. ($3,000 cash, $2,000 check).

Flash forward to Feb 14, 1997. Valentine's Day. Went to Carmine's on the Upper West Side. Packed. No way were we getting a table. We order it to go.Take it home. Have a great meal. Great time. I head home. I get there and there is a message on my voice mail that she is breaking up with me. (Obviously not an avid reader of your column.)

Wow.

I am spinning for a few weeks. She will not take my phone calls. After a while,I write to her and say, "this is kind of awkward, but I would really like to be paid back..." No response. No nothing. I wait and write again and tell her that it is a lot of money, and she could pay it off a little at a time if she would like. Nothing.

So, I am here a year later and I really feel foolish to have been taken and used. I get a notice for Jury Duty. Ugh! I go down there to explain to the judge that I am too poor to take off from work for weeks to do my civic duty. After the judge releases me from duty, I happen to walk by the building for civil court.

I go in (through more metal detectors than at a NY Knicks game) and find out that the small claims court filing is easy and I could do it without a lawyer. I do it. I file a lawsuit against her, feeling that there probably is no chance that we are going to get back together after a year.

That was last week.

I came home from work last night to get this message on my voice-mail. "Hi James, this is Lauren from The People's Court with Ed Koch. We just saw your filing and would like to talk to you about your lawsuit against xxxxx."

As God as my witness BG (not that I am all that religious), this entire story is true. What do I do? Can Ed Koch be the cure for all my woes? Should I go to small claims and forget about The People's Court? Should I go and start a bidding war with Jerry Springer?

I look to you for an answer. You are my rock.

-- J

Dear J,

Sure, go ahead and do the TV show. But only if you promise me one thing: that your eyes will meet, on air, and one of you will suddenly say, "Awwww, muffin, what are we fighting for?" Then we'd have ourselves a story. Judge Judy can marry you. The People's Courtship, yada yada yada.

Otherwise, small claims should more than suffice. Normally, when people ask BG how to repo pre-breakup loaners, she tells them to forget it, go buy new Packers tickets/Pogs/etc. But in your case, well, them clams is big claims. If the money's worth the red tape -- which, by the way, does not hold together a post-breakup friendship -- be my guest. Not Koch's.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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