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Dear Breakup Girl,
I really need your help. Four days ago my boy of eight months broke up with
me out of the blue! Everyone, including me, was/is shocked! I am still majorly
bummed. When we broke up, he cried more than I (at the time, anyway). Now he is
really acting miserable, and everyone keeps telling me how sad he always is. I
see him in school every day, and he stares at me when he thinks I'm not
looking. One of my guy buds talked to him yesterday and he said that he is not
100% sure he made the right choice when he dumped me (BTW, I didn't really get
a good reason as to why). My bud also found out that there are "many
little reasons as to why I broke up with her, but there is just one big
one." He wouldn't spill the "smaller" reasons, but the big one
he said is that he can't see himself married to me when we are 30 or 40. For
goodness' sake, we are both 15! I don't know if I can see us that far away,
either, but why should this affect high school relationships? If everyone let
it affect their teen relationships, no one would ever have a date, correct? I
also happen to know that his 'rents are super strict, would that have anything
to do with it? I just can't see whythey'd want him away from me, I do nothing
bad, and I treat him and his family perfectly. I refuse to lose him, he is the
best thing that ever happened to me, and I love him more than anything. I won't
give up until I know why he did this, and why he was so upset, and still is,
when he is the one who dumped me. Please help me!!!
-- Jen
Dear Jen,
He said he couldn't see you two married? He must have
overheard his older sister breaking up with someone. You are absolutely right
about the insanity of using this litmus test in high school. Can you see
yourselves together ... at prom? That's all you need to know.
Anyway, Jen, here's the problem: you may never
"know" exactly why he dumped you. Often, dumpers don't even really
know themselves (hence the odd pronouncements about marriage 20 years down the
road). Or, when they do, TRUST ME!!!!!!!!, you don't really want to hear. You
think you do, BUT YOU DO NOT. Also, dumpers -- believe it or not -- have
feelings. (I feel a little bit like the scientists who insist that gorillas
really have actual language skills, but it's true.) They're that special kind
of feelings called mixed feelings. Which are what you get when you don't
want to go out with someone anymore -- for whatever insane reason -- but it's
not like you hate them, and you miss all the fun times, especially when you see
each other in school all the time. Got it?
All of that said, I hereby permit you one phone call
or conversation with him. No pressure: just tell him you miss him and that if
he ever changed his mind, Ms. Thang might take a reunion under consideration.
In terms of "refusing to lose" someone, that's about all you can do.
Otherwise -- and I know this, like, doesn't help at all, but here goes -- you
are darn articulate and insightful ... I can definitely see you, well, married
when you are 30 or 40. Which is the same reasoning one might apply to Breakup
Girl. I'm just saying.
Love,
Breakup Girl
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