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June 1, 1998   CONTINUED e-mail e-mail to a friend in need

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Dear Breakup Girl,

I really need your help. Four days ago my boy of eight months broke up with me out of the blue! Everyone, including me, was/is shocked! I am still majorly bummed. When we broke up, he cried more than I (at the time, anyway). Now he is really acting miserable, and everyone keeps telling me how sad he always is. I see him in school every day, and he stares at me when he thinks I'm not looking. One of my guy buds talked to him yesterday and he said that he is not 100% sure he made the right choice when he dumped me (BTW, I didn't really get a good reason as to why). My bud also found out that there are "many little reasons as to why I broke up with her, but there is just one big one." He wouldn't spill the "smaller" reasons, but the big one he said is that he can't see himself married to me when we are 30 or 40. For goodness' sake, we are both 15! I don't know if I can see us that far away, either, but why should this affect high school relationships? If everyone let it affect their teen relationships, no one would ever have a date, correct? I also happen to know that his 'rents are super strict, would that have anything to do with it? I just can't see whythey'd want him away from me, I do nothing bad, and I treat him and his family perfectly. I refuse to lose him, he is the best thing that ever happened to me, and I love him more than anything. I won't give up until I know why he did this, and why he was so upset, and still is, when he is the one who dumped me. Please help me!!!

-- Jen


Dear Jen,

He said he couldn't see you two married? He must have overheard his older sister breaking up with someone. You are absolutely right about the insanity of using this litmus test in high school. Can you see yourselves together ... at prom? That's all you need to know.

Anyway, Jen, here's the problem: you may never "know" exactly why he dumped you. Often, dumpers don't even really know themselves (hence the odd pronouncements about marriage 20 years down the road). Or, when they do, TRUST ME!!!!!!!!, you don't really want to hear. You think you do, BUT YOU DO NOT. Also, dumpers -- believe it or not -- have feelings. (I feel a little bit like the scientists who insist that gorillas really have actual language skills, but it's true.) They're that special kind of feelings called mixed feelings. Which are what you get when you don't want to go out with someone anymore -- for whatever insane reason -- but it's not like you hate them, and you miss all the fun times, especially when you see each other in school all the time. Got it?

All of that said, I hereby permit you one phone call or conversation with him. No pressure: just tell him you miss him and that if he ever changed his mind, Ms. Thang might take a reunion under consideration. In terms of "refusing to lose" someone, that's about all you can do. Otherwise -- and I know this, like, doesn't help at all, but here goes -- you are darn articulate and insightful ... I can definitely see you, well, married when you are 30 or 40. Which is the same reasoning one might apply to Breakup Girl. I'm just saying.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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