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February 1, 1999   CONTINUED e-mail e-mail to a friend in need

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Dear Breakup Girl,

How do you know when it's OK to say "I love you" to someone? Last year, two guys said it to me and I didn't believe them (with good reason), so I didn't say it back. They didn't last long. I said it to a third guy, partly because I meant it and partly because a dear friend of mine who died this year told me I was taking the phrase too seriously re: guys 1 and 2 and I should lighten up. I freaked out the third guy; that didn't last long either. The one long-term thing I've ever been in, he said it first, earlier than I expected but I was surprised and delighted. That lasted a long time. So how do you get this one right?

-- Reenie


Dear Reenie,

When it comes to the way to say "I love you," here are the three little words you may or may not want to hear: "There's no 'right.'"

But I can give you some guidance. The first time you feel like saying it to someone, don't. Note the impulse, then do the proverbial check-in with yourself to see what you mean. Do you mean a nice ivory "I love you," (99 44/100 % pure) or do you mean, say, "I love you THAT'S YOUR CUE!" or "I love you because I'm afraid you're going to leave me but if I say I love you you'll feel guilty and that will make it harder," -- you know, that kind of thing. And Reenie, your friend-given mission to "lighten up" is lovely, but a little less than pure. Yes, it's a fitting tribute to a departed dear one to love more, to say more, to open your heart. But that does not necessarily translate into a specific script for you to recite. When you do that, you're not only stating your feelings, you're also doing a project.

So again, do a little love scene with your intentions before you do the deed. There's time. If you love that person today, you will love him/her tomorrow. And if you find yourself scared and nervous and excited at the prospect, fine. Of course you are. That's a good sign, in fact. It certainly doesn't mean you shouldn't spill the three little beans. And if you do spill them, and the other person freaks, take on three other little words: "Talk about it" and/or "Work it out." Just as the "I love you" sayer can have his / her personal agenda going, so can the "I love you" hearer. So if weirdness results, be sure to debrief and decode. And remember: "Hey, no rush."

Love,
Breakup Girl

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