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Dear Breakup Girl,

Hey BG! I've been reading your weekly advice columns forever, and I finally feel like I have a problem that is bigger than myself--in short, I need a superhero. So here goes:

A month ago I started seeing this guy, we'll call him Scott, and we have had a wonderful time and have been enjoying each other's presence a lot and he had even said something to the effect that "at the moment we're just FRIENDS, but that will change soon." Little did I know he was going to surprise me with the statement "I'm gay" a couple of days later. Ouch. Now, I already have a ton of gay and lesbian friends and I have a ball when I'm out with them and so on and so on. Some of my best friends are gay, but they've all been very open about it within the first few days of getting to be friends. I admit that I had plans for Scott, I really thought that he might be the one, because he's such a nice guy and I couldn't ask for anything more. We're both in college and I thought, "Hey, maybe this will finally be the one." But now, I'm mad and really, actually wanting to never talk to him again. I should have known better than to fall in love so quickly, but it just seemed so right. So, my question is this: Is it a really mean thing for me to be mad and never want to see him again, just because he's gay and I've fallen for him? I just can't even stand to think of being just friends because I had been looking at our friendship leading to something higher. Should I grin and bear it, or just say, "buh-bye" because he's not what I'm looking for? And I do have a problem with falling in love with gay men -- it's happened twice before -- but both relationships were stopped dead in their tracks after they told me they were gay. I feel guilty about being so judgmental, but they aren't what I need right now--I already have almost all gay/lesbian friends. Is this a sign from God, or what? And also, is there a way I can avoid this gay magnetism I have, so I can find a nice STRAIGHT guy?

-- Magnetic Maggie

Dear Magnetic Maggie,

Judgmental? Look, if instead of saying, "I'm gay," he'd said, "I'm Linda Tripp," you wouldn't feel bad about being mad. While it's "okay" to dis her, it's not -- in certain circles -- okay to dis gay people. But you, Maggie, are feeling needlessly bad because you're mixing up (a) discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation, and (b) rejection on the basis of sexual orientation. There's a big difference between not liking someone gay because you don't like his "lifestyle" and not liking someone gay because he doesn't LIKElike you back. If it's too painful for you to be friends with him, take -- nicely, not meanly -- a step back. At least until the smarting subsides. You have enough [gay] friends.

Other than that, when you say "seeing" Scott, were you, like, dating? Romantically involved? Kissing? (Despite his disclaimers.) Were you doing that with the other [gay] guys you've been "falling in love with?" Or -- and this is what I think you mean -- were you hanging out, hoping for something more? See, I'm not convinced that you have, per se, "a problem with falling in love with gay men." I think you have a problem with "falling in love." That is, with using that term (also, "the one," etc.) with someone whom you don't even know well enough yet to know his sexual orientation. Seems like you might be grooving on the heady, giddy, fizzy feeling of falling in crush -- with someone whom you actually kind of (yes) know is not going to be available. Way to not have to do the work of a relationship! Way to not have to do the work of getting over actual, personal rejection! Way to not have to do the work of ... falling in love!

Meanwhile, as Paul the Intern will assure you, there are tons of nice straight guys out there (otherwise known as Straight Gay Friends) who are wondering where you are. Perhaps Monica should have called one of them.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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