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Dear Breakup Girl,

Long story short: My current boyfriend is wonderful to me. He's my best friend, my best dude, my partner in crime (well, we're law abiding citizens, but if we weren't, he'd be my partner).

He totally helped me to remove myself from an incredibly destructive, abusive relationship over two years ago. When I was at my lowest, and had practically no self-esteem, he came along and showed me that I was a rockin' chick who deserved more.

Anyhow, we get along great (we live together now) and often on a Saturday morning we'll wake up all playful-like and start to wrestle or somethin' (you know that whole boyfriend/girlfriend giggly thing, right?). So the other morning, we were just sort of playing around, and I just got freaked out. Like, I know that he would never, EVER hurt me, but I just became terrified and began to cry uncontrollably... because it just brought up unhappy memories of days past.

I've never gotten into the major details with him, the whole story of what kind of destructive, awful things happened between my last "boyfriend" (I usually refer to him as "the tormentor" if I ever speak of him.) As a matter of fact, I've never really TOLD anyone the exact semantics of what went down the few times when the mental and verbal abuse turned physical. I've only hinted towards my boyfriend that more transpired than name calling and no-win situations, but I'm sure that he knows now.

I really felt awful when I freaked. He felt awful. He was obviously very hurt that I would ever be afraid of him, when he's never treated me with anything but kindness and affection. He also was obviously uncomfortable with me being so shaken after I was okay. I was just kind of trying to deal with my reaction, and was sort of trying to put the images that the whole thing brought up back in that really-hard-to-empty garbage can that lives in the back of my head.

I was wondering if you could answer me this: do you know of any kind of exercises or mind-over-matter techniques that can help me to work through the icky things that happened to me in my past? I actually did seek therapy a couple of times in the past, but I felt very uncomfortable telling the people I'd gone to meet about what had happened. It's quite a source of shame and embarassment for me, that I ever let it happen in the first place, and it's been downright impossible to find people I feel like I can tell about it.

I think I feel safe enough to tell my boyfriend the things that happened as well, but I just don't know how to bring it up without either sounding like I'm on a sympathy-fishing trip or some soap opera star. I don't even know if he wants/needs to know the whole story, he probably knows what he needs to by now.

Let the record show that my main-squeeze and I are always honest with eachother, and that the cornerstone of our relationship are our late-night no-holds barred intimate talks about whatever. He knows the show - that my last boyfriend is a really bad person, that if he ever happened to stop by this side of the country it would be really, REALLY bad news (he lives far, far away and hasn't bothered to contact me for a long, long time). He knows that it did get physical, he just doesn't know how, or why, or what, ya know? Should I just let this sleeping dog lie and hope it never wakes up again?

What do you think?

-- A Little (But Not Quite So Badly) Damaged

Dear A Little,

Just so happens that Belleruth is doing some work on these very issues, even as we type.

Her long-distance diagnosis is this: Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Now, you may not like the idea of "having" something with a big cumbersome acronym, one often associated with ill-advised, drawn-out, wounds-still-raw wars. On the other hand, it may help you to know that even though we used the word "disorder," you are, under the circumstances, normal. Also, not alone.

Go to, Belleruth: "You have a lot of good company: women who have PTSD and are filled with same over the horrendous behavior of a 'loved one.' It happens to very smart terrific women, rich and poor, well-educated and not.

What is 'it?' You will get sudden terrors, sometimes triggered by fun wrestling, and sometimes triggered by nothing at all. It's the nature of the beast/half-asleep pooch. And by the time it's happening all the time, you're brainwashed that you're worthless and deserve it and did something wrong to elicit it.

About the Good Boyfriend: here's the thing. Of course he knows the score. He'd have to be an idiot not to. But of course you should talk to him about it. Not because he needs to know more, but because it will help you get beyond your 'irrational' shame attacks over this. What you should share with him is not more of What Happened, although that's fine; it's your Shame. If you don't it'll get corrosive. You'll do weird, secretive things, or hold back in other ways. and -- if I may state the obvious -- you're not the one who should be ashamed.

(Keep in mind, of course, that in most abusive relationships, the abuse starts up subtly and incrementally, and is, at least at first, followed by such remorse and such dramatic declarations of love that it's very seductive to think it won't happen again and one should give the guy another chance.)

You can get help for this aftermath by calling your local domestic violence agency, or the national one at 800-799-SAFE. And you should try telling your honey about how ashamed you are. That may be enough."

Love,
BR and BG

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