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Dear Breakup Girl,

Since I read your Monday 3/8 column, I figured I'd drop a note on the off-chance that you might be able to dispense some much needed advice or pointers.

Capsule rundown: I've been with S (my sweetie) for three and a half years, with a 2 year LDR stint in the middle. I'm back in the area, happily employed, and we're sharing a small basement apartment.

She's always been a big girl, and to be blunt, I like the soft curvy look, even though she was more than just "curvy" when we first started seeing each other (friends-to-more sort of situation...). While I was gone she gained quite a bit more weight -- to the point that I was scared she was going to collapse last summer when we went on a short moderately inclined hike up to some falls (we'd done hiking before, and I had no problem going at her pace, but this was a big out-of-shape warning).

It's made certain positions in bed uncomfortable or impossible, and I think I notice it more because I happen to be shorter (and lighter) than her, and in the past year added weight-lifting to my running routine.

I realize that my concern about her weight is part of a larger set of concerns:

She's seeing a counselor, and has been on Paxil. She feels awful about being as overweight as she is, and though she's tried monitored nutrition plans (not starving herself or crash diets) before and they worked, eventually she dropped them. She was (intentionally) unemployed for about six months up to this Jan after leaving an awful office job, and I'm worried (and she is as well) that she doesn't have a direction she wants to move in, job-wise. (This is actually as big if not bigger worry than the weight, but since your column was about weight...)

Moving in together (two months so far) has been good. She said it's helped her eat better (and I can gently discourage too-frequent ice cream trips, but I don't play Food Police) and she's joined the gym with me, going roughly twice a week (I always go twice and am aiming for three). She's working part-time and saving the money to pay off some debt ($1000 in credit, roughly).

I'm glad she's employed now, and that she's exercising some, but I worry. It's not as if I expect (or want) her to be thin, but she's carrying enough weight that it is a legitimate health concern. I worry that although I still find her attractive, it's tempered. Since I can see myself spending a long time (perhaps even marrying) this woman, I'm thinking, how do I deal if she keeps gaining weight? or she doesn't lose any (from where she is now)?

I know I can't really do any more than I'm doing -- being supportive, not constantly bringing up her weight, keeping the eat-out/ice-cream quotient down, exercise... and that ultimately this is her battle.

But that doesn't matter to the selfish part of me that increasingly feels guilty for noticing the weight gain and wonders, am I going to wake up some day and resent her?

-- Hoping and Waiting

Dear Hoping,

This is going to be both harder and easier than you realize. Harder: you might want to talk to her. Yikes! (I'm not saying that weight per se is inherently A "we need to talk" Problem; but hey, it is in your world. Easier: You could start by showing her at least portions of what you wrote here.

That was actually our very own Expert Belleruth's idea. She says, "You are impressive and sensitive. Even your email, which could have been really ugly, is very caring. Sharing it with her could be a very powerful -- and still loving -- goose for her.

It does sound like she's starting to get control of her life again, but she is depression-prone and that is not going to help much, over the years, with her weight over the years -- which, in turn, sounds like a health concern and also a comfort concern: knees, backs, feet, etc. start to do strange things when they're carrying more than they were made for.

Meantime, yes, do maintain your very lovely stance -- motivating, but not the food police!"

Try it, Hoping. And be prepared, even, to enhance that stance. Keep your end of the conversation in the realm of how you can't help feeling, not in the realm of how she can't help eating. You know? And then listen.

Love,
BR and BG

PS You didn't hear it from Belleruth, but weight loss guided imagery tapes might be perfect for S, if she chooses. -- BG

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