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Dear Breakup Girl,

Please help. My ex-boyfriend came back into town after three years, and the minute I saw him I felt like I got hit by a truck. All those buried feelings clawed their way to the surface with no respect for the three years of growing I had done. Traitors.

Like my friend Cristy says, "They always come back." But what do you do with them when they do? How do I keep from calling him? Short of a "phone breathalyzer" (when drinking's involved), how do I keep my hand from desperately dialing? I don't want to appear maniacal and scare him off.

I would love to see a list of "Reasons not to Call Him" or "DON'T CALL HIM -- here's why." So far I've only come up with a few:

1) It doesn't make me look pretty.
2) I'm obviously too busy.
3) When he calls me, I win.

That's all I have. None of them are working for me right now. Any other reasons? Help. My fingers are itching.

--Ready to Ring

Dear Ready to Ring,

4) Because you're already on the phone trying to work this breathalyzer thing.

Other than that, do not make it a game you can "win." He might not call in the first place. So if you break down and dial, you will decide that you are (a) a loser, and (b) the loser. For you, not a win-win.

That said, I don't see the harm in calling. ONCE. It's not "maniacal" as long as you don't say anything like, "I DON'T WANT YOU TO THINK I'M BEING MANIACAL OR ANYTHING. "Do it as a nice, simple, courteous welcome-wagonny thing. Otherwise, Ready, they're gonna come and cart you away. Not calling is making you maniacal. Right now, you're like that cartoon of a normal-sized woman sitting next to a phone the size of a bus. So do it for you. 'Cause if you think about it, sitting on your hands next to that Mack Phone listing reasons not to use it is the same as just up and calling.

Of course he triggered the traitors, by the way. That's normal, natural. Probably even temporary. It didn't undo three years; it doesn't necessarily Mean Anything. I don't think. I mean, do you just want to win this game, or do you want to win him back? The latter, you see, would require a whole 'nother letter and -- if we deem it warranted -- a whole different approach: not just to-ring-or-not-to-ring. So think about it. I just don't want you to feel like you're stuck in the kind of place where you get only one phone call, if you know what I mean.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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