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Dear Breakup Girl,
I thought after so many losers, I'd finally found "The One." We seemed so
in so many important ways. My guy is honest and has a good heart. But over the
past couple of months, he has consistently shown signs of being a Neanderthal.
Out of the blue, he turns from a sweet-hearted, sensitive man who truly wants
to give and receive love into a crude, unfeeling, selfish, prideful ass. This
past weekend, while I was suffering with food poisoning and needed his help,
he just sat there watching his cartoons. Instead of getting help from him, I
ended up getting us both breakfast! He also decided to break plans for a day
we had made well in advance by saying, "I'm not going and that's that." Later,
when I was trying to talk to him quietly on the street, he just left me
there, sick with hands full of bags. It was like being in the Twilight Zone.
He's two people, and I don't know what (if anything) I can do to determine
one comes out next. When I bring this behavior to his attention and show how
much it hurts my feelings, he acts as if he has no idea what I'm talking
I'm very afraid that he is showing major signs of incompatibility, since
had this kind of callous-man behavior happen before and refused to deal with
it. But, in his case, it truly seems that he has no idea he is being selfish
and doesn't see it until I totally refuse to talk to him. I know that in the
past, if I kept coming back, guys would just continue being asses. I had to
completely break it off before they would respect me. So, is that my only
Every time a guy does something that is wrong (at least wrong for me), must
I just call it quits? On the other hand, I've done a lot of giving and
sacrificing over the years with men (even taken physical abuse), so I know I
must draw appropriate boundaries of acceptable treatment. But where's the line?
When do I know this is just something I have to learn to deal with and when
it's time to get out? I'm constantly trying to analyze this stuff and my head
-- Dr. Why
Dear Dr. Why,
Where's the line?
Blips and drops of hasty reflexy meanness and all
of other Human Flaws are, well, exactly that. Differences, even major ones --
of opinion, background, politics, approach to child-rearing, "best"
way to the airport -- are an indication that you are, well, not clones. Giving
and Sacrificing are, yes, What You Do in relationships ... that is, when
some sort of grand quid pro quo balance -- as opposed to tit-for-tat tally,
or total lopside -- to things.
With that in mind, let me show you where the
is. As in: allow me to articulate a Major Breakup Girl Bottom Line.
Here is the question -- THE question -- you -- ALL of
you -- need to ask:
DOES S/HE THINK YOU'RE THE BOMB?
And does s/he act accordingly?
If the answer is yes, then all of the above -- though
not without normal human messiness-of-love complication -- falls into place.
If no, then one is not ignored while feverish nor abandoned on a street corner.
In more than one later-abjectly-apologized-for high-drama moment, anyway. Maybe
I'm being harsh, but you are "incompatible" with all people like
because they are fairly incompatible with humans.
When you question behavior like this, Dr., you are not
being nitpicky. That kind of thing is not "wrong for you;" it's ...
wrong. As far as lines go, you might want to make a beeline to a pro
who can help you re-toggle your post-"physical abuse" expectations.
Breaking things off "so that they'll respect you" is not your
option." Dating folks who do in the first place is.
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