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Dear Breakup Girl,
Once upon a time, I had a friend; we'll call him ReboundBoy. We met through
mutual friends and did the same sports, skiing, etc. We used to send each other
e-mail pretty much every day and talk on the phone occasionally. RB is a lot
younger than I am and married. Very cheerful stuff, ho ho. Every few months
we might go to lunch and chat.
Jump a couple of months forward. RB and wife are having problems. Yours
listens sympathetically. Cut to the chase: RB and I go to a movie and out to
a bar when the next thing I know, RB's tongue is in my mouth.
Well! As I was flattered and incredibly horny, the next thing I know, we're
almost doing the horizontal tango in a car. BUT, before RB can go all the way,
he wants "closure" in his relationship.
OK, I can understand that; he's moved out, filed for divorce, and things are
moving apace. I knew from the start that there would probably be no long term
relationship due to the age difference. But I digress. Cut to the next
scenario....a little more hot and heavy this time, but no intercourse. He tells
me that he wants it to be "no strings, NO PDA," but that he is definitely
interested. I really was interested in a sexual, if not long term,
interlude with this man.
Cut to Monday morning. Yours truly opens her e-mail to find a long missive
on how RB has told his wife it is definitely over, since he has met the woman
of his dreams...his NEIGHBOR. She has a boyfriend, but he has all sorts
of schemes to break up their relationship and spends the next MONTH letting
me know in oblique ways how this is going.
I was a little stunned, to put it mildly. So, I told him that I was still
interested but that I did NOT want to hear the details of his planned
seduction of Miss Lotus Blossom. We see each other socially a couple of times
-- no more tongue tango, no more plans. Suddenly, ReboundBoy evaporates -- no
more e-mail, no phone calls, no nothing. Not being the dimmest bulb in the
I can figure it out..
I'm getting over it, but the difficult part is that I miss him terribly as
a friend. I haven't spoken to him in almost a month, and it's killing me.
So, my questions are thus:
Is "I love you," a code for "You'll never see me again?"
Is "I need closure," a code for "so I can date my neighbor?"
And what can I do to be friends with this man again? The smart money would
say, "Burn his phone number," but I miss him. We have a ton of mutual friends
and WILL inevitably run into each other frequently.
I feel like I've been hit in the chest with a large, flat rock. I've had
more intimate and long term relationships which I've not felt THIS kind of
about. I can't eat, sleep, or work. On the plus side, I'm losing a LOT of
since all I can seem to do is go to the gym and work out.
What's a girl to do?
I'm sorry, but that's a code we're just not gonna
to crack. IMPORTANT BREAKUP GIRL MAXIM: People ending marriages do not speak
any sort of meaningful, consistent language to the person they're seeing while
they're doing it.
So let's listen instead to the smart money, which is
actually asking: "What's missing from your life -- not to mention your
conscience -- that would lead you to pine so over a cheater and a poacher?
to be one?"
Of course you are sad -- feelings are feelings,
of how they got there -- and I don't mean to be mean. Plus I'm worried about
the eat/sleep/work part, not to mention all your "tango" terminology.
You might not be the dimmest bulb in the closet, but let me suggest this: next
time, instead of going to the gym (to quote SARK),
"shine a flashlight into your dark corners" and see what's really
there. Now call a friend and go eat.
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