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October 4, 1999   CONTINUED e-mail e-mail to a friend in need


Dear Breakup Girl,

I have just entered my first ever real relationship with a girl (this is somewhat sad as I am eighteen years of age), but in any case, hooray for me. We have gone on several dates, but I seem to be encountering difficulties (shocking no?); this girl doesn't give me any body language clues as to when she wants to initiate physical contact, so I'm always the one going out on a limb, just making guesses as to what she wants. Verbally, she seems quite interested in the relationship and in physical contact (no, I don't mean sex). In any case, is there something wrong here? She NEVER gives off umm...inviting body language. I must always be the one to initiate kissing, and she sometimes won't even kiss goodnight. Is there something I'm doing wrong here? I'm personally not a fan of mind games, but I'm wondering if she is now playing with me. Is she trying to tell me that I am a bad kisser or too aggressive or too passive (yes, I am almost completely clueless)? Trust me when I say I have not "pushed" things; I'm just wondering as to what exactly is going on and if I am completely missing something (this would not be new for me).

--Dazed as Alwayz

Dear Dazed,

First of all, that's not sad. Second, you're not doing anything wrong. I mean, it is hard for people to talk about what they like and don't like physically -- especially after only a few dates -- so body language is the default. Without that, who knows? She could have some notion that girls shouldn't put out, or some an "I don't kiss with tongue until 2.5 months" schedule in her head; she could simply be shy, she could think she's sending out plenty of signals, anything. So as far as language is concerned, I'd switch to English. Don't make a huge deal -- it might not be one in the first place -- but just ask: "Hey, this kissing stuff: a good thing?" Just check in. And try not to worry. I think you might be psyching yourself out a bit. No one, not even El Duderino, always knows exactly what's going on.

Breakup Girl



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