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Dear Breakup Girl,

I was recently dumped by my fiance of four years because he suddenly "had feelings for someone else." He met somebody and dated her for five months before "she" finally decided to call me at 3:00AM one morning to spill the beans about the their whole relationship. I was devastated and moved out of our apartment immediately. I found this great roommate who has been keeping me busy attending weekly social events. The problem is that even though I tell everyone that everything is OK, it really isn't. I feel like crying everytime I think about the betrayal and how he replaced me with someone new. I feel like such a failure. I still talk to him once in a while because we have bills that we are both responsible for, and I can't afford to make a the payments on my paycheck alone. I know he is still seeing her, and I think he is asking her to move in with him now that he got a new apartment (which happens to be 5 minutes from my job!). It's driving me crazy! I don't want to get back together with him because I know he would just cheat again, but why can't I move on with my life?

I crank called that stupid girl (who knew all about our engagement) and pretended to be some other girl that was sleeping with him. I feel like I want revenge or something to reach closure on this situation, but I don't know what to do. He tells me to just get on with my life and not to think about him anymore, but it's not that easy. I feel worse because I question if he ever loved me at all. What can I do to get on with my life? The worst part is that now he thinks I am some basketcase who is overly emotional and unstable. Help! I am so depressed; why can't I get over it?

PS: Dating hasn't helped me either.

--Bella

Ciao, Bella,

He loved you.

He was just really, really bad at leaving you.

Which, I know, makes it harder to be good at moving on.

First of all, Bella, revenge -- especially as closure-causer -- does not work. Au contraire: it prolongs the pain. I understand the tarnished rule at work here -- that you're dying to dis unto others as they have dissed unto you -- but where does that get you? "Even?" With a scoundrel? To what end? The best revenge, Bella, is to be a better person. Above it.

Now. How do you get beyond it? Well, the reason why you haven't moved on is that it is not time yet. He "suddenly" (as if) had "feelings;" he "recently" (how?) took back the ring. You moved out "immediately" (good call); you've made friends, tried to keep busy (good call II). Other than the crank call (which, though not allowed, is forgivable by reason of breakup insanity), you've done everything right -- except one thing: not doing anything. First sit, then move. Bear the pain before you grin. You have not failed; you have simply hurried.

So cut off contact (after setting up some sort of regular payment plan that won't require checking in). Drive a different way to work. Don't try not to think about him; it's the same as thinking about him. And consider what "over it" really is: it doesn't mean you never think of this guy, or that it doesn't sting when you do. It means that there's an itty bitty piece of him stuck to your back, in that place you can't reach. Yeah, he's still there somewhere. But he's on your back, not in your way. Here's hoping that suddenly, you'll have feelings for you.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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