To Tired of it in SF from Former Threesome Member:
Congratulations on your threesome working out ...as you can tell by
my signature, mine didn't. I had the same situation with reversed genders. Most
likely, your friend's right that she can't talk to anyone (make that anyone
conventional) about it, and they do NOT understand. At least, not without them
automatically flipping out from their own jealousy and having it color their
responses, which usually leads to "You must be monogamous, good riddance!" type
talk that she doesn't want to hear.
Good for you for being there for her when others, well, don't cut the mustard.
As for three months: well, she did get hurt by two people who are presumably
still together (right?), and she isn't with them. This is something that happened
with my threesome: boyfriend and co-girlfriend hadn't been getting along well
for a few months, and he dumped her. Naturally, she couldn't bear the thought
of me still being together with him (until he decided that I wasn't right for
him, sigh), and I didn't hear from her until he dumped me as well. To this day
(I'm attempting friendship with the both of them), she doesn't want to hear
about him at all. And your friend doesn't even have someone who's been there
to sympathize with. Knowing people she loves are still together (when she isn't
with them) is probably driving her nuts.
As for hiding your situation because of things like this happening: Don't bother.
Seeing how many people wanted to try out my situation after hearing it (an emphatic
NONE), I don't think that's a huge risk you need to worry about. Though "freaking
out the normals" was a fun one to deal with, too. The one good thing about being
dumped from this is that I no longer have to explain the situation, and no,
I'm really not jealous, and my boyfriend is NOT evil, and no, I'm not jealous,
and no, I really don't burn for monogamy deep down and am just putting up with
this, and no, I'm not jealous...
You get the picture. But that one's up to you. I wish you luck. And thank you,
BG, for not automatically making judgments such as the ones I mentioned above.
To Morgan from Terminally Single Guy:
BG's words are dead-on, and as an addendum, I want to say that Morgan, you
certainly describe yourself as a wonderful person. Realize that some people
cannot recognize or appreciate a good person, and you can't let those people
mess with you. This guy obviously is unable to appreciate having someone like
you in his life, so let him go chase after his next mommy to take care of while
you seek out a guy who can actually appreciate a person who isn't needy. Point
being: you know you are a good person, but not everyone else will be
able to learn that. (As an aside, BG, I still read every week, even though you
haven't heard from me lately. You do a great job, keep it up. If only every
girl out there would follow your sage advice, I might not be terminally single.)
BG responds: Or if every girl/guy out there would choose pseudonym-prophecies
they actually want themselves to fulfill. ;)
To Forever Aggressive from Sandra:
Man, I am so you. Because I've been pretty much trapped in a "man's
world" (pure sciences), I've sorta had to learn to be aggressive and assertive
for anyone to take me seriously. Result? I'm competitive, combative, aggressive,
So far, I've dated the really nice (easily dominated) and really stupid (as
competitive as I, but want to stomp on me) guys. Either way, these guys all
want the same thing: for me to be assertive and extroverted, while, at the same
time, a cute decoration for parties. Eventually, they move on to someone who's
easier to deal with, and I'm stuck feeling like a novelty act.
That was until the last guy I dated made me feel much better. Sure, in the
end we broke up, but for unrelated reasons (incompatible values regarding marriage).
This guy thought it was super-duper that I was assertive. He envied the fact
that I could stand up for what I wanted and make myself heard. He loved the
fact that I would ask for the bill when the waiter was being lazy and would
demand proper service. But he still understood that there were days where I'd
bawl like a baby because some jerk had put me down and that I'd get so stressed
out that I desperately needed chocolate and a hug. It was great! And the best
thing was that this guy made me realize that it's OK to be all strong and that
any guy who runs whining is just too weak to deal. And, frankly, if you have
to walk on eggshells for someone and deny who you are to make them love you,
then it isn't really worth it.
Don't compromise who you are for a guy.
To Anna K. from JadeSpark:
I know exactly what you are going through. I am also 31 and have been alone
for the last four years. I know how tough it is, especially around the holidays.
However, the one thing that has kept me sane might be of help to you. Keep reminding
yourself that it is better to have no romantic relationship at all than be in
a romantic relationship that is making you unhappy. In the meantime, until you
soulmate turns up in your life, make yourself priority #1. Do things for yourself
that make you feel good and build up your self esteem. Start to pursue you own
interests in your spare time. Not for the purpose of "meeting someone,"
but for your own enjoyment. Build up a group of single female friends and have
some "girls nights out." Knowing you are not the only one in this situation
is a great comfort.
To Searching for Logic in an Illogical Man from
Listen to BG on this one! She is soooooooo RIGHT! I was in an extremely similar
situation with a coworker. All of his exes were loony-toons, coke addicts, and
other assorted Problem People. We had this steamy, great affair where he told
me how different I was from all the other girls, how I was the nicest, smartest,
etc ... until it all went wrong. He started treating me terribly and since then
has done a few utterly wacko things that (as BG put it) were total dealbreakers.
Meanwhile, I have been trying to figure out what went wrong and why he would
go back to his manic-depressive-but-refuses-to-take-her-medication ex after
someone like ME, but after reading BG's advice to you, I realized: Who cares?
There should be nothing after the metaphorical third paragraph (which is now
going to be my new love mantra -- I love "the third paragraph!")!
And BG, your advice on this one seriously kicked butt. You always give good
insight, but this is the best answer I've seen yet. "Searching for logic," search
no more. You will forever be remembered by him as the one normal person to grace
his life. He couldn't handle happiness, so he threw it away. Not your fault.
BG response: Thanks! Your third paragraph
And from Julie:
BG is sooooo right when she said that for him dating you was like checking
into rehab and that he couldn't deal with it. I've been there myself. Not quite
as bad -- no tests, etc. -- but I know exactly what it's like when someone tells
you that you are, in essence, "the best thing that ever happened to me" and
then disappears. Only in my case, it was "you make me want to be a better man."
Only the effort to be that better man was too hard. Or not deemed to be worth
the effort. Or a combination of the two. (OK, so I'm still a little bitter.
Happens when you get your heart broken.) Because that's what it's really about
-- the effort. It's not about YOU. It's about how hard it is for him to be a
decent, responsible human being. It's so much easier to just slip back into
the old miserable habits. Perhaps they take as much effort, but they're familiar
so perhaps it seems like less work. You (and I) are better off without them.
I know there's got to be someone out there who is as willing as I am, and as
you are, to be "kind, supportive, intelligent, decent, respectable, beautiful,
caring, [and] considerate." Hang in there.
And from Bibliophile (also to BG):
BG: First off, BRAVA for the manners column! I was seriously beginning
to wonder if I was the only one who was noticing that very few people have them
anymore. Anyway, in recent weeks, I have been the "victim" of bad manners. I
was at a friend's house, along with some other people, after bar hopping, and
he made a frozen pizza and proceeded to scarf it down in front of us. Didn't
ask us if we wanted a piece or anything! Also, I was with another friend who
had a bad habit of never saying goodbye to me; he'd just leave or hang up or
whatever the situation. This seriously got on my nerves. What gives with all
the bad manners around? I don't want a man who's going to hang all over me and
open my car door and wait on me hand and foot. Ick. I just want someone who
has a modicum of basic human courtesy, and that seems to be harder and harder
to find these days.
Searching, I know how you feel. I've been there with my own Wacko Meanie,
and I, too, wrote to BG about it. BG's advice is right on the money: you have
absolutely nothing to apologize for when it comes to this guy. I totally agree
with BG that his behavior has nothing to do with you. It took me a long time
to realize this with my own Wacko Meanie, and I spent time blaming myself for
the relationship not working out. It's hard to grasp how you can be all the
things your Wacko Meanie said you were -- kind, intelligent, beautiful, more
fun to be with than any girl he'd dated -- and then he doesn't want to be with
you anymore. He's pretty messed up, and you don't need that.
Thirdly, I wanted to update BG a little on my own Wacko Meanie situation, which
is now over. I've had time to think about things which should have tipped me
off about this guy. One of the things that helps solidify my resolve towards
him is that nobody I talked to who knew him liked him. That can't be
a good sign about someone's character. I was the only person who had anything
nice to say about him, and that has since deteriorated. Also, one of my friends
showed me The Power and Control Wheel, and I was flabbergasted that the relationship
I had with the weasel fit into several sections of the wheel. I was truly floored,
and it helped me to wake up a little bit to the fact that this wasn't a healthy
relationship. I don't know BG, I mention this because up until I saw the Power
and Control Wheel, I never would have thought I'd be susceptible to an "abusive"
relationship. But after seeing that and re alizing the components involved in
it, I see that I'm not as impervious as I had thought. I wonder how many other
women out there might be involved in something similar and don't know it. Thanks
for the great advice BG! You make Mondays bearable!
BG responds: Hey, thanks! But what's The Power
and Control Wheel? (Who invented it?)