Turning to goo on June 8, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve met the man of my dreams and I think he’s interested in me. He calls me a lot and is very aggressive in his flirtations. I, on the other hand, turn to pulp whenever he comes near me. I turn into a trembling mass of kiwi-lime Jell-O. My usual charsimatic, witty conversation becomes monosyllabic whimpers and I invariably wind up saying something inane enough to make him think I don’t like him, or worse — I insult him! How can I calm down around him? How do I knock his tight butt off the pedestal?

— Zsa Zsa

Dear Zsa Zsa,

Wow, he does sound like the man of your dreams. As in, those nightmares where you have to tell someone something really important (like, “The Truman Show: provocative and revolutionary, or self-referential and smug?” or “Help, I am being pursued by a killer whale on those new off-road inline skates!”) but all that comes out is gibberish. While some degree of giddy infatuated nonsense is normal — and endearing — past a certain point, you aren’t dealing with reality. Give him and your dreams a few more nights. You don’t want to lose that excited edge, but you shoud also be getting progressively more comfortable as dates go by. If not, it’s time to for you and your Rapid Eye Movement to look for someone with whom you’re truly in sync.

Love,
Breakup Girl