July 11, 2000
Glam Quest 2000 has begun in earnest, and our two teams from New York and Los Angeles have already brought in numerous sightings of stars doing mundane activities. Who practices yoga, bad acne and all? Which "90210" cast member is beginning to resemble Bigfoot? And who's been seen holding dog poop? Check out the Glam Quest page and catch up on all those unimportant things your favorite stars are doing right now! And later in this column, I judge some readers' star sightings, using the official Glam-Quest rules!
Britney Timberlake or Justin Spears?
Of course, even Glam Quest has not been enough to distract me from this week's really wacky scoop. In an announcement that comes from the furthest reaches of left field absurdity, Justin Timberlake, that Monchhichi-looking moppet from the hit boy band 'N Sync, proposed to his superstar sweetheart Britney Spears two weeks ago in New York over coffee, and the "Crazy" singer actually said yes! The two pop sensations, whose combined age (he's 19, she's 18) is still too young for Catherine Zeta-Jones, were apparently enjoying their favorite coffee beverages - we know Brit's a big caffeine whore, as she flies the stuff in from her favorite coffee shop while she's on tour - when Justin produced a ring (reportedly a $45,000 rock) from his pocket and promptly asked for Brit's well-manicured hand in wedlock. No date has been set, according to sources, as they frantically search for a date that does not clash with world tours, award shows, and mall appearances. Justy, last seen with Kathie Lee Gifford in the smash tele-film "Model Behavior," and Brit have actually known each other for quite some time, since their "salad days" on the Mickey Mouse Club in 1993. But only since '98, when these two pixies finally became platinum-selling artists boosting their self-esteem and confidence, have the two Jive Music cash cows been a romantic item. Skeptical? Gee, why be skeptical? Would it be because 1) they're way too young to be thinking of marriage, 2) they're both too rich and too busy to want betrothal, and/or 3) it sounds like the biggest, lamest publicity stunt in the history of teen-niche marketing? Those are good reasons, sure, but I'll give you another one: Brit does, in fact, want to get married, but not to her boyfriend Justin. Rather, she has another blondie in mind, one with a non-Floridian lineage, somebody who could turn this pop princess into a pop Princess. That's right, Brit herself revealed to the London Sun just last week that she would love to get married to Diana's sliver-of-a-son Prince William, and that she's sent him signed photographs in an effort to woo the runtish royal. (Look, in an era of "Who Wants To Marry A Multimillionaire?", I think sending headshots sounds like a relatively tame idea!) She even hoped he would attend one of her upcoming concerts in England. For her sake, here's hoping Willie isn't an Eminem fan instead!
So which is it, Brit: Justin or Willie? If she follows through with her latte-influenced promise to Justin, I suppose we can expect JC Chasez as best man, Keri Russell as maid of honor, Carson Daly as the minister, and 46 million guests at reception. Oh, and of course that faint, trembling scream in the background: the sound of civilization as we know it beginning its long, slow crumple into utter chaos!
My Love Is Whitney's Love
These future newlyweds will need a role model couple to make their relationship work. This model pair should also be pop stars with an ability to grow closer in tough times. How about Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston?! Why, they're perfect! In fact, Bobby was just released from Broward Country jail, where the "My Prerogative" songster was being holed up for accidentally violating probation on a drunken driving charge. Oops! Fortunately for the former New Edition star, he got a full week and a half off for good behavior and was met with a star-studded party outside the jail, which included pal Chris Rock, who led the throngs of fans in goodwill chants, and wife Whitney Houston, who waited in her cozy white limo until Bobby emerged from the building. Whitney then sprang from the luxury automobile and latched herself to Bobby in happiness, as a helicopter emerged from the clouds above, emblazoned with the phrase, "Free Bobby!"
I'm going to blame Whitney's anxiety about her husband's jail time (right!) as the reason for yet another wacky concert experience. Whitney fans in Atlantic City descended upon Caesar's Palace last week to hear the diva rip through her repertoire of hits, only to find a confused, disoriented woman who looked an awful lot like Whitney on stage, stopping in the middle of many of her hits and rendering only cover songs. Two lines into "I Wanna Dance With Somebody," she stopped and began singing "The Star-spangled Banner." After warbling a couple high notes in "I Will Always Love You," she stopped once again and began singing "American Pie." (My source opined with "She may have been completely out of it, but that sounded like a Madonna dig to me.") A couple days later, at an Independence Day house party for Cablevision czar Charles Dolan, Whitney was on key and on target again ... and then the sound system gave out after four songs. It's just not your year, is it, Whit?!
A woman has come between the Matt-and-Ben of the new millennium. That's right! George Clooney and Mark Wahlberg, the Abbot and Costello of action films whose filmographies have become joined at the hip, have somebody coming between them, namely Jordana Brewster, the very sexy starlet best known for her alien-nating performance in "The Faculty." Mark has officially proclaimed during "Perfect Storm" press junkets that Jordana is, in fact, his girlfriend. Very attractive pair, these two hotties, but where does that leave ol' George? Who's George hanging out with now that Matt's got a gal? Why, see below...
Glam-Quest For Beginners
Want to be a Glam-Quester one day but unsure whether or not you have the skills it takes to ferret out the celebs in your city? Well, send me your latest sightings, and I'll rate them using our unique scoring system, the very same that holds our Glam Quest teams in fierce competition!
Here are some examples of real star-sightings (all from the past week) from my regular troupe of spies and sources:
This one is a gold-mine for celeb sighters. On top of the 10,000 points for simply seeing the celebrity, this would also receive an Irony Multiplier times three, because Stevie, who can't see, is buying camcorders. On top of that, I would award 2,500 more points because I just happened to be listening to the Stevie Wonder box set as I type this very sentence! Total points: 32,500 -- excellent start
Mothers, girl friends, handlers, and bodyguards are not famous people in and of themselves, though it may get them free drinks at the bar or a cheesy date with a Britney fan. Thus, we can only give 10,000 points for this sighting. I might, however, award 1,000 bonus points if, in the Tapioca Room, they were actually eating tapioca. Total points: 10,000
As my reporter did not specify whether Cindy or Randy were "canoodling" or in any other manner "getting' jiggy with it," I cannot award the Nooky Multiplier, which doubles the points for amorous celebs. As they are a couple, however, the Group Multiplier can be given. Thus, 10,000 for individual sightings of Cindy and Randy, then times two because they're a "couple." Thus 40,000 points, plus 10,000 for George, who sat dateless. I would then award this sighting an additional 500 points because I just happened to be seeing "The Perfect Storm" at the very same time my spy reported this sighting. Total: 50,500!
And now for some readers' star sightings:
Seeing red-hot stars like Richards in a supermarket fondling cantaloupes or beanie-weanies or whatever is always a tad more surreal that a normal star sighting. 10,000 for the sighting, and an additional 2,000 if you tell me if she used paper or plastic...
For Jerry, you'd get 10,000 for the sighting and 5,000 additional points for that adorable daughter of yours brushing away the clouds of glamour to comment truthfully on Stiller's fame. Tyra's even greater: 10,000 for seeing the beauty, with an Irony Multiplier because this model is shopping in a mass-market, low-priced clothing outlet (fabulous or no, it's still cheap). Total points: 30,000
Again, we have another young tot laughing gaily into the face of pure fame! You'll get the Fellini Multiplier here, my pet, because it's a surreal day indeed to see the man who is Travis Bickle swapping baby talk with a diva toddler! 40,000 points for you.
If you've got any sightings to report, just drop me a line here at the G Spot, and we'll see how you score, love.
Until Justin goes back to the land of Monchhichi, to live in a treehouse with others of his kind,
Breakup Girl created by Lynn Harris & Chris Kalb