July 25, 2000
What do "Real People" child sensation Peter Billingsley, "Psycho" Vince Vaughn, and hottie Dermot Mulroney all have in common? No, they haven't all dated Jennifer Jason Leigh! No, they have not been chosen to play Spiderman! And, emphatically no, they are not all secretly married to David Geffen! You'll have to check out this week's Glam Quest 2000 competition for the answer. (If you've forgotten the rules, click here.) Of course, we've got a few choice celeb sightings in this column as well, not to mention a simply ridiculous 80s flashback that involves Pamela Anderson, the song "Cuts Like A Knife" (oh, but it feels so right!), and Boy George. Intrigued? Read on ...
Lies! Lies! Lies!
The British press corps, hardly as reliable as a Depends undergarment, have really pulled a fabrication out of its bubbling teapot this week. I previously reported the preposterous rumor that Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears have become engaged, a fiction started by the British press and one I saw through quite plainly (yet reported anyway because, really, who doesn't like to laugh at Justin and Britney? Why, they're patently absurd!). They also intimated last week in their sleazy little newsprints that Jim Carrey had proposed to his "Me, Myself & Irene" costar Renee Zellweger. I didn't even bother to echo that goofy report. I mean, who cares? But the latest assertion by the tabloids is really their most absurd, even if by all appearances it seems quite logical. According to them, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston -- a duo on the verge of matrimony for almost a year -- have finally decided to get hitched next weekend in Malibu. Apparently, 200 guests and family members were quietly invited this past week and will gather in the sandy-white opulence of a Malibu mansion to watch the "Fight Club" dude and his "Friends" hairstyle tie the knot. Now, as you readers know, I have a unique relationship to Bradley. (Two former Ozarkian-hicks-turned-cosmopolitan gadabouts, both struggling to find our place in the glamour stratosphere.) As you may even know, I refer to myself as the spiritual brother of Mr. Pitt. And I am telling you, Brad does not want to get married. He may eventually tie the knot in the very distant future to Jennifer or some other woman, but he's a bachelor, a non-family man, at heart. How thankful I was to hear that both Jenny and Brad's publicists have laughed off this latest rumor.
X Marks The Marriage
There is, however, one Hollywood cutie getting married. James Marsden, the clean-cut, square-jawed Cyclops from "The X-Men," has decided to marry his girlfriend of several years, Lisa Linde, best known for her work on "Days Of Our Lives." A new marquee star marrying a soap actress? How cute!
Don't you find it conveniently odd that all this gossip happens to sprout at or near the release of a film project starring the celebrities in question? Well, as James gets hitched, his on-screen lover, the delicious Famke Janssen, is excusing herself from matrimony. Famke is splitting from her screenwriter husband Tod Williams. Spies could have seen this coming two weeks ago on the way to the the "X-Men" premiere on Ellis Island, when the two were on the opposite sides of the boat. Thank goodness she didn't exhibit the telekinetic abilities she does in the film, or Tod would have been hurled into the Hudson!
Some quick notes about "X-Men" (which I thought was completely fabu):
1) Why is Anna Paquin dressed like Stevie Nicks the entire film?
Speaking of hideous wigs, Pamela Anderson may be free from the guitar strings of one Tommy Lee, but hopefully, she still has a softspot for cheesy musicians. Last year, Pammie met up with fellow Canadian Bryan Adams during a photo shoot that he was doing, capturing several north-of-America hotties, including Shania Twain, Neve Campbell and Linda Evangelista. (That's a nice way to meet women!) Earlier this year, the two happened to share Naomi Campbell's private jet during an international excursion to Germany to film a variety show. (They still have variety shows in Germany, darlings.) And Pam actually flew back with Bry to his home in London. Apparently, these people are only Canadian when convenient, eh? Anyway, Pammie's recently been shacking up with Markus Schenkenberg, but that doesn't meant that Bry isn't sending love messages "straight from the heart." The "Everything I Do (I Do It For You)" songster has openly told friends that he would love to "get together" with the "VIP" actress, even as they keep running into each other at parties and galas. Think Bry stands a chance at getting the red-hot flesh hourglass that is Pammie baby? Probably not, but here's rooting for you!
In other 80s icon news, I've also learned that Boy George blames the world of modeling for introducing his drug-free, cross-dressing ways to the somber joys of drug abuse. He told the BBC that he first became addicted to smack and other unseemly substances backstage at the runways shows in Paris. His quote: "A lot of models would take drugs to stay thin, and there was a lot of heroin about." No, really?! Clutch the pearls, I'm shocked!
Celebrity Quote Of The Week
"Anybody can [have sex] when they're famous. I [had sex] a lot when I was not famous, and that was something I was very proud of back then. Being a waiter with no money, not a lot of drugs, just a mattress on the floor, and still being able to pull chicks. That's when you separate the men from the boys."
-- Kevin Bacon, one half of the Bacon Brothers, on the romantic appeal of being a waiter. Gee, maybe they should change the name of his newest movie from "Hollow Man" to "Shallow Man"!!
Amateur GlamQuest 2000
Darlings, I know that many of you live in villages and on vast expanses of land where you may never run across a glamorous superstar in all of your natural lives. To you, oh readers in the heart of cracked-earth Arizona or frostbitten North Dakota (or even you international readers! Hello Reykjav├k! Hello Ibiza!), I realize that it may, in fact, seem hopeless. That's why we share our experiences with you, so that we can all share communally in the glow of glamour's blazing light. Even some of my more geographically blessed readers are chiming in with reports, to draw us together in a love of celebrity, style and fame!
Strangely, the very incident you describe happens on at least one street corner in New York City at least once a day! I'm not sure Miss October can accurately be described as a celebrity and, even if she were, she's technically "at work," thus you could not get any points for a star sighting. However, such a bizarre event deserves some such point value. That's a random bonus number of 1,127 times a Fellini Multiplier (4x). Total Points: 4,508.
I only remember John because he played the brother of Antonio Sabato Jr. on the popular prime-time soap and Heather Locklear's character Amanda had flings with both of them. In fact, I believe John's character had mob ties on the show, which would give this sighting an Irony Multiplier as well. Total points = 10,000 times an Irony Multiplier (3x), plus 500 bonus points for seeing a man who once dated Traci Lords pigging out on garlic knots. Total points: 30,500.
My god, you had more star sightings in one afternoon than our entire New York team had in a week! (Heh, heh, just kidding, Gawkers...) A note to the readers: I do double-check and verify when star-sightings are reported, and this one, as farfetched as it sounds, is tres legit! Kudos on having the guts to approach Ms. Clinton. Did you say you were Jewish? Total points for John Lithgow: 10,000.
As for Hillary, that's got to be 10,000 times a Conversation Multiplier (6x), plus 2,500 bonus points, plus 5,000 more bonus points because -- good lord! -- she's the First Lady! Total points: 67,500.
Until 1980s Canadian group Glass Tiger collectively makes a pass at Pamela,
Breakup Girl created by Lynn Harris & Chris Kalb