Tuesday, April 13, 1999
While the world rages with atrocities in Kosovo and bombings in southern Iraq, thank the holy diva that New York newspapers have their priorities straight. The other day, I'm having my morning martini as always and pretending to eat a grapefruit half when I pick up my NY Post to read -- in letters taller than a bottle of Sambuca, splashed across the cover -- "Brooke Shields and Andre Agassi Divorced." World issues, be damned!
Reasons behind the split have not been revealed at press time, though I doubt it involves ethnic cleansing or border disputes. Agassi's in Hong Kong trying to salvage his tennis career, damaged by marraige and bad hair choices. Shields, meanwhile -- in all seriousness -- must be in hysterics, what with this split plus the untimely passing of "Suddenly Susan" costar David Strickland. I raise my glass to the Jordache girl. Baby, take a vacation! Only one good thing could possibly come of all of this madness: cancellation!
Little Brown Boy
A spy at Brown University (thanks Kate!) sent me this sizzling tidbit regarding former Home Improvement teenthrob Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Seems he's still a little undecided about college -- he was seen being herded with other student wannabes during a campus tour! But fans of JTT (horrible nickname, can't we just call him Collagen Boy in reference to those Revlon-ready lips?) shouldn't bother transferring to be closer to their boy toy; apparently he pulled out a cell phone and called for a car to pick him up! Maybe he didn't like the dorm lunch plan! Rumors are aswirl on campus that the aging prepubescent pin-up actually slept on the floor at a freshman dorm. What, and rug-burn that baby-fresh skin? I'll believe that when I see it .. on my very own hardwood floors! (By the way, remember the JTT-is-gay rumours, stemming from the fact that he came out in an article in ... Out, which was later pulled? Urban legend or a conspiratorial sex-file? Somebody call Mulder, pronto!) [I will! -- BG]
Claire's Vibrators, Part Two
So, why was Claire Danes reading about vibrators at the New York Public Library? I've been informed that that Claire was on The Tonight Show the week before telling Jay Leno that she was doing a report on masturbation for class! Good lord, what kind of class would that be for, and wouldn't you love to be the professor who's grading it? "Thorough research, nice illustrations, loved you in Little Women, next time run spell check, what is multiple organza?, B+"
He's No Doug Henning
I had the unique pleasure this weekend to view magician David Blaine submerged under gallons of water wearing some very smart pajamas and a noticeably smug look. (Or was that terror?) I believe this Gen X magician (looks + sociopathy x Leonardo DiCaprio = one-hour ABC special!) has finally left his watery containment last night, which means I'll have no more opportunities to loot his house. Forget questions like how he ate or went to the bathroom. How did he spend one whole week without a publicist?
[BG can't resist -- Speaking of Mulder/magicians,
enjoy this tidbit from last Sunday's X-Files:
Affleck-ed (I know I've made that pun before. Shut up!)
I've spent my entire weekend inundated with news about Ben Affleck. No, Sandra Bullock says, I'm not sleeping with Ben! Then I have misinformed friends calling me to "let me in" on news of Pamela Anderson and Mr. Manchest. (Ben's a guy. Would a guy pass up an invitation from Pammie? Never, but they're not dating.) And of course there's news that Ben's actaully going to reteam with his infamous ex Gwyneth Paltrow in a new film called Bounce, directed by Don Roos from Opposite Of Sex, about a man (Ben) who gives up his seat for another man in a rush to see his wife (Gwendolina). The plane crashes -- obvo! -- and Ben finds the wife a year later and falls in love. No joke here, readers! That's an actual plot of a film! Anyway, all this Ben in my life has affected my sleep schedule. Why, just last night, after my usual nightcap of six white russians, I drifted on into an unusual dream ...
[swirly, watery dream effect]
I woke up, just every other morning, except that I rolled over and I was sleeping with Sandra Bullock! "You want more, tiger?" she cooed. I shrieked and locked myself in the bathroom. After that mess was straightened out (we were already divorced and just having "anger sex") I begin to get obsessed with Ben Affleck's surreal dating life, not leaving my house for years. I traced him through these peculiar relationships:
Sept.2000 -- Ben Affleck and Foxy Brown -- During an ill-conceived make-over as a Vanilla Ice-like homey, Ben begins dating seductive rapper Foxy Brown and hints very openly that their sex life "be bitchin'." Ben takes it too far and gets into a feud with some East Coast rappers, who kidnap Minnie Driver mistakenly thinking she's Ben's ex. Foxy gets jealous anyway, and Ben's single by 2001. (Minnie, by the way, becomes a rap sensation renamed Min D.)
March 2002 -- Ben Affleck and Susan Sarandon -- After being coupled by the press with all the women on "Charmed" and BOTH Olsen twins, Ben finds love with Susan, in midlife crisis and a trial separation with Tim Robbins, who's "cool with it." Hints of three-ways only intensify their popularity. Susan, however, breaks it off when she discovers Ben has no opinion about the dissolving political and financial structures of post-cold war Slavic nations.
Nov 2006 -- Ben Affleck and Leonardo DiCaprio -- In the mid-zeros, its very hip to come out, and Ben does so with a now-hefty Leonardo. "I've finally found love," Ben proclaims from the Oscar podium, picking up Best Supporting Actor for Good Will Hunting 2: You Could Have At Least Said Goodbye! Ben and Leo start a foundation for hungry, sober New York club kids, but have a spat over what brand of vodka to give to homeless shelters. They break up horribly; Leo cries to Barbara Walters.
Jan 2008 -- Ben Affleck and Monica Lewinsky -- Ben, after a six-month visit with Betty Ford, is back on top, dating multi-platinum recording artist Lewinsky. Shamelessly in love, the two move to Canada and have two children. Sadly, the press links Ben with Carrie Fisher, the little girl from the Pepsi commercials, and Owen from Party Of Five and Monica freaks and leaves.
April 2015 -- Ben Affleck and Red Buttons -- "I don't know how it happened," Ben says of his relationship with the 106-year-old vaudevillian. "Sometimes you open a door, and there's love!" Ben directs Red to an Oscar. He dies two days later in Ben's embrace.
Dec 2020 -- Ben Affleck and Ben Affleck -- After being linked in the press with every member of the Spice Girls, Menudo and the Supreme Court, Ben makes the announcement we've been waiting for: he's in love with himself and plans to have a pagan wedding ceremony to complete the union. Meant-to-be material."Sometimes you open another door, and love's still there!" he proclaims, holding his hand and hinting at the possibility of children. (It's 2020. The possibility is there.)
In the dream, I've gotten to this point when Ben Affleck knocks on my door and says, "I'm love! Let me in!" In a panic, I run to the kitchen and slip on Collagen Boy, fast asleep on the tile (smooth!), and I hit my head....
[swirly, watery dream effect]
I awake and reach for a snifter. "Ooh, will you pour me one too?" said Sandra from her side of the bed. Nooo!
[swirly, watery dream effect]
I awake and vow never to buy Kahlua at Target again!
[swirly, watery reality effect]
Next week, readers, I will not even utter the words Ben or Affleck.
Until I figure out how to really say "Basinger," I am
Breakup Girl created by Lynn Harris & Chris Kalb