Tuesday, July 13, 1999
Babies, babies, babies! I can't get enough of 'em! Whether crying up a terror on the subway or crying up a terror in the supermarket, babies are everywhere. You'd think they were breeding themselves! Seems the sparkling strata of stardom agrees, too, as a few celebs have decided that an infant is the ultimate accessory. And indeed, what goes with Armani better than a pungent mini-human? Emma Thompson has announced her pregnancy with her usually splendid drollness, dryly reminding us that the father -- Greg Wise, her costar from "Sense And Sensibility" -- is practically a baby himself! God, I wish I were in Emma Thompson's womb right now. What a fabulous, Academy-Award winning birth chamber that would be! And: say hello to the newest Gerber baby, also known as Presley Walker Gerber, the spawn of the bemoled beauty Cindy Crawford and husband Rande Gerber. Like any new mother is want to do, Crawford has instantly released pictures of the infant to the press, to stave off sleazy illegal photog who'd prefer to nest outside the nursery window for a peek. Fortunately, 'tis not an ugly tot, she.
And from the world of make-believe and imagination, Crawford's ex-husband Richard Gere has decided that he's also going to have a baby with wife Carey Lowell. Ha ha ha! That's hysterical! The baby is bwaaa-haaa-haaa supposedly due heh heh sometime next HA HA HA! year. Richie, will you be converting your former West Village leather-daddy apartment into a nursery? Have you decided how you're going to impregnate her? You can't just slap her belly and shout "Poof, you're pregnant!" You have to have sex, Richie, breeder sex. Ask Carey, she'll know what that means.
Speaking of bogus sex acts, I cannot wait to see "Eyes Wide Shut"! I'm sure it will rank up there with Stanley Kubrick's other masterpieces like "2001" and "The Shining," despite its starring Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. Now, I don't harbor a dislike for these two actors, but I'd just as soon see my parents have sex. Rumors of a sex therapist used to arouse Tommy and Nicky notwithstanding, Kubrick did catch the duo in some scandalous scenes, including an orgy that will have to be "computer altered" in order to make an R rating! The "alternations" will include computer images of other bodies blocking engorged sexual organs and will NOT, as I've heard murmured, be retailoring Tom's own top gun.
Other debunked myths: Tom and Alan Cumming DO NOT make out; Tom does not wear a dress (just as well); and Nicole does not shout "Why couldn't I have married a real man like RichardGere?!"
Anyway, Nicole proclaimed to a British magazine recently that she's always felt she's "too tall" for her hubbie -- true, it's a mixed marriage: Amazon and Oompa Loompa -- and wouldn't mind having bigger breasts, though she'll never have a boob job done. Keep this in mind readers ten years from now, when Nicky's accepting another award and her dress fits her in a new and interesting way.
She Shoots, She Scores
Other than babies, the hottest homo sapien to own right now is a soccer player, thanks to Posh Spice's recent acquisition,. David Beckham, and the success of the U.S. women's soccer team. And who's sassy enough to achieve this latest goal but supermodel-on-the-wane Linda Evangelista, who's already honeymooning in St. Martin with her French World Cup winner Fabien Barthez, never mind that they haven't tied the knot yet. They're getting their honeymoon out of the way first, due to busy schedules. And, like so many model marriages, if they don't make it past the honeymoon, well, they haven't invested too much energy, have they?
Rampant rumors on the impending nuptials between Julia Roberts and Benjamin Bratt are being squelched by the hirsute beauty's PR people. Seems Star Magazine -- o most reliable of all journalistic endeavors, swear to God and Mary Hart -- heard the duo were scouting out a Napa Valley vineyard for the ceremony, and Ms. Leggy has already been throwing on gowns for the event. I'm a little skeptical because she seemed absolutely destroyed by her divorce from Lyle Lovett. I used to see that girl moping around my old neighborhood in a funk! And besides, why jump on the milk truck when daddy's been bringin' it home for free? Maybe they'll wait until Roberts' "Runaway Bride" co-star Richard Gere has heh his ha ha ha BABY! Bwaa-haa-haa!
Swinging On A Star In The Big Apple
You can always rely on the Big Apple for a good, old fashioned reality check. There's celebrities on every corner here, and most of them aren't even for sale! Here's this week's sampling:
While scouring SoHo for a clothing shop where I didn't have to mortgage my house for an ascot, I stumbled into Jay Mohr ("Go," "Jerry Maguire," sighted Breakup Girl in various seedy comedy clubs of yesteryear) looking very dapper in a full-piece suit, hair slicked and buttoned to the gills. I politely gave him that "I know who you are but I'm cool enough not to say a word" stare, and he returned a "Thank you for noticing me and walking past without an embarrassing scene" glare. (Also known as the Glance of Fabulous Desperation.) This is quite different from the look people give me, that gaze of "I know who you are and don't say a word to me or I'll scream, I mean it, I'll SCREAM."
A spy was eagerly sweeping through the streets of East Village when he ran into Tracey Ullman coming out of a dry cleaner, hands full of plastic-covered gowns. The spy gave her that "I know who you are..." look and Tracey ran right back inside the dry cleaners! Honey, get a backbone! (She's in town filming Woody Allen's new movie with Rupert Everett, so she must be horribly on edge.) Fortunately for the disappointed young spy, he stood there for a second longer .. and along came comedian Margaret Cho, dressed gorgeously in platforms while walking her little dog, who gave my spy the look of "I've got a star walking me. What's your excuse for being a bitch?"
A befuddled party-goer recently relayed a kooky tale from a few months ago involving Oscar nominee and BG alma-hottie Edward Norton, a tale so tasty I just had to double-dip. Seems the teller of this story had been instructed to make a variety of snack dips for a party on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, which she sealed dutifully in two large plastic Tupperware containers. She held them in her lap in the cab to the apartment, and when she arrived at the building, she shuffled to the door to leave. Well, waiting to get into the cab when she got out was none other than Eddie, who smiled as she exited the vehicle. So shaken at seeing Mr. Norton, my informant accidentally dropped one of the Tupperwares of dip ... right at his feet. "Uh, sorry," he muttered awkwardly. The dip was left sprawled on the tony sidewalk, the star took his cab, and our friend had a fab story to tell at the party! Eddie, baby, that's not the first snack disaster you've caused! One look at those baby blues, and I almost choked on a handful of extra-sized Fritos! Wear some sunglasses, baby, you're a weapon.
Did you know Joseph Fiennes had a twin brother? (Ladies and gentlemen, your shameless sex fantasy of the week!) Well, seems he not the only star with a doppelganger, and we're not talking those Olsen monkey twins, or BG and Tonya Harding (that's a story for another daiquiri) neither. A very astute spy (himself a bit of a New York celeb) noted seeing "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" star Nicholas Brandon (that's Xander to you Buff-ers) (and "squeeeeeeeeal!!" to you BGs) walking around midtown with another guy. Obviously intrigued, our spy followed Nicky into a newsstand and promptly approached him as to his identity. "Are you Nicholas Brandon?" Silently, he pointed to the other guy, standing at the counter, and said "No, but my brother is." And, indeed, there was the more popular of the once-conjoined xygotes, looking smashing in a red derby. My spy claims that they couldn't have been nicer, talking about the heat and David Boreanaz (who gives me heat and humidity) (and who BG long ago named Time Out New York's hottest B-list -- yes, it was that long ago -- hunk!) before scooting away to the Righa Royal Hotel.
You can always look to Meryl Streep for a snappy exchange and she gave one unfortunate photographer just that last week outside a showing of the Broadway show "The Weir." The slaphappy paparazzo was busily clicking up images of the actress, her daughter and companion Jill Clayburgh when Mount Streep erupted. "That's enough!" she said, rushing past and very accidentally stepping on the photog's foot. We're sure she apologized.
Until Richard Gere gets me pregnant,
Breakup Girl created by Lynn Harris & Chris Kalb