November 24, 2000
NO, THANK YOU! Here at breakupgirl.net, we say every day should be Valentine's Day. Like, in a good way. I mean, what, we show love on February 14 and then say, "OK! I'm good!" for the rest of the year?! Same, we think, should go for, well, yesterday. Even as the effects of the tryptophan wear off, we really should continue to express our gratitude: for the food in the microwave, for the fact that our situation truly isn't as heinous as that Predicament of the Week, for the people we really can, in the midst of all the stuff we rant to BG about, count on. Okay?
MAD BG: BEYOND THUNDERBOLT? You could pay and wait on line for the Cyclone...or you could get free thrills and chills just standing still at the Thunderbolt, Coney Island's other roller coaster. Yep, the one with the rattling house underneath (really!) in which Woody Allen grew up (Not really! In Annie Hall). Crumbling, condemned, weed-strangled, the Thunderbolt's skeleton was about as Scooby Doo as it gets. The real-life villain: the big bad city, who last week razed the relic even before the kids had a chance to meddle. Boo! Is nothing scary sacred? May it coast in peace.
"SPONGEWORTHY:" THE SECOND DATE. As reported here, New Jersey's Allendale Pharmaceuticals plans to bring back the Today Sponge, thereby reexpanding women's contraceptive options and narrowing their capacity to distinguish among potential partners. FDA reapproval is expected shortly. Wanna hear about Today...tomorrow? Join BirthControl.com's "Spongeworthy Watch" for regular e-mail updates, and be safe in the knowledge that no matter what, you're safer than Elaine, whose boyfriend would definitely have seen the e-mail, a misunderstanding would have ensued, etc., etc., etc.
FINDING: A HOBBY. So you've got this cool Global Positioning gadget that can tell you stuff like your airplane is up really, really, high and your parents' house is right around the corner. But wait, there's more! The latest international craze for outdoorsy geeks -- be still, my heart -- is geocaching: using the GPS to track down goodies stashed by other geocachers. (Very "Blair Witch II: Electronic Boogaloo.") If this sounds like your canteen of tea, check it out: you might find Someone just by...looking.
NO MORE BEAVER JOKES. A spokesperson for Beaver College announced this week that the small women's college outside of Philadelphia, PA will be renamed Arcadia University come summer. Research conducted by the college proved that the name was a turnoff to prospective students, and the constant flow of jokes and derogatory comments only cramped the learning environment more. No news yet from University of South Carolina president John Palms about the possibility of a mascot change for the GameCocks. [ --Friday]
FROM O-TOWN TO HO-DOWN. ABC's boy-band petrie dish "Making the Band" was a guilty pleasure this summer for millions (possibly billions) of fans, including Team BG. For those of you who were as baffled as we were when heartthrob/breaker Paul Martin mysteriously left before they made the cut from eight to five... well, let's just say it was all for love... of his new band! Meet "Marshall Dyllon," country music's answer to the "five-boys-dancing" phenomenon. (Kind of a Horsebackstreet Boys.) Not only is Paul joined by his brother Michael and three other ruggedly chiseled young bucks, but in the new video "Live It Up" he actually table dances for zaftig Svengali Lou Pearlman, gussied up here like a 19th century dandy, complete with bowler hat and pinstripe suit. Scantily clad cowgirls dutifully pant, swoon, and line-dance to show their approval of Paul's barely buttoned shirt. A jiggly camera helps disguise the fact that these boys don't dance in unison (brilliant!), but prefer instead to mug and kick up dust with their boots. Apparently, the Pearlman machine is fully behind this rancho deluxe, and "MD" is going to be the next big thing. (So what do we make of the earnest conversation between Lou and Paul in Episode Eight, where Paul ambiguously bows out and Lou nobly lets him go? Was it even real? Would Lou manipulate his young charges -- and us, his audience -- to advance his own business interests? Nah! It's gotta be a coincidence!) Get ready. Here comes (the orthographically challenged) Marshall Dyllon. [ --Colin]
Breakup Girl created by Lynn Harris & Chris Kalb