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March 5, 1999

JAY RAMRAS. Alaska Man is back. The restaurateur who conducted a public search  -- chronicled in weekly updates in New York Magazine and a high-profile cameo here -- for a nice Jewish wife who wouldn't have cold feet about moving back to his Fairbanks home ... is single again, having lost the gal he'd thought he'd found. Interested parties can call him, for real, at 970-452-8907. Yes, Breakup Mom, I know "they have the Internet" in Alaska.

PAT BUCHANAN. He's back, too. Wasn't he the one who said that "Feminism encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians?" Well, who says we can't have it all?

"THE LOVE THAT DARE NOT SAY 'EH-OH.'" Paul Rudnick's salacious yet laugh-out-loud-at-the-nail-salon article in this week's New Yorker about Tinky Winky as "hero" and, the writer can only hope, "life partner.'

ALL IN THE WRIST. Cynthia Rowley -- BG's fave -- has these adorable new satin wrist pouches with room for cash, lipstick, and a contact case. Meaning that you can dance purse-free and be prepared for an impromptu stay-over without looking like you "packed a bag." Of course, BG would carry around a cinder block if Cynthia Rowley made it. (122 Wooster Street, NYC. 212-334-1144.)

MENUDO II. When 12-year-old BG sighed, "Ricky Martin is forever!" nobody listened.

THE TALK. Speaking of listening to kids: a national survey conducted by the nonpartisan Kaiser Foundation and Children Now, a majority of parents report that they've discussed drugs, violence, and sex with their kids by age 12. Still, a companion survey of kids (ages 10-15) reveals that kids want to know more -- not just how babies are made, but also how they aren't. (And also how not to contract AIDS and other STDs.) Once kids hit 13, they report, "Mom" is their 5th most-used info source. Number 3: the Internet. Uh oh. See, the survey also says that kids yearn for more emotional guidance: not just the 411, but the whys and wherefores of sex, peer pressure, and other relationship issues. And a superhero can do only so much.

ANNIE GET YOUR MOM. It's open audition season in Chicago, Orlando, LA and New York for ABC's Wonderful World of Disney production of "Annie," set to air in November. I'm mentioning this because I'm (a) wondering which circle of hell these kiddle-calls took place in, (b) only 2 inches above the height requirement and dying to go, and (c) noticing the contrast raised by the last three items: You have to get that when BG was "orphan"-age, the toughest questions she was compelled to ask were like, "Breakup Mommy, what's 'A Hard-Knock Life?'"

OKAY, TELL YOUR KIDS THIS. Researchers at USC report that, well, sperm -- mixed with a foam pre-inserted by the gal -- is the perfect ferry for experimental "intercourse-delivered" STD vaccines.

INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY TREK. Do I have my finger on the phasar or what? Remember a few weeks ago when I mentioned one of BG's fave books, The Joy of Trek: How to Enhance Your Relationship With a Star Trek Fan? Now, the NY Observer reports married author/mensch Sam Ramer for a zillion bucks for some sort of copyright fair use blah blah blah. They can't even sell the book right now. Write to your Amazon representative! Free Sam Ramer!

LIKE A HOLE IN THE HEAD New in paperback; by Jen Banbury. Jill -- LA's crabbiest used-bookstore madam -- gets herself into a pickle by selling the wrong book to the wrong guy; a chillingly courteous giant named the Joke Man instructs her her to get it back ...or else. She then wisecracks her way through a series of events including kidnapping, hijacking, and the most terrifying villains of all: child-actor has-beens. New Yorkers will enjoy this flavor of self-referential irony that Angelenos (except, of course, Jen Banbury) miss completely -- so go hear Jen (who, you/Gregoire didn't hear it from me, is married to one of the writers responsible for the "Friends" renaissance/Monica & Chandler thing) read at the Astor Place Barnes & Noble, Tuesday November 9, 7:30 PM.

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