Kissing 101:
Tactful Tips for Lustful Lips
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The Hall of Horrors: When Kisses Go Wrong

We now turn to the perils most of us are all too familiar with. While tastes may vary, there are certain parameters that the International Court of Justice in The Hague should set regarding what is and what is not acceptable kissing. In descending order of horribleness, are the most dreaded offenses:

1) Excessive drool. Really, what is worse that expecting some pressure of the flesh and instead getting covered with slime like Bill Murray in Ghostbusters? No one likes to be slobbered over. This is practically a felony.

2) Gratuitous pawing. Just because someone is willing to see what you're like to kiss does not mean you have an open invitation to maul him or her. "Handsiness" ranks up there with the worst of the turnoffs.

3) Suffocation. This may seem obvious, but it is actually news to some that a kiss should not deprive another of the ability to breathe. Tongues should tease, not gag. Lighten up, cowboy.

Emily Post Rears her Well-Coiffed Head

While I stand by my unabashedly Pro-Kiss stance -- gather ye kisses while ye may, and all that -- I must add some caveats regarding the where and when. Just as talking on a cell phone in crowded places is unspeakably rude because no one can escape (not that I have strong feelings on the subject), so it is with kissing. Have fun, but use your discretion so as not to make others die of jealousy or embarrassment. The public peck is fine, but here are a few key places NOT practice your most passionate kisses:

--On or waiting for public transportation.
--In front of authority figures such as parents, health care professionals, landlords, etc.
--While operating heavy machinery.
--While operating light machinery.
--Funerals (but wakes are on a case-by-case basis).
--On the catwalk at the sewage treatment plant.
--In the Oval Office.

As for the appropriate time for kissing, it's hard to say. Each city, age group, and substratum of society seems to have its own rules. Since I've already recommended kissing a stranger in a bar, it may seem hypocritical to backpedal and discourage kissing on a first date. But I do think that if you're actually dating someone with a view to a potential relationship, a little delayed gratification -- say, waiting till the second dinner and a movie (or whatever you kids do) -- can make it all the sweeter. Also, you may have figured out by that time that this person is, actually, repulsive, in which case waiting saves you the icky memory of having sucked face with a slimeball.

Hot For Teacher

More important, even, than knowing how to kiss "right," or having the good luck to find someone who does, is mastering the art of tactful instruction.

There may be no appropriate way to tell someone you hardly know (and don't intend to know better) that you don't like how they're kissing you. When you move on from the bandit encounter to relationship smooching (or at least pre-relationship lip music), you have every right -- and owe it to yourself -- to get yourself kissed right.

The good news is, unlike genius in so many other areas, IT CAN BE TAUGHT. What's the best way to go about it? In your sweetest, sexiest voice, say to labial lab partner: "Hey, can I show you something?" Then, slowly and carefully, kiss that fella/gal in EXACTLY THE WAY YOU LIKE TO BE KISSED.

Once he/she has recovered from your presumably fabulous smack, whisper conspiratorially: "That is my favorite way to kiss and be kissed. Howdja like it?" Information has been conveyed. Feelings have not been hurt. Mission, nine times out of ten, accomplished. And eagerness to "practice" will ensue. For, as we all know, practice makes perfect!

Kiss Off

Be they sweet or sweaty, kisses must be one of the great inspirations of humankind. Be sure to enjoy them often, and enjoy them well. Just steer clear of anyone who ordered the fish special, at least for tonight.

Jillian Perlberger will stop giving advice when she runs out of topics in which she considers herself an unparalleled expert, which means never. Her most recent column gave you the ABC's of going back to school.