Falling backward on June 29, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend and I broke up about three months ago, his choice, not mine. After the obligatory period of avoiding each other (while he hooked up with somebody else and I pined away for him), we’re finally becoming friends again. Now, he and and his new girlfriend are having problems, and he’s turning to me to both advise and comfort him with that and other issues. I consider myself mostly over him, but I know that it would take very little from him for me to fall head over heels–again. I know that some part of me is hoping that his aim is to hook up with me again, but I also know I’m only causing myself future trouble by allowing that thought at all. But the way he’s acting around me does seem to indicate some kind of more-than-friends interest. To complicate things further, we’re both going off to college in the fall. So do I allow myself to have dreams of a summer fling (the current girlfriend won’t be around much longer), or do I firmly squash them? It’s unlikely that I’ll find someone else this summer, so it’s not like I’d be putting my life on hold for him. What do I do?

— Wary and Wondering

Dear Wary,

No way should should he be turning to you for advice on your successor. Taaaa-cky, no fair. Forget the fix; you need to chill with your real friends before you go away. I am thus going to echo you and use a word that summer’s zealous overplanters and their neighbors usually wind up with way too much of:

SQUASH.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Coming home on June 22, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I dated this guy for a year and a half, and for months he has not been speaking to me, I finally blew him off in a letter (no other way when I’m at school, he’s never home, and of course won’t call me back), saying that I never wanted to hear from him again, not that I ever thought I would. Well, someone had to cut the cord.

All well and good, right? Well, it’s summer, and I’m dreading coming home (I’m going to summer school here partly to avoid him — but I’ll be home half the summer anyway) because I know I’ll run into him (we live in one of those towns where you run into everyone eventually). My mother just told me that she’d run into him a few days ago (he looked embarrassed — he should).

(more…)

Mixed feelings on July 6, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

This is part of the letter that you printed from Jolene:

“If I am supposed to move on and am not, then does that mean that this love that I have falled into is meant to be?”

I was wondering what you thought of that concept: specifically, if one party of a breakup (the boy) is exremely upset, and think it’s a big mistake, and the other party (me, the girl) has mixed feelings, does this mean that it’s meant to be, and my breaking up with him was a mistake? I am seeing someone else now (it’s been a year and a half, if you can believe it) whom I love. All goes well until my ex-boyfriend calls, or writes, and then I get really thrown for a loop. I start having difficulty enjoying my new relationship, and feel guilty about being happy when he is still so unhappy and lost. I wish more than anything that he wasn’t so sad. I broke up with him because of the things he didn’t do, even though I told him those things were important to me. Things like living in the same city, his visiting me more often, being more enthusiastic about going out and doing things. I really believe that those things would change if I went back to him now, but I am already seeing someone else, and the fact of the matter is, why oh why did it have to take my breaking up with him for him to be so overcome with love, commitment, a newfound desire for children, etc.? I love him, but broke up with him because of what he did (or didn’t do, more accurately). Anyhow, all of this is to ask you your opinion, and sage counsel on when or how you can know when things are “meant to be.”

— Kyrsten

Answer after the jump!

Dancing as fast as she can on June 8, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I broke up with my boyfriend two months ago but he still likes me. A lot! Now his friend likes me also and my ex asked me to the prom but I would feel funny going with him so now I am going with his friend instead. I’m mad at my ex — he follows me around — but I don’t want to hurt him; I only want to be friends. Should I feel guilty about going to the prom with his friend even though he asked me first?

— Sandra

Dear Sandra,

You have hereby demonstrated the one major exception to Breakup Girl’s yes-means-yes rule when it comes to accepting prom dates. Normally, it’s No Backsies. But when your ex asks you — given how weird and changeable all these feelings and situations can be — BG will cut you some slack for saying yes in the chill of the moment and then reneging. Still, you do have to make sure you’ve been straight and up front with your ex about the date-switch sitch. Especially ’cause you’re going with his friend. In an ideal world you’d be going to prom with, oh, Jared Leto, as opposed to your ex’s friend; but Breakup Girl realizes that, especially in smaller schools, some of these overlapping circles are unavoidable. Anyway, make sure your ex realizes that you’re not doing this to be mean; you’re really sorry, but you just realized that you really wouldn’t feel comfortable … which wouldn’t make you the most fun date in prom history, yada yada yada. And neither will feeling guilty. So yeah, you can have both a good time and a good heart.

Love,
Breakup Girl

The ex returns on June 22, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I don’t know where to start. I started seeing this guy last fall. We liked the same things, and had fun when we went out. Things were good. Everyone at work saw us as a couple … and we were!! Okay, I knew there was an EX-GIRLFRIEND — and that he was still in contact with her. (I just did not know that they were in C-O-N-T-A-C-T.) Anyway, he brought her to our work the other day — like it was nothing. Like we had not been seeing each other since last October. They were holding hands and looking like the normal couple. I was crushed! He basically said, “We are back together” — nothing else!

I know that he is in the wrong, but why do I feel like it was my fault? My fault for not seeing any kind of sign. My fault for believing this guy was for real. My fault for falling for such an idiot. I know that it is not, but it sure feels like it.

How do I begin to repair this? My self-esteem, my pride, my dignity? How do I recognize the signs of a jerk before something like this happens? I just wish people had some sort of tattoo or something on them, so you could see whom they were right for, and therefore stop wasting time with STUPID people!! I need a Loser 12-Step Program. I need to stop the madness.

— Whatever

BG’s response after the jump!

Strategizing on April 20, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My ex-boyfriend and I broke up about a couple of months ago. I still like him a lot, but he is in love with my best friend and some other girl. The thing with the two girls he likes is that they are complete phonies around guys (and they wear pretty tight clothes). If it is so wrong to change yourself around guys, then why does he like them? Also, how could I get him to like me (oh, and I already got the “be yourself” advice, so can you add something besides that)?

–Penelope

(more…)

The engagement is off on April 20, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I broke up with my fiance, whom I had been with for seven years, via letter last November. (Via letter because doing it face-to-face or by phone would have resulted in one of our world-famous knockdown dragout screaming battles… anyway, that’s not the issue.) After the breakup we sent letters back & forth for several months, each of which was progressively more hostile. He was mad at me and I had this sort of righteous indignation thing going on.

(more…)

Negotiating the peace on April 20, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I happened upon your site the morning after my girlfriend dumped me. Your advice columns (and seeing that “I’m not the only one”) have really helped me through this. I hadn’t been in any kind of romantic relationship for four or five years before this one, and I was pretty broken up about the whole thing. But now I can almost sit back a little and think about it. One of the things my ex said in her “can I talk to you” talk was that (of course) “its not you, its me”, and “we can still be friends.” Not having had this work for me at all in the past (the friend-afterwards part) I don’t know how to try and make it work. I’d really like to be friends (and not just friendly, as a coworker mentioned most of his “let’s be friends” relationships went), but I just don’t know how to make that work.

I think my ex has done a lot to help the process, by listening to me a couple of times I’ve wanted to talk/vent, and by being very understanding of my need to talk with her at times. The result is that I don’t despise or hate her, like I have with other exes, and from what I can gather and what I feel, this is a good start to some sort of “friend”-based relationship.

So is there any thing I can do to help facilitate this friend (re)building process? I know that I’m not completely “over her” yet, and I don’t want to seem like I’m too attached. I think she may have already moved on to someone new, and I don’t want
to get in the way. So how do I go about making sure she knows that I am (will be) available for a friend, but not give her the wrong idea, or affect her current relationship (if any)?

— Chris

(more…)

Eternal questions from April 20, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Staying friends: mature or masochistic? My ex wants very much for us to be friends, and I’m a little torn over it. I can’t imagine not seeing or speaking to him. It would be like cutting off a limb. But I’m finding myself still hanging on his calls and e-mails. If I don’t hear from him for a week I get upset. Some of my friends think I should just take a breather from him, but I really want to stay in touch, and I have lots of friends who have nice Jerry/Elaine things with their exes. The other thing is that he left me to go back to his previous girlfriend, who he’s still with. So right now, I don’t think there’s much chance of us getting back together, much as I might dream. I also know that it always takes me a while to get over people whether I see them or not. Do you think I’m torturing myself unnecessarily?

— Lilygirl

Dear Lilygirl,

Yep. What you are pursuing right now is not friendship, it’s I Can’t Believe He’s Not My Boyfriend. Of course you can’t imagine not seeing or speaking to him right now; I mean, he was your boyfriend — I imagine you’d gotten kinda used to seeing and speaking to him. But listen, we have to be really careful about what “friends” means after a breakup … and about the best way to get there. Advice for everyone:

(more…)

I wasn’t going to say anything. I just wasn’t. ‘Cause, well, you know that thing about not having anything nice — that. Fortunately, the supercool Lizzie Skurnick has stepped in where I clammed up, offering this astute, not-even-not-nice takedown of one man’s ode to the one who got away. Not that odes are never in order, and his is nothing if not heartfelt. But, well — oh, just hurry up and get to the awesome.