Ringing out the old on January 5, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

After several weeks of dating, she called and said that I didn’t give her the “click” that she was looking for. At that time, she felt it would be better to end the relationship and say goodbye. Now, after three weeks, she calls me and asks me to a New Year’s outing. As I had no plans for the evening, I accepted. It’s her birthday on January 1 — do I get her anything?

— Dwight

(more…)

A naughty boy from January 5, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend and I had our six-month anniversary on Christmas and of course I got him a present, but he never got me one. He says he loves me and that he just has to go over and pick up the present, but it’s been a while since Christmas. He’s on house arrest right now so I understand that he can’t go out, but actually, he’s been out many times already. He says he loves me, but he could have at least gotten me a little something, right? What does that tell me about him?

— Cristina

Dear Cristina,

Among the excuses that Breakup Girl has heard for being late with a gift, being under house arrest is actually one of the most convincing. Then again, the 90s have brought us many ways to shop without ever leaving home: catalogs, QVC, online stores. Also, the invention of food has long allowed boyfriends under house arrest to prepare dinner in their own homes, however primitive, for their girlfriends. So I’m not saying this guy owes you some material item of some prescribed value. But he does owe you some gesture that indicates your value to him. In that sense, I’d say you need to find someone with a shopping list longer than his criminal record.

Love,
Breakup Girl

The presents of boyfriends past visit December 29, 1997…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend and I just broke up after a 3-year relationship. It was a mutual breakup because we just weren’t getting along like we used to. But we still have a tremendous amount of love for each other. This makes it especially difficult. He just gave me a brand new stereo for Christmas, after we broke up! He said he’s been wanting to get this for me for a while. But why would he do this after we broke up? We’re still “friends,” but I don’t want constant reminders of him around me. I’m still grieving the end of our relationship and need time to heal. But he keeps calling and now this huge present?!? Can you make sense of this?

— Amy

(more…)

A photo opportunity on December 29, 1997…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I really like this guy and I’ve asked him out before but he never answered. Other people have told him that he should go out with me but he never gave them an answer either. I am the only one of his friends who received a large picture of him for Christmas; everyone else got wallet-size. I feel all special — but I don’t really know how he feels and I don’t want to ask him out again because I don’t want to lose him as a friend. Please help!

— Nichole

Dear Nichole,

Breakup Girl is unfamiliar with — but intrigued by — this practice of giving photos of yourself as Christmas presents to people who are not your grandparents. I’ll trust you when you say that it’s possible to measure someone’s feelings for you in terms of surface area. But since he has not leapt at several obvious chances to go out with you, Breakup Girl wonders, gently, if the thousand or so words that that picture is speaking might go something like, “I know you like me but I really just think of you as a friend. I feel bad about that — and I do think you’re special — so I want to make it up to you and show you that by giving you a larger photo than everyone else.” See? So let him know you appreciate the photograph (don’t tell him it’s under your pillow), and focus on the friendship. If something more is meant to develop, it will.

Love,
Breakup Girl

According to PNC’s “Christmas Price Index” which tracks the cost of all the items from the “The Twelve Days Of Christmas” song, true love will cost you $86,609 this year, up almost 11 percent.

Golden rings, French hens and geese-a-laying are down, but maids-a-milking and swans-a-swimming are way up in cost. Lords, pipers, and drummers kept pace with inflation, only up 3 percent.

Venerable news organizations taking Christmas carols seriously: priceless.

(Source: the AP’s Dan Nephin, via AmericaBlog)

Need a last-minute wedding gift?

Here.

You’re welcome.

First we heard about ExBoyfriendJewelry.com. Now we hear, via the Boston Globe, that both online and off, sales of emotionally-tarnished gewgaws have actually created a mini “ex-boyfriend economy” unto itself. Helping fuel the reportedly “unprecedented assault on jewelry boxes and dresser drawers,” apparently, are the currently “record prices for precious metals.”

I have a box, not exactly FULLfull, but containing quite a few once-shiny little items from exes. What better way to underwrite the cost of that strappy little dress I have my eye on! (Then again, those wee baubles from “Roger” will go perfectly with it, so I’ll at least have to hang on to them…)

Via BG’s alter ego at Broadsheet:

What to do with that old engagement ring? You know, after you whip it at your lying, cheating ex-fiancé?

Keepsake? Yeah, right. EBay? So impersonal. Pirates? That’ll only do more damage.

Now, as today’s New York Times reports, there may be a more appealing option: an auction site called ExBoyfriendJewelry.com (tag line: “You don’t want it. He can’t have it back”).

At first glance, I cringed. After all, I consider most public expressions of us vs. him (or her) anti-ex bitterness to be inelegant, tacky, TMI. That said, I will also give a pass to just about anything with real humor and heart. And this site, I must admit (which is not hetero-only), has inspired some gems of poignant free verse.

The description for some Celtic knot earrings: “At some point, he began to take fabulous trips to Ireland. Without me.” For an engagement ring and wedding band: “Hey, Mom and Dad. Remember that time I got married really young?” (Her offer: “I can’t pay you back for the wedding, but I’ll split whatever I get for these with you.”) For an emerald ring, this novella: “It was 1989 on Long Island. Poison and Paula Abdul were battling for the top billboard spots. He was 19, drove a white honda crx and rocked skidz; I smoked marlboro lights and lied about my age of 14. We fell in love over whoppers and the run dmc that pumped out of his ridiculously large speakers. When he bought me this emerald and diamond ring from Sears, it was probably the single best thing that had ever happened to me. I wore it all up and down that high school with pride. But soon enough, it was time to trade my gold for silver as the 80s gave way to the 90s. I got into Nirvana and Ani DiFranco and it was clear that an ocean of Drakkar Noir lay between us.”

And, for some clip-on earrings: “Clip ons. Clip ons!”

There’s also an area of the site for “Gifts That Should Have Been Jewelry.”

I see just one pitfall, really: the perhaps inevitable description reading “I dumped him because he bought my engagement ring used from this site!”