not feeling the shift-key on july 13, 1998…

NOTE: BG is way too tired to go in and put in uppercase letters where they should be in the following letter.

dear breakup girl,

okay, i am not dumped. i am not suffering from low self-esteem or anything like that, or more honestly, i am not suffering any more than anyone else i know. my problem has to do with an impending dumping. well, not dumping, but an impending end to a relationship. i need help here. i met this guy about a month ago, and he’s really wonderful. not extremely god-like, but he treats me well and he has a heart of gold. he makes me laugh. i have all of the classic signs of really falling for this guy, you know, not eating and getting all giggly and stuff when he’s around as well as an insatiable urge to buy cutesy teddy- bears and sexy lingerie. sounds pretty good huh? well it isn’t. i’m moving across the country in about a month. this is truly the first guy i am beginning to trust since my last relationship… a relationship where i was abused, then terrorized and finally stalked. i feel like i am ready to open up to a guy again, and he is definitely worth it, but the fact that i am leaving so soon makes it hard. am i just kidding myself? am i really not ready and just using my leaving as an excuse for not opening up? if i am i am doing a horrible job of it. subconciously and unconciously (i talk in my sleep) i have shown this guy more of who i am than anyone else in quite some time. the question is: am i still on the rebound of a psycho stalker, and if not, what the hell am i supposed to do?! i am a firm disbeliever in long distance relationships. i know i should have fun, but sometimes that’s easier said than done where the heart is concerned. leaving hangs above me like a dagger.

— the nightingale

bg’s capitals-free response after the jump!

Into the Cheating Zone on July 20, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I don’t think I can resist cheating on my boyfriend. Tell me what you think.

It’s a long distance thing; we’ve been together, yet apart, for over a year. But there’s someone else here who I’ve known longer and longed for since before I was with my bf. Soon I’m going to move across country to go to grad school. My bf is going to quit his job and move to the town the school is in. The plan has been for us to live together with a view towards marriage. He wanted to get engaged before we move in together, but last winter I told him the marriage idea wasn’t working for me, that I had qualms, based, mostly, on my feeling that he’s a grumpy poop far too often for me to be with forever (it had nothing to do with the other guy). Other times things are nice. So the plan is to try living together first. But now I don’t know if I should.

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The IRL deal of July 6, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’d first like to know what you think of “long-distance” relationships… how often they work out, or if they should be avoided….and secondly, what you think of “long-distance Internet” relationships.

Let me explain my situation a little bit….

I got online a little over a year ago, and shortly after doing so, I met this really funny guy in a chat room that I enjoyed talking to. It didn’t take long for us to become really good friends. We talked alot over a period of about 5-6 months before we both realized that our feelings for each other were growing into the next stages after friendship. I started falling in love with him!! We had exchanged many, many photos of each other, and started talking on the telephone a bit. We talked very regularly and frequently for the next 6 months or so… making it known to the world of our love for each other through web pages, and silly stuff like that. He made me so happy! We were “cyber-engaged,” and most of the things like talking about having an “online wedding,” being engaged, and being together forever were HIS ideas!!! I really loved them, too…and the more he told people how much he loved me and wanted to be with me, the more in love I fell with him! After over a year of talking/chatting, and getting to know each others minds and souls, we agreed it should progress to the next step of actually meeting each other! The biggest problem was that he is on the western coast of the US, and I am on the eastern coast! But he finally got a plane ticket to come see me… and after having this ticket in his possesion for weeks, and only a month and a half away from the day we would meet, (on Valentine’s Day no less!!), he broke up with me!!! I am absolutely devastated, and am having a hard time dealing with what I feel.

His excuses were that:

1.)We are too far apart, and long distance relationships don’t work. He thought it was best to end it now before he hurt me anymore!

2.) I am ten years older than him, and have a child… which is nothing new, he knew that a year ago when we met!

3.) That he is just starting his life, and won’t be able to pay me the attention I deserve because he’ll be too busy…. and that wouldn’t be fair to me…

4.) That he thinks I’m a psychotic looney because I shared the fact that stress and my over active emotions make me sick to my stomach when I’m upset! He says that isn’t normal, and I must be psychotic! But the fact is, I don’t handle rejection very well, and I am a very emotional person. (Something else he’s known for the past year!!)

5.) I am too jealous, and he thinks I am “obsessed” with him and not in love with him.

The fact is I AM in love with him!! I don’t want to lose him because he thinks it “might not” work out in the future because we are so far away… he is young, scared, confused, and allowing outside influences to tear us apart. He could be throwing away the best thing to ever happen to both of us!! I really need some help and/or advice… He says it’s best it’s over, but I can’t let go!!! All I want is for us to be like we were, and for him to come see me in a month and a half! I at least want the opportunity, and the chance to see if the sparks fly like I have been dreaming they will!!

Can you help me?

— Reptile

Dear Reptile,

Oh, dear. I hate to run down the battery on your dreams, but — brace yourself — it just doesn’t sound to Breakup Girl like this is a happening thing. I am really, really, really sorry.

I am not saying that long distance relationships don’t work, nor that cyberrelationships don’t work. But let me try and put this situation in perspective:

People who have actually laid eyes on each other and spent time together have trouble mustering the chutzpah to make an actual commitment. Never mind having to make good on a promise that — though, yes, it was very real for you — technically existed only in the ether, not IRL. And you know, there are some things that do make sense/exist only out there in cyberworld; how long would Jennicam last if the idea was for people to actually look in her window? Also, the “outside influences” you dismiss as trivial are <gulp> real-life; in fact, they — distance, phase-of-life difference, etc. — are problems that non-cyber couples face. He got the willies when he realized that he was going to have to face them. And for whatever reason, he is not willing.

Also, on a totally different point, some of the things he said to you were not very nice.

Now, I’m not going to say anything dumbass, preachy, and too-late like, “You shouldn’t have fallen so hard in the first place.” You did, and I’m sure you felt feelings — finite though they may need be — that others have indeed only dreamt of. So go ahead and save — treasure — your emails and other cyber-keepsakes. If it hurts too much, hide them for a while. BUT. You should also, when you’re ready, take this as an opportunity to consider, for yourself, exactly what drove you to fall so hard, to make such earthbound plans with someone orbiting in cyberspace. I am not saying “Bad Girl, you messed up, now go think about what you did!” I am saying if you want a real-life partner that badly — no matter where you meet him — well, some reflection into this episode will give you useful insight into the next one. Which , ultimately, is not a bad use of all that bandwith.

Hang in there.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Moving … on, July 6, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I recently moved to Philly to be with my long distance boyfriend. We were “madly in love” and he was telling everyone (including me) he was ready to marry me. So I hopped in my car and moved out. All at once things changed–no big surprise–but he started pushing me away and “flexing his freedom muscles.” Eventually, the relationship could handle no more and so we broke it off. Now, almost two months later, he wants to be friends, but I am having a terrible time. I still love him dearly, but I am still hurt and I can’t stop second guessing myself. I want to move on, but I don’t want him completely out of my life–he’s just too special. How do I do this? Feel comfortable, relax and just be willing to have a good time with him on a platonic frienship level?

— Lorien

Dear Lorien,

Well, Philadelphia is the City of Brotherly Love. Which bodes better for the platonic part than the “madly” part. (Also, Conde Nast Traveler Magazine rated Philadelphia America’s FRIENDLIEST City. Uh oh. Word to the wise: try and relocate to places with slogans more like “…is for Lovers.”)

But look, if you’re not ready to hang out with him, you’re not ready. If it smarts too much now, then give yourself a little more time to keep your distance; it doesn’t mean he’ll always be “out of your life.” I mean, we’re friends with England again, but it took a while.

Speaking of which, did he really say “flexing his freedom muscles?” Euw. He may have taken the tour of Independence Hall one too many times.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Separation anxiety on July 6, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost four years, and we have a very close relationship. We have even talked about marriage. Now, he is seriously considering a job that would require him to be out of the state during the week. He would still be home on weekends, and hopes to eventually work from home several days during the week. He’s in a “golden handcuffs” situation with his current job; there’ll be a big financial payoff if he sticks around a few more years, but he’s dissatisfied with the job, and feels unrewarded. This new opportunity would pay a higher salary, but the long-term successof the company is questionable, and he’s heard many negative reports about the man who would be his boss.

Anyway, I want to be the supportive girlfriend, and I truly believe that if the new job is the better opportunity, he should take it, regardless of the “sure thing” he has with his current job. Happiness is worth more than money, I say. However, the thought of being apart all week does not make me very happy. I’m not saying that it couldn’t work, but when you’re used to seeing someone every day, it’s a bitter pill to swallow!

Worse than that, though, is his lack of concern over this issue.Throughout all of his deliberations over the job, he never mentioned our relationship. Finally, noting that I hadn’t had much to say on the issue, he asked me for my opinion. I said that although the job sounds good, I couldn’t believe that he hadn’t even considered the impact this would have on our relationship. Even a “Gee, I’ll really miss you — we’ll have to make up for it on the weekends!” would have been nice! His response was that he really didn’t believe that it would have an impact on the relationship. H E L L O? Is he simply more secure and well-adjusted than I am, or do you think that his career is so important to him that it doesn’t matter whether our relationship will suffer? He’s always talked as though family and friends were his top priorities (with me falling somewhere between those two categories…) but now I wonder if that is true. I’d really love to hear your input on this, because I doubt that either of us are being totally objective at this point.

— Kathleen

BG’s response after the jump!

Staying strong on July 6, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend lives in London and I live in LA. We met last summer and I spent all of September with him in LA and all of December with him in London. The separations are really hard on me. Really hard. I don’t want to go out with anyone else, but I feel really sad that he’s not here to share every single little thing with me and vice versa. What can I do to make myself feel better? I cry a lot and know that that doesn’t help the situation — it won’t make him be able to come out and visit any earlier. I know I have to be strong, but how do I do that? The relationship is stagnant, even though we talk and email almost every day. When I do see him, how do I make him feel that he can’t live on without me? How do I get him to talk about his feelings about me? It’s always stressful for both of us to talk about one of us leaving because we want to spend as much time together being happy and not sad? How do I alleviate some of the pain of not having him near me?

— Ina

Dear Ina,

One thing I haven’t said yet about LDRs is that some people actually do take to them sort of naturally. These folks like the built-in space and compartmentalization, the NOT having to negotiate daily life together.

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Although we do hear long-distance success stories, of course — the summer fling that lasted a lifetime, the professors with bi-coastal tenure, WOMAN WEDS ALIEN – it’s hard. And that’s the main — and not as obvious as it should be — thing you need to know about LDRs. They are hard. It does bear noting that the information age has made LDRs both easier and more difficult. Used to be you had to wait months for the steamship to deliver one letter, or fight with your siblings to get the horse for the weekend. Now, however, we’ve got the opposite problem: “Why didn’t you respond to my beep/email instantly?!” “If you loved me, you’d take the Concorde.”)

Anyway, the fact that LDRs are hard, like built-in hard, doesn’t mean there’s something wrong. People forget this. It’s like, “Dear Breakup Girl, my girl/boyfriend and I argue about phone bills, have trouble getting away to see each other because of work and expenses and feeling like we’re blowing off our other friends, and then when we do get together there’s all this quality- and quantity- pressure for it to be GREAT…are we fundamentally incompatible?!?!?!” Uh, not necessarily.

That’s the main thing. Other points on the map:

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The Predicament of the Week from April 20, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

You won’t believe this, but I was your Predicament of the Week about 2 weeks ago. Hopefully, I won’t be again, but I guess I’m well on my way. You may recall that I was the one with the long-distance boyfriend who took off on a holiday to Spain at the last minute, cancelling out on me OVER EMAIL (way tacky), and then apologizing for the “prevarication”. Anyway, even though I tried (I really did) to cut him loose like the necrotic tumerous tissue that he is, I just couldn’t help myself, and lo and behold, fell right back into that nasty spider’s web he calls his bed. I’ve just returned from yet another rendezvous at yet another European capital (and believe me I’m tired of all this jet-lag), where we spent an idyllic three days “catching up.”

Here’s the problem. I’m still married, although my husband and I have agreed to separate, especially since he found out about the entire affair and is really upset and broken-hearted since “HE” was his friend for over 10 years. Sh*t happens I know, and I feel really, really bad about it. I feel even worse that it was over The Prevaricator, since I know it was totally wrong and God’s going to punish me for doing such an awful thing to my husband. What’s done can’t be undone at this stage, and that’s another letter anyway.

Here’s my dilemma. Mr. Prevaricator insists that I’m his “best friend,” which I don’t doubt, since that’s how this whole thing started anyway. The problem is that he thinks that he and I can maintain a “casual” sexual relationship. He also says that he doesn’t want me to see other men, but that I shouldn’t think of him as a long term relationship, even though he doesn’t want to lose me as his best friend whenever it’s over (I guess he means the sex bit). He doesn’t know when that might be, but just knows it will have to end eventually. I think he’s finally lost it, since it doesn’t make any sense to be someone’s best friend and have a casual sexual affair with them. BG, isn’t that an oxymoron? I mean you can’t unknow somebody, then re-know them a few minutes later as your best friend.

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MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

This week Lynn answers a letter from Stumped in St. Louis, who feels his long distance relationship is in jeopardy because of his job loss.

I’m feelling very stressed and scared about telling her what happened because it is going to significantly impact our ability to see each other. … Do I put our relationship on hold and focus totally on finding a new job? Or should I suggest that we make that move we’ve been talking about so we can pool our resources and see what it’s like to finally be together?

Read the full letter at Happen, then come back to pitch in your two cents.

The Predicament of the Week from March 16, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve been having this long-distance love affair for the past three years with a man who was a close family friend, until we got involved. To make a long story short, I’m now separated from my husband, and my lover and I have been trying to work on moving our relationship forward. Here’s the problem. He was supposed to come visit me (we haven’t seen each other in four months, as he lives overseas), and he’d even set the dates that he’d be over. Supposedly, he wasn’t able to come out sooner due to “business.” So there I am waiting for his phone call giving me flight details, when I get this email from the son-of-a-bit…. that he’s gone on vacation for the week to Spain (?!) and that I would “really be helping him out” if I came over instead in two weeks time for the weekend. Oh, the clincher was his closing line — get this BG: “Sorry about the prevarication.” Like, now we need to use fancy words for Big Fat Liar?!

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