A friendly note from January 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,
I am stuck in this oh-so-popular position: I have a million guy friends that are guys, but “friend” is all I am to them. I have dated a thousand guys, but all of them break things off saying that they do not see me as a girlfriend. The girls often do not like me either, as I am their boyfriend’s best friend. What should I do? I wish I could find someone to be serious with, but no one wants to be serious with “one of the guys.” HELP!!!!!!!!!!
— Just a Friend

Dear Just a Friend,
SEE, EVERYBODY??? Breakup Girl will say it again: the “nice”/”friend” thing is not only a Guy curse. And I’ll say this again, too: Could be that you’re the kind of person for whom serious relationships start out as friendships. Trust that that’s the case, and the “serious” part will evolve when the time — and the match — is right.
Love,
Breakup Girl

Dealing with nice guys on January 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,
How do I tell a guy-friend that I’m not interested in him romantically without using that awful cliché, “I like you, but only as a friend.”? I know guys hate to hear that phrase.
— Katherine

Dear Katherine,
You are absolutely right. Say anything but. I mean, if you’re going to say that, heck, you might as well say, “You’ve always been sort of a Richard Simmons figure in my life.” This is one of the rare scenarios where Breakup Girl does advocate telling an itty bitty dignity-preserving white lie. Seriously. Tell him you’re not interested, tell him you’re interested in someone else, tell him you’re in love with The Lord … just do not use the word “friend.” (Or, for that matter, “nice.”) If you don’t believe me, read the next letter.
Love,
Breakup Girl

Today we present the original “loft-builder” letter from January 19, 1998, which inspired Paul The Intern’s origin as well as this classic animation!

Dear Breakup Girl,

The thing I fear most in life is “I just want to be friends.” Or “I don’t want to ruin our friendship with a relationship now.”

I have been trying to get to know these women in college. I did all the things a “nice guy” does. I helped move big stuff into their dorm rooms, set up computers and bed lofts, what have you. That’s how I am: When I like a woman, I try to help her out. Well…then I get to be her best friend. I’ve tried not to be a “nice guy,” but I just can’t. It’s instilled deep within me. So what can I do to not be the best-friend/older brother/father/confidant and be someone’s boyfriend?

— Broken Heart Bob

(more…)

Attractive Girls Union Refuses To Enter Into Talks With Mike Greenman

(BG, however, remains more than open to talks.)

You’ve got a friend on January 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,
For some reason, whenever I meet someone that I find cute and interesting, we always end up buddies when I would like more! How do I get past this and not feel rejected — and not lose a good friend?
— Everyone’s Buddy

Dear Everyone’s Buddy,
See, Jilted Guy?! This is the girl version of the Nice Guy thing — and yeah, it smarts. Wouldn’t it be nice, once in a while, to be intoxicatingly mysterious, to have men come up to you and say, “Friends, schmends, I must be your lover!” instead of “Hey, buddy, howaboutta game of horse?”

But try thinking of it this way: maybe there’s nothing wrong at all. Maybe, for some cosmic reason, you just happen to be the kind of person for whom serious relationships start out as — and develop most soundly from — friendship. If you trust that this will naturally evolve when it “should,” you’ll be playing a mean game of horse with your devoted hubby while Miss Tedious — I mean, Miss Terious — wishes she had more true friends.
Love,
Breakup Girl

And now a word from a BG VIP: It’s Broken Heart Bob, the original Loft-Builder!

When we first meet BHB, he asks, nicely, how he can be a nice guy without being The Nice Guy. The guy who women flock to… for help with odd jobs. You know, the guy whose shoulder women cry on…about other men.

Several months after that, he’s back, and he’s crushing on someone 11 years his senior — though at least, thankfully, not expressing his feelings by offering to drive her to the airport or move her piano.

Then: Another missive detailing a massive dating drought in which dry conditions also help set an old flame alight. Which would be hot except for the part where she’s married to a doofus. And now he’s got a tattoo: a tattoo of the earth on his shoulder. The world! On his shoulder! Oh, the weight! Oh, Broken Heart Bob!

And now! BHB writes from Africa! Turns out our man has joined the Peace Corps. In other words, he is building the world a loft, in a good way. Here is his latest missive, plus a bit of a pep talk from BG. (Note: This response from BG to long-time VIP/FOBG BHB is an extra-special VIP case. Please send your requests for advice to my alter-ego at AskLynn@match.com) Feel free to add your comments as well!

(more…)

And I don’t just mean they finish building the loft first. I mean that according to a Harvard study published in the new issue of the journal Nature, among 100 college students asked to play about 8000 rounds of game-theory-gasmic “prisoners’ dilemma,” using dimes, those who less often meted out “punishment” came out ahead. Those who “punished” the most wound up with the least money; to the the “co-operators” went the spoils.

This is impressive to me, given that having to play 8000 rounds of prisoner’s dilemma with only dimes at stake would make me want to punish someone. Of course, it was Yahoo, and not Harvard, who concluded from this data — despite the fact that study subjects were male and female — that “Nice Guys Finish First,” but hey. We like nice; thought you might like to know!

From the December 1, 1997 column…

Dear Breakup Girl,
Hey, I’m the guy that got the sledgehammer to the heart this time! What is it about them loving you, but not being in love with you and just wanting to be friends? I’m such a nice guy, you just don’t want to fall in love with me? What’s up with that?
— Jilted Guy

Dear Jilted Guy,
Ah, the Nice Guy thing. Definitely a fair question. There are two situations in which women employ the Nice Guy defense. One is used to explain why you don’t want to go out with someone in the first place. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you; on the contrary, it means she honestly likes you. But it does mean that for her, something about the two of you together fails to create that inexplicable combustion called chemistry. Women get the “nice” dis too, by the way. If you don’t believe me, just observe the Janeane Garofalo character in “The Truth About Cats and Dogs” (unless you’ve seen it already, which could explain why your ex called you “nice”).

(more…)