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January 14

Summer Revenge

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 10:10 am

Double dealing on May 25, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

This is kinda a horror story/survivor story. Last summer I was crushing on a guy friend so I sucked up my gut and told him. He e-mailed (how tacky) me back and took several pages to get across the meaning that he wasn’t interested. I then invoked the curse of e-mail breakups and sent it to all my friends with the subject heading “And I thought I liked this jerk!” Everyone (including him and I) swore to secrecy as no one wanted it all over our junior high. Then last fall I’m walking down the hall when some guy asks if I asked (we’ll call him Bob) Bob out over the summer. I later asked Bob if he told anyone, he swore up and down that he didn’t, and even suggested that my friends knew as well. So I asked the guy who’d asked me about it at school who had told him. His reply: “Bob, but don’t tell him because he’ll be really mad at me.” I told Bob that he lied to me. He e-mailed me back (again!) to say “Call it what you like.” So I dropped him like a bad habit and moved my attentions to someone more mature (and more likely to say things in person). He’s more cute, too. I’m having a blast flirting and not having to worry about having a boyfriend. Hence proving again that the good guys always (well, usually) win.

— Free From Lame E-Mailers

Dear Free,

Hmmm. I really do like the ending, but I must say that Bob’s email did not necessarily warrant the Curse. I mean, it may not have been what you wanted to hear, but it wasn’t a breakup. Also, I’m not sure how your e-forwarding move is consistent with your professed dedication to “secrecy” — like, how you can bust Bob for blabbing when you totally did yourself. Call it what you like, but I’d say it’s a big NO on number 1, above. Sorry.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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January 7

Revenge Lite

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 9:53 am

Seeking closure on May 25, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

Any good revenge suggestions? I have been in and out of a not-so-emotionally-fulfilling but really-good-sex relationship for a few (four!?!?) years, and although I always knew it wouldn’t develop into anything good, I went ahead and fell for the whole spiel of how much he loved me … blah blah blah . Well, I’m happy to say that I finally came to my senses after a long crying jag and have vowed to move on to better, healthier relationships, but it’s hard since this has been going on for so long, and I admittedly harbor some bitter feelings and would love to pull off some great final revenge to solidify my intentions of never having him in my life or on my doorstep again … so I was wondering if you had any good suggestions? Nothing too mean, just sneaky enough to be satisfying — maybe this should be a theme for one month, how to get revenge without being too vengeful. Thanx.

— Nicole

(more…)

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December 20

Revenge Anonymous

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 9:16 am

Doing unto others on May 25, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

I went out with this guy for a few days, then all of a sudden, he breaks up with me for this slut who just dumped her boyfriend. These two aren’t even going out and the worst part is that he told my best friend that I hated her and she didn’t talk to me for three days. I want to know, how I can get revenge while remaining anonymous?

— Miss Pissed

Dear Miss Pissed,

When Careers Day rolls around, don’t bother visiting the CIA booth. Given that it would come right on the heels of the incident(s) you describe, there is no covert operation you could run that wouldn’t have your fingers all over it. Plus, Breakup Girl is not at all convinced that these folks are worth it. That was a lame-ass, pointless move on his part — and frankly, it was even lamer for your so-called best friend to believe him without checking with you first. Revenge — especially given the elaborate effort it would take you to avoid suspicion — is so not worth it here. Your mission, and you should choose to accept it: quit calling other girls “sluts.” That doesn’t help.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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December 17

Revisiting revenge

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 6:57 am

Still stewing on May 25, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

Even though I’m wildly happy in my nine-month (and counting) relationship, I’d like to take revenge on the rat who preceeded the Man of My Dreams. We met on a work trip, did the Deed a couple of times, and he asked me not to tell our mutual friends. This was all fine ’til I had to listen to another of our mutual friends (10 years younger than me, blond, long legs, 20 years younger than him) tell me that she and he had been together since a few months ago and he’d asked her to keep quiet. Needless to say, I spilled the beans and we had a good girl-power afternoon comparing notes. Then he denied to her that he and I had ever been more than friends and they both froze me out. I’m probably better off without them but that kind of behavior cries out for teaching a lesson, don’t you think?
— Baffled

Dear Baffled,

With all due respect, I am going to say the same thing to you that Breakup Mom says to Breakup Dog when she (Dog) tries to eat a rotting squirrel:

“No. Drop it.”

Love,
Breakup Girl

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December 10

Back Atcha: The Question of Revenge

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 10:01 am

From Mesopotamia to Melrose, from Judah Maccabee to Judge Judy, the drive for revenge has been a primary force in human/Nielsen history. It is safe to say — though Breakup Girl’s college professors might have demanded some elaboration — that since the dawn of civilization, all wars (with the possible exception of the Cola Wars) have been fought on the basis of “No one does that to me and gets away with it!” or, put another way, “Nyah nyah!”

So, when you write to Breakup Girl and ask, “Hammurabi dumped me via tablet! How can I get revenge?” you are indeed participating in the grand course of earth-moving, life-changing, history-making human events.

Then again, you’ll notice that said course has not always been so grand. War is, like, bad. (When Breakup Girl wears her favorite Corcoran paratrooper boots, she is beingironic. Also see Double Standards.) And revenge is often, like, tacky. So BG is not going to Pentagon Paper any instructions for Oreo-ing cars or endorse any urban legends of vengeance like that one with the photos of the bride and the best man. This is not the Malcolm Ex (“by any means necessary”) school of revenge. If you want to do something truly dirty, hire Norm MacDonald, who, evidently, is not bitter. ) And that is why, when you ask the how-to-get Revenge question, my likely response is,”Well, actually, you can’t. Nyah nyah.”

Wait, come back. I’m going to explain. And I promise that the reward — if not the revenge — will be sweet.

(more…)

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December 7

F*ck queue

Filed under: pop culture,Treats — posted by Breakup Girl @ 11:14 am

Currently making the rounds: a thoroughly modern tale of revenge via Netflix. As Helena Popkin reports at MSNBC:

It takes a cuckold of true imagination, and at least a passing knowledge of the Netflix movie-suggesting algorithm to strike out in a subtle and personal way, it wins the (somewhat horrified) admiration of Web community Reddit, the primordial ooze of current Internet creativity.

“My girlfriend cheated on me, so I rated movies in her netflix account until I reached the desired result,” wrote Reddit user Contra3, who posted the…screen grab [at right] as evidence of his handiwork.

As you’ll see, a theme has emerged among the movies Netflix now thinks Girlfriend Non Grata will <3, such as The Scarlet Letter, Unfaithful, and, well, Whore. While BG generally objects to revenge (and, for that matter, to usingwhore” and “slut” as insults), I gotta say this one made me crack a smile. So now the bar’s set pretty high. Next time you contemplate revenge, ask yourself: is my scheme as clever/elegant/no-one-(else)-gets-hurt as Contra3’s? (And does it involve Bambi?)

More on revenge here!

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October 20

Ex-Span

Filed under: Treats,TV — posted by Breakup Girl @ 12:27 pm

Wow. C-Span hasn’t been this hard to watch/look away from since, well, you know. In case you missed it, via TPM Livewire:

The Daily Caller reports what they call the “wonkiest, nerdiest Internet revenge ever.” Allow us to add “social conservative-iest” to that list of adjectives.

Todd Seavey and Helen Rittelmeyer, contributors to “Proud To Be Right,” a collection of essays written by “voices of the next conservative generation” and edited by Jonah Goldberg, appeared at a panel promoting the book this weekend. They sat next to each other, and Seavey’s critique of Rittelmeyer’s political philosophy turned into Seavey basically calling Rittelmeyer a two-timing cheat.

“It might come as a surprise to some of you that we dated for two years,” Seavey said. “[Not because] we have ideological differences, but because there are probably some people in this room who also dated Helen during those two years, given how tumultuous it got.”

Rittelmeyer tries her best to keep her cool as Seavey just unloads on her. There’s not much else to really say about this, except that once you start watching, you’ll have a hard time looking away.

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June 7

Phone call from hell

Filed under: Treats — posted by Breakup Girl @ 8:19 am

As you know, BG is not a big fan of revenge. But this right here is some evil genius.

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September 1

(500) days of revenge

Filed under: Uncategorized — posted by Breakup Girl @ 12:18 pm

From Broadsheet:

Where would writers be without the people who’ve done them wrong? Without dysfunctional lovers, bad bosses and explosive partings of the ways, we wouldn’t have “You’re So Vain,” “The Devil Wears Prada,” “I Married a Communist,” Dr. Evil or “The Starter Wife,” to name but a few of a million examples. Nothing quite takes the sting out of heartache and humiliation like turning your tormentor into a thinly veiled antagonist. So it wasn’t surprising when Scott Neustadter, co-writer of the twee anti-romance hit “(500) Days of Summer,” fessed up this weekend in the U.K.’s Daily Mail that the movie’s titular heartbreaker was based on a real woman. The movie does, after all, start with the warning that “any resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidental. Especially you, Jenny Beckman. Bitch.” Not exactly the sort of thing people say when there are no hard feelings.

/snip/

But Neustadter admits that when the real Summer read his script, she told him she related to the Tom character, making her either acutely unself-aware or supremely adept at pushing his buttons. And if it’s the latter, Neustadter may wish to further consider this. Six years ago Lauren Weisberger turned her stint as an assistant at Vogue into a bestselling roman à clef that became a hit movie, an act of payback right up there with Nora Ephron’s scathing divorce saga “Heartburn.”

This weekend, however, Weisberger’s Devil herself, Anna Wintour, emerged as the sharp, tough-as-nails, and eminently fascinating hero of a critically acclaimed movie of her own, “The September Issue.” It might not be revenge, but it’s got to feel a little like vindication. So while Neustadter may be enjoying the box office fruit of his disastrous love affair, somewhere, Jenny Beckman may be quietly banging away on a screenplay called “Some Like It Scott.”

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February 13

“Mr. Wronged”

Filed under: Animation — posted by Abby @ 6:31 pm

Two guys wronged by the same woman try to make things right. But will Breakup Girl help them get even? You do the math.

This is the last in the series of five original 2-minute cartoons.

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