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August 7, 2000   CONTINUED e-mail e-mail to a friend in need


Predicament of the Week
In which Breakup Girl addresses the situation that has, this week, brought her the most (a) amusement, (b) relief that it is happening to someone else, and/or (c) proof that she could not possibly be making this stuff up.

Dear Breakup Girl,

Hey, I wrote before about being the "shy extrovert" and being outgoing, but not getting anywhere with ending this thing called "the single life." (By the way, improv humor does help, Paul!)

Your advice was great, but now I want to know how to deal in the meantime with being "the single one." First of all, I'm starting to get older: one of my exes is engaged. "April" has been one of my best friends since we broke up two years ago, and we go to each other for advice and a shoulder to cry on. She's engaged to another excellent friend of mine, "Bob." Bob and I have been a part of a very tight group of four friends since middle school. Bob and April are very much in love, and they are the greatest couple.

Out of these four friends, I've been the only single one for a good while. I am friends with all their girlfriends, too, so it's one big happy social circle...kinda.

"The Single One" is starting to become the group's label for me. One time, Bob was grilling brats, and somehow they all ended up on the grill in pairs except one. Bob said, "Look, they're all coupled except that one! That one's Chris. Chris, the lonely bratwurst."

Do I need to say that I've been hearing that for some time now? Ugh. Just to torture me further, the girls all pretend-flirt with me. "We love you, Chris!" is the constant shout from the car as they pull away.

Constant reminders everywhere. All three couples are PDA-ish and open about being couples and such. We're all good friends, so being open is good, but it's driving me up the wall. So here I am, trapped in a circle of people in love, and I'm suffocating in the middle. How can I get through this without killing the next person that compares me to a solitary sausage?

PS The nail in the coffin: I was told by my engaged ex that Bob's ex, while on a double date with me, April, and Bob, later said to her mother: "I can't go to prom with Bob! He and April are gonna end up married." First of all, she said this while April and I were dating. Second, APRIL is the one that feels she has to tell me this. Her excuse was it was just "such a spine-chilling story," but do I really need to hear yet ANOTHER reminder of my tepid social life? Gag. Breakup Girl, SAVE ME!

--Chris the Lonely Bratwurst

Dear Chris,

Aw, kiddo. Believe me, I'm sure there are as many people as there are Packers fans who feel your pain. Dear as your pals may be, I will grant you that -- as I told Desperately Single -- when friends become couples, the lobe of their brain that contains memory of what it's like to go solo may become inactive.

So here's what you do. Take Bob aside. Say: "I hate to sound like a prickly humorless pill, and nothing's gonna change our friendship. But. I would rather be boiled in beer than continue to be skewered for being single. I know you guys mean no harm, but I have to say it's gotten as old as I feel. Can you maybe... not? And spread the word to the others? Thank you."

Other than that, try not to rehash the spine-chillers; make sure you're not spending all your free time at the Taken Grill. Or at least tell those guys to put their mustard where their mouths are and bring single friends.

Breakup Girl

P.S. Different gender, similar predicament: Enuff Already, Libby, MB, Lonely But Not Pathetic, and Worn Out Girl.

Related Breakup Girl Animation
: "Desperately Single"

"My boyfriend thinks people in relationships don't need friends or 'help!' Help!"


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