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Predicament of the Week
In which Breakup Girl addresses the situation that has, this
week, brought her the most (a) amusement, (b) relief that it is happening to
someone else, and/or (c) proof that she could not possibly be making this stuff
Dear Breakup Girl,
Hey, I wrote before about
being the "shy extrovert" and being outgoing,
but not getting anywhere with ending this thing called "the single
life." (By the way, improv humor does help, Paul!)
Your advice was great, but now I want to know how to deal in the
meantime with being "the single one." First of all, I'm starting to
get older: one of my exes is engaged. "April" has been one of my best
friends since we broke up two years ago, and we go to each other for advice
and a shoulder to cry on. She's engaged to another excellent friend of mine,
"Bob." Bob and I have been a part of a very tight group of four friends
since middle school. Bob and April are very much in love, and they are the greatest
Out of these four friends, I've been the only single one for a
good while. I am friends with all their girlfriends, too, so it's one big happy
"The Single One" is starting to become the group's
label for me. One time, Bob was grilling brats, and somehow they all ended up
on the grill in pairs except one. Bob said, "Look, they're all coupled except
that one! That one's Chris. Chris, the lonely bratwurst."
Do I need to say that I've been hearing that for some time now?
Ugh. Just to torture me further, the girls all pretend-flirt with me. "We love
you, Chris!" is the constant shout from the car as they pull away.
Constant reminders everywhere. All three couples are PDA-ish
and open about being couples and such. We're all good friends, so being open
is good, but it's driving me up the wall. So here I am, trapped in a circle
of people in love, and I'm suffocating in the middle. How can I get through
this without killing the next person that compares me to a solitary sausage?
PS The nail in the coffin: I was told by my engaged ex that Bob's
ex, while on a double date with me, April, and Bob, later said to her mother:
"I can't go to prom with Bob! He and April are gonna end up married." First
of all, she said this while April and I were dating. Second, APRIL is the one
that feels she has to tell me this. Her excuse was it was just "such a spine-chilling
story," but do I really need to hear yet ANOTHER reminder of my tepid social
life? Gag. Breakup Girl, SAVE ME!
--Chris the Lonely Bratwurst
Aw, kiddo. Believe me, I'm sure there are
as many people as there are Packers fans who feel your pain. Dear as your pals
may be, I will grant you that -- as I told Desperately
Single -- when friends become couples, the lobe of their brain that contains
memory of what it's like to go solo may become inactive.
So here's what you do. Take Bob aside. Say:
"I hate to sound like a prickly humorless pill, and nothing's gonna change
our friendship. But. I would rather be boiled
in beer than continue to be skewered for being single. I know you guys mean
no harm, but I have to say it's gotten as old as I feel. Can you maybe... not?
And spread the word to the others? Thank you."
Other than that, try not to rehash the spine-chillers;
make sure you're not spending all your free time at the Taken Grill.
Or at least tell those guys to put their mustard where their mouths are and
bring single friends.
P.S. Different gender, similar predicament:
Enuff Already, Libby,
But Not Pathetic, and Worn Out Girl.
Related Breakup Girl Animation: "Desperately Single"
"My boyfriend thinks people in relationships don't need friends
or 'help!' Help!"