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Dear Breakup Girl,

I just found out that my husband of nine years has been using an old girlfriend's name in his important passwords for all of his (our) IRAs and other investments. These were all established after we got married.

I feel very hurt and heartbroken, like his heart is somewhere else. He doesn't know how I feel, but I don't know if I can forgive him for this. It has damaged our relationship and I really have no desire to even discuss it with him.

I don't even know what I am asking. I am very concerned about the damage to the marriage. I always assumed we would be married forever. I feel like reality has just set in, and it isn't pretty.

-- Jo

Dear Jo,

Okay, that's disconcerting. Sometimes it's nice to live in an little sci-fi world where your partner's past began the day you met. You at least hope that if s/he ever dated someone, s/he doesn't remember his/her name. And certainly that his/her name isn't something that your partner can count on remembering. Or use to make money.

Still, many questions remain unanswered. How did you find his password? Why now, after all this time? Why have you not had access to your, plural, finances for nine years? Was the password supposed to be a secret, or was it supposed to not bother you? Did you have some cause to snoop? Is it possible that "Jezebel" was also the name of his favorite childhood iguana? Is it possible that the reminder clue he's got stored with it is "heinous troll?"

Because Jo, I can see why and how hard this discovery would smart. But for it to be a beyond-discussion dealbreaker suggests to me that it landed in a field that was not exactly mine-free to begin with . So please don't just leave this issue to the PINs and needles of outrageous fortune. You need to get some data; you need to address the big picture. When it comes to communication, you need to open sesame.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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