< PREVIOUS LETTER
 

SHOUTOUTS

For Breakup Girl from Sadder and Wiser:

Kudos to you for your recent column on violence and abuse. You were right on target on a lot of issues I went through after an emotionally abusive marriage. Your take on why we stay in these ugly, hurtful things, however, was one I needed to read. Good stuff. Thank you.

For you all out there who wonder why your love hurts, take it from me:

When you say to yourself: "It's not so bad." YES, IT IS. Hey, that's not the point of a relationship. Don't look at your partner, look at yourself. If your relationship is not making you a better, stronger, more wonderful person -- the person you were meant to be -- it's not good enough.

When you say to yourself: "It will get better." NO, IT WON'T. IT WILL ONLY GET WORSE. Trust me. I waited for it to get better. Then, when I was miserable, unemployed, with no prospects, and living in a place I hated (to which I'd moved to be with Mr. X), he said, "I think I'm gay."

When you say to yourself: "It's better than being alone." NOT FOR A RED-HOT MINUTE. Everything in my life -- friends, housing, career, state of mind -- improved 1,000% the minute I left. And it continues to get better every day. No matter what you do and how you do it now, you'll do more and better when you stop carrying 100 plus pounds of abusive, dependent albatross around with you. Not only that, but most of your family and friends will support you all the way. They will love you in the right way -- they want to see you happy.

For CJanelleS from Tiyakay:

Maybe it's time to take a break from the quest for the Perfect Relationship, at least for now. The good guys will still be out there in a year or two (or even five), so your fear of "eternal spinsterhood" isn't likely to come true, especially at your age. Take some time to get to know and like yourself as a single woman. Spend your nights and weekends treating yourself or having fun with the kids, instead of worrying about your next date. Enjoy being a mom for its own sake, rather than putting all your energy into looking for someone who'll embrace the role of step-dad.

Good things tend to happen to us when we let them, and that's usually when we're feeling good enough about ourselves to open up to that happiness. By deliberately taking the time to be just CJanelleS, you might find yourself starting to attract the kind of man who can give you the kind of partnership you crave. Good luck.