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Dear Breakup Girl,

Hi BG, it's me, Looking for Sanity In All the Wrong Places. Things are a-okay with the friend and the boy that I left behind in the real world. Now I'm in a far-off land with yet another problem for you to help me fix, you lucky girl!

I just read your piece about each of us having a love story, and I sat here for a minute trying to figure out what mine is. Thus far (I'm in my late 20s), I haven't had much in the way of real relationships; just a bunch of hookups and maybe a month or two with a fella here and there. I guess everyone feels like this now and then, but it just seems like love is written in a language I never learned. Like I missed a few crucial days of junior high where they taught you how to flip your hair and ignore boys and thereby make them adore you. I just have a blast with them, make them laugh and laugh, then learn to voice their half-spoken thoughts and dreams so accurately that it spooks them. Usually by this time I have fallen in love with them, and then they tell me "If I thought I was good enough for you, I'd marry you in a second."

I've gone through this before, but never this intensely. I imagine part of it is simply being so far away from everything that feels like home; everything that I can count on to remind me of the wacky, awesome girl I want to be when I start feeling like I'm nothing but fat and incompetent. Usually my friends and my cat can all be counted on to remind me that I rule.

Don't get me wrong, this is not totally crippling me. But I'm feeling like my skin is about one millionth of a millimeter thick. Like anyone can make or break me with one glance, or one lack of a glance. And it's making me wiggy as hell. I guess the thin-skinned-ness is good for songwriting, but my heart about jumps out of my chest when I see a boy even look at me on the train, and at the same time I can't bear to glance back at them because the simple fact of them looking at me and then looking away feels like it's going to kill me.

I know that I need to try and be my own boyfriend (so to speak); to tell myself all the sweet things that I wish a boy would tell me. But the problem is, when I tell myself stuff like "You are beautiful and so smart and sweet and excellent, my darling," that other part of me (the part that cracks everyone up of course) doesn't buy it. The wisecracking part tells the nice part to shut up and stop watching Oprah for chrissakes; and forget about boys because they're all useless anyway.

And for me, so far, they pretty much have been. I guess from that has come is an inability to ever think a boy might say "yes" to me or, God forbid, even make the first move (don't think I'd even know how to act if that happened). And from that comes even more hopelessness, paranoia, and desperation. It's a vicious circle, and one I'm dying to break out of. I just wish I knew how. Any ideas?

-- Wrong Place No Matter Where I Am

Dear Wrong Place No Matter Where I Am,

Hey, well, wherever you are, at least you have Oprah.

Now let me make one thing perfectly clear: you did not miss any "crucial days of junior high." At least not the ones where they taught dating. If there were such a thing, I'd be using my diploma for something else because no one would need to write to me. As I told "Basket Case," the people with all the "experience" are also the people with all the "horror stories."

So. Let's see what our own Belleruth thinks about why your inner embassy is warning against travel to Boyfriend Country. She says: "It strikes me that you may be working too hard to impress guys with your amazingness. This is never a good idea. You may indeed be quite amazing, but Amazingness is never appealing. Neither with guys or girlfriends. It's like you're thinking -- starving/itinerant, pay-your-own-way, get-your-own-gigs artist that you are -- that you have to earn these people with your feats of fab. Whereas I would gently submit that what you may be doing, at least to some degree, is overwhelming them and making them tired and uncomfortable. Not bonding with them.

"Remember, a solid connection with a guy is about a relationship, not a showcase for your worthiness. So listen to those guys you crave. Leave space for them. Leave space for yourself. Quit performing. Be no less jaunty and badass, as BG might say, but still. Even if you're sojourning in Sydney, this ain't the Olympics. Stop knocking these prospects over and be yourself. Make a friend. Go from there."

And remember, Wrong Place, no one really knows what to do. The folks who look like they do have other stuff to hide. You may be amazing, but you're not that unique when it comes to being wiggy about this stuff. So you're right, it is nice to hear your inner partner whisper sweet nothings; it does, ideally, help insure that your confidence comes from within, as a prerequisite for the boyfriend confidence bonus. Sure. But if you think you sound like a dork, give that job to The Affirmatron; let the wisecracker take over and tell you to lighten -- or thicken -- up. And remember, lots of love is written in song, which is a language you do speak. Go write a tune called "Did I Miss That Day in Junior High?" and I bet they'll line up to meet you when you're performing, if you know what I mean. Keep me posted. And safe home.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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