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SHOUTOUTS

For Antonia from Hazeltyne:

You may or may not be aware of this, but there is a recognized, documented phenomenon called "reverse" or "reentry" culture shock, in which people who've lived abroad for some length of time often encounter difficulties they didn't expect upon returning to their home country and culture. Antonia, you may want to check out this article, or try a search for "culture shock" and/or "reentry" if you suspect your difficulties in readjusting to dating are related to/ part of a broader difficulty in readjusting after your time in the Czech Republic.

Also for Antonia from Juicy J.:

Girl! I understand and suffer too from "an inability to tolerate discomfort." I ran from the States to England for six months, intending to change it. Came back thinking I would be a "new person" but I still have a low tolerance for discomfort. Instead of changing, I learned that it's just part of who I am. For me, it's "life, with a side of shy." Belleruth nailed it when she said we interpret it two ways. I always assumed it was because I was "weird and different" and concluded that my (dating) life was hopeless. But hopeless is paralyzing, not motivating. (Besides being false, untrue, lies).

So invest in a little hope; let that motivate you. And search out people who live a little outside the box. I was gone only six months, and I still don't know much about Bill Gates or cell phones. Find some people who are a little more interesting to talk to! There are others out there who have lived abroad, and taught English, who've had experiences similar to yours. Find them and give them a chance. Who knows, maybe you will find someone to travel/teach with! That's what I am hoping for.

For BG from "Gloria Steinham:"

After your fabulous date with the movie star, why didn't you call him ? Maybe he just stuck his foot in his mouth when saying goodbye (Oops -- I meant to say I'll call you tomorrow, but now I sound like a dork), and then was too embarrassed to call.

Why not trust your instincts about how great the date was for both of you ? Why should a feminist superhero ever spend time (not) waiting by the phone when she can pick it up and decisively end her agony ? If you let gender roles constrict you, what hope is there for the rest of us?

BG Responds: Oh, I did. I followed my own "Prison Rule:" one phone call. (He...didn't.)

For BG from Sad but not Angry:

The guy I've been dating for three months broke up with me a couple of days ago and reading your column for hours each day has helped me to feel better (don't worry -- I don't plan to make a habit of obsessing on the breakups of others).

I guess the reason I'm writing is that this breakup could not have gone better. He wasn't interested in a long-term relationship with me and when it became apparent that I was falling for him big time he, ever so gently, let me down. He did everything right even down to the fact that he had the opportunity to have sex with me the night before he intended to break up, but he didn't (and his reasons for not breaking up that night were very valid and actually thoughtful). I would have felt used if he had. And he never once said he was looking for a long-term relationship. He didn't lie to me or mislead me in any way (which is important because it makes it difficult to feel angry and bitter which can be pretty destructive emotions). I started to argue with him but then figured: do I really want to argue sometime into staying with me? Definitely not!

So what's my point, you're wondering. It seems like people, especially guys, get a bum wrap when they break up with someone. But here was a guy who did it in the nicest way possible, and I think I took it in the nicest way possible (although it's been a struggle). It still hurts and I'm very sad to see him and his sons leave my life, but we're all going to survive it.

As I read your column (over and over), the same messages come through: respect yourself, respect your partner, and just be as nice as possible. It's always going to hurt (unless you're Meg Ryan and Greg Kinnear in "You've Got Mail" -- that breakup scene really bugged me!), but there are ways to make it easier. So my suggestion to everyone who's in the middle of a breakup is to read your column (for hours at a time if necessary) and just remember those three things...respect yourself, respect your partner, and be nice. It's going to hurt no matter what...but it doesn't have to be the end of the world.

P.S. I want to add that I know we only dated three months and it's much, much different to break up with someone you've dated for years (I've done that too), but rejection is rejection and loss is loss. It never feels good. So I think this is applicable to people who've been together any length of time.

BG Responds: Wow! Right on! Thank you. (We did not write this ourselves!)