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February 2, 1998   CONTINUED e-mail e-mail to a friend in need


Dear Breakup Girl,

I'm seeing a girl who has very sensitive feelings -- something I did not know about at the outset of the 'relationship.' It seemed that we were just seeing each other for the sake of not being lonely; there was no true love behind it. She was a virgin and I figured she was looking to change that with someone she felt close to. After we made love, she became very attracted to me, but she has told me twice that she's not in love with me. However, she seems latched on to me and awaits every one of my phone calls obsessively.

I must admit it was a selfish thing for me to do but I need your help. I want to tell her that it's best that we don't see each other but I don't know how because I know that she'll break down and cry (she's done it before). Basically, I don't want to break her heart because her family and friends consider me a good person and I don't want to change that! I want to do something now, before this situation becomes a mess! Thanks for your help.

-- Danny

Dear Danny,

Pay attention, I'm about to solve one of the mysteries of the female psyche. Ever hear of oxytocin? No, it's not the latest club-kid drug (nor zit medication)... but now that I think about it, it does make us behave oddly. Oxytocin is the hormone that women produce when we have sex -- and when we give birth and breast-feed. Paging Dr. Freud: it does seem that our carnal and maternal instincts are chemically linked. This information should shed some light on what Breakup Girl calls Scarf Syndrome: as a friend once put it: "I'll sleep with someone who's no big deal in my life, and the next day I find myself wondering if he's dressed warmly enough."

So if that still happens to women who've been around the block a few times, imagine the oxytocin explosion your first time!

This may help explain your galpal's I-don't-love-you-but-I'm-waiting-by-the-phone behavior; now, what to do about it? Look, there's no way she's not going to be bummed or hurt. The way you describe it, though, it seems like your primary concern is to save face with her peeps (and to avoid having to watch a woman cry). Frankly, the best way to do that is to kindly, gently, bail. Now.

Breakup Girl



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