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April 6, 1998   CONTINUED e-mail e-mail to a friend in need


Dear Breakup Girl,

Cindy and I lived together, off and on (due to the Military) for two and a half years. About six months ago I told her that I wanted to move out and live on my own. It wasn't because I didn't love her; I just felt like I was losing my own self. Well I went away for a month in October, and when I got back we finally broke up. The problem is that I still love her. She says that she loves me, but doesn't trust me. I understand this, and I also understand how much I hurt her. But I love her with all my heart and she's the only one for me. I try to make some excuse for either seeing her, or talking to her, every day. That's really not hard to do, since we have a dog together, and I guess we kind of share joint custody. She seems to get really annoyed with me some times, and when I ask her if she can see us having a future together again, she says she doesn't know. This is from someone who wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, and someday have kids. I don't want to be with anyone else, and I feel like I'm empty with out her. But am I fooling myself? Should I just give up and go on with my life? Or is there some hope for me? I know that I'm not perfect, and have some major flaws in my personality. But if you really love someone, shouldn't you be able to over look those flaws?

-- KC

Dear KC,

There are two major issues at play here:
1) Trust
2) Dogs.

First, the simple one: Trust. She says she doesn't trust you; ask her what it would take. I mean, no fair leaving you hanging. If she really means that she'd like to be with you, but trust is an issue, then figure out a way to work on it. Short, I guess, of moving back in to see if it happens again. But if it's really a flabby way of saying, "I'm really not interested anymore, but I do need help walking Millie," then you've got to cut your losses -- and give up your claim on the pooch. Contact with Cindy, and her furrier half, is not helping now, and it won't help then.

A few more notes about the problem of the Joint Pet. If the dog's name is the Navajo word for "the stray we took in on the first anniversary of a love that will last forever," Cindy will have to think fast. But remember, if she does retain full custody, you are spared all sorts of painful associations and ethical quandaries (if you walk it with someone else, is that cheating?).

And if you want a pet of your own, don't go right for Dog II. Assert your identity as a macho-single-guy / sensitive-90s-dad by purchasing and nurturing a Burmese python or Siamese fighting fish.When she hears, Cindy will (a) think you are really weird, and (b) think she is really weird for actually having jealous twinges of feeling "replaced."

Breakup Girl



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