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Dear Breakup Girl,
I have just spoken with my best friend, who is miserable and alone in
Marrakesh, where she is working. She's sad because her partner has not phoned
her for over a week -- he's uncontactably on a rock tour in Australia/New
Zealand. She suspects he is screwing the catering girl/backing
singer/production assistant. Meanwhile he has left all his belongings in her
flat here in London -- for which I have a key. What (preferably harsh) action
do you suggest she take? (Waiting and seeing is not an option!)
-- Damp Shoulder
Dear Shoulder,
OOOOhhh, yes it is. Don't you dare put that key in
that lock unless/until you have proof. Which, I know, will be hard to obtain.
Of course she suspects he's shagging (Queen's English) that multi-talented
young woman -- your friend's mind has sought and found what is, in a twisted
way, a more satisfying explanation for not calling than plain old Losing
Interest. And actually, he may well be having an affair. But how lame would it
be if she instructed you to smear all of his knickers with vegemite, only to
find that the real reason he hadn't called was that he has spent a full week
shopping for a one-of-a-kind engagement ring on a remote Tasmanian reef with no
telephone?
If you do manage to uncover proof, well then yes, we
could have some good clean fun with this one. So as not to tempt you
unduly, I will stop short of making actual suggestions and say only this: it
would have to be some sort of own-medicine/own-grave type of thing where your
friend only plants a seed and then watches Othello/Lothario drive himself
mad.
One more major warning: if your friend is Bridget
Jones, she should do nothing. Whatever it is will
backfire.
Love,
Breakup Girl
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