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Dear Breakup Girl,
I'd first like to know what you think of "long-distance"
relationships... how often they work out, or if they should be avoided....and
secondly, what you think of "long-distance Internet"
Let me explain my situation a little bit....
I got online a little over a year ago, and shortly after doing so, I met
this really funny guy in a chat room that I enjoyed talking to. It didn't take
long for us to become really good friends. We talked alot over a period of
about 5-6 months before we both realized that our feelings for each other were
growing into the next stages after friendship. I started falling in love with
him!! We had exchanged many, many photos of each other, and started talking on
the telephone a bit. We talked very regularly and frequently for the next 6
months or so... making it known to the world of our love for each other through
web pages, and silly stuff like that. He made me so happy! We were
"cyber-engaged," and most of the things like talking about having an
"online wedding," being engaged, and being together forever were HIS
ideas!!! I really loved them, too...and the more he told people how much he
loved me and wanted to be with me, the more in love I fell with him! After over
a year of talking/chatting, and getting to know each others minds and souls, we
agreed it should progress to the next step of actually meeting each other! The
biggest problem was that he is on the western coast of the US, and I am on the
eastern coast! But he finally got a plane ticket to come see me... and after
having this ticket in his possesion for weeks, and only a month and a half away
from the day we would meet, (on Valentine's Day no less!!), he broke up with
me!!! I am absolutely devastated, and am having a hard time dealing with what I
His excuses were that:
1.)We are too far apart, and long distance relationships don't work. He
thought it was best to end it now before he hurt me anymore!
2.) I am ten years older than him, and have a child... which is nothing new,
he knew that a year ago when we met!
3.) That he is just starting his life, and won't be able to pay me the
attention I deserve because he'll be too busy.... and that wouldn't be fair to
4.) That he thinks I'm a psychotic looney because I shared the fact that
stress and my over active emotions make me sick to my stomach when I'm upset!
He says that isn't normal, and I must be psychotic! But the fact is, I don't
handle rejection very well, and I am a very emotional person. (Something else
he's known for the past year!!)
5.) I am too jealous, and he thinks I am "obsessed" with him and
not in love with him.
The fact is I AM in love with him!! I don't want to lose him because he
thinks it "might not" work out in the future because we are so far
away... he is young, scared, confused, and allowing outside influences to tear
us apart. He could be throwing away the best thing to ever happen to both of
us!! I really need some help and/or advice... He says it's best it's over, but
I can't let go!!! All I want is for us to be like we were, and for him to come
see me in a month and a half! I at least want the opportunity, and the chance
to see if the sparks fly like I have been dreaming they will!!
Can you help me?
Oh, dear. I hate to run down the battery on your
dreams, but -- brace yourself -- it just doesn't sound to Breakup Girl like
this is a happening thing. I am really, really, really sorry.
I am not saying that long distance relationships don't
work, nor that cyberrelationships don't work. But let me try and put this
situation in perspective:
People who have actually laid eyes on each other and
spent time together have trouble mustering the chutzpah to make an actual
commitment. Never mind having to make good on a promise that -- though, yes, it
was very real for you -- technically existed only in the ether, not IRL. And
you know, there are some things that do make sense/exist only out there in
cyberworld; how long would Jennicam last if the
idea was for people to actually look in her window? Also, the "outside
influences" you dismiss as trivial are <gulp> real-life; in fact,
they -- distance, phase-of-life difference, etc. -- are problems that non-cyber
couples face. He got the willies when he realized that he was going to have to
face them. And for whatever reason, he is not willing.
Also, on a totally different point, some of the things
he said to you were not very nice.
Now, I'm not going to say anything dumbass, preachy,
and too-late like, "You shouldn't have fallen so hard in the first
place." You did, and I'm sure you felt feelings -- finite though they may
need be -- that others have indeed only dreamt of. So go ahead and save --
treasure -- your emails and other cyber-keepsakes. If it hurts too much, hide
them for a while. BUT. You should also, when you're ready, take this as an
opportunity to consider, for yourself, exactly what drove you to fall so hard,
to make such earthbound plans with someone orbiting in cyberspace. I am not
saying "Bad Girl, you messed up, now go think about what you did!" I
am saying if you want a real-life partner that badly -- no matter where you
meet him -- well, some reflection into this episode will give you useful
insight into the next one. Which , ultimately, is not a bad use of all that
Hang in there.
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